Hands
by Robicorn
Summary: Bella Swan isn't sure what she has to live for. Musician Edward Cullen only lives for one thing. What happens when you can't stay away from something you know has the power to destroy you? "I came to watch him play Cause his hands are my calling"ExB
1. Chapter 1

**I am not Stephanie Meyer, I do not own these Characters. **

**This story is inspired by a song, that I also do not own. Cool enough, Lizzy and Rob Pattinson do. It's Called Hands. You can youtube it. **

**This would not have been possible without TONS of people. Like Kennedy Nicole, My2GalsPals, Lynn Pepper, and my wife Meg. **

**I hope to update once a week, but it might be twice a week depending on life. And for those of you waiting for Sad Songs, and are like WTF? She can write something new but not update SS4DL - I know epic fail for me. I just am SOO blocked with that story it makes my heart hurt. I will finish it. I promise. And if anyone wants to help me - like WRITE it - would gladly accept the help and give credit. **

**This story is ALL BPOV - it will have lemons, bad words, and other bad things that if I tell you would be spoilerish.  
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**Hands**

**One**

Rosalie means well, I know she does, but this guy sitting across from me, talking at me about the economy or some shit I could care less about, will be the death of me. His name is Peter and I have been playing yes man with him since we sat down. To say I'm tired of humming in agreement to everything he says would be an understatement. It doesn't seem to bother him that I haven't actually said anything of importance since we were introduced.

Something must change because now Peter wants my opinion the current recession. What I think is that I'm thrilled I have a job that pays the bills. Other than that, I try not to think about it. I never watch the news, and if I happen to open the newspaper I tend to skip right to the police blotter. You know the section where you can read about all the idiots that were recently arrested to make yourself feel superior.

Honestly, I only worry about me. I do not care about world issues because it's not like I can fix those problems. My voice isn't going to change shit so I don't even bother. I'd like to tell Peter here that he is wasting his time and energy, as well as the chance to have fun, worrying about things that are way beyond his Penn State education.

When Rose told me about Peter she said that he was good looking, and she was totally right. Sparkling blue eyes, big white smile made up of perfectly aligned teeth, and broad shoulders. I can tell he spends way too much time at the gym, which makes sense, as he is a good friend of Emmett, Rosalie's muscle bound boyfriend. What Rose failed to mention is that he's as boring as a box of rocks. He's not very perceptive either as evidenced by the fact that he can't tell I have totally lost interest in whatever he's yammering on about. He just keeps talking and my mind keeps wandering. There's nothing I can contribute to this conversation anyway except a rude dose of reality so I just keep my mouth shut. I know Rose will be upset if she has to listen to Peter bitch about being set up with a crazy hipster.

He did make a comment about my "hipster" style already, but I had to correct him since I like to think of myself as more of a vintage type of girl. What can I say? I like my ripped black stockings with these cut off shorts. I like my Kurt Cobain shirt. I like my hair long with a little teasing at the crown and tumbling into a mess of curls that fall down my back. Regardless, I like my style no matter what you call it.

His style? Button down shirt, collar popped out and folded over his sweater, with pressed slacks. I'm not sure I like his style at all.

The long and short of it is that we are here, on a blind date, because some guy Emmett knows is playing tonight. Edward something-or-other. I just sip my beer and glance around the bar, hoping this evening doesn't turn out to be a complete waste of time.

"You don't normally go out with guys like me, do you?" Peter asks, bringing my attention back to him.

I want to laugh at that comment but I bite my bottom lip and shake my head instead. "Guys like you?" I ask leadingly. I want him to define what he means. I don't like labeling others the way he so easily did with me earlier.

"Yeah, I'm not your type."

I look at him in shock. "Wow. I didn't know I had a type but it seems you've figured me out. Enlighten me Peter – what is my type?"

"Guys that wear flannel," he states definitively. I wait for him to go on because that really isn't a 'type', but he doesn't seem to have anything to add.

"Flannels. Interesting. So what…lumber jacks are my type? That guy on the brawny paper towels is my dream guy?" I mock, slightly offended that he thinks he's got me pinned, not to a type of guy, but to a type of shirt. "No, wait! Al, the sidekick from the TV show 'Home Improvement'. Now he really knew how to rock out a flannel."

Peter looks like he's not sure what to say but I think it's more because he doesn't have any more descriptors, not because he realizes he's ticked me off. Then he gets a look of relief on his face and says, "Him," jutting his chin toward someone behind and to the left of me. I turn to see who he has in his sights.

Amazingly, Peter's right. The guy he picked out is totally my type... and he just happens to be wearing a yellow and blue flannel. It's unbuttoned and hanging open to reveal a holey t-shirt underneath. I realize I've been staring way to long at this point so I turn back to Peter. "He's alright," I manage, hoping I can shrug it off. I take another sip my beer and try to act nonchalant. I'm really just waiting an appropriate amount of time so I can turn to get a better look at 'my type'.

I notice Rosalie and Emmett walk toward him giving me the perfect excuse to turn and stare. Fuck. His jeans sit just right, low on hips but not too low. They're not too tight, not too loose. He turns and his ass is glorious, just as I imagined. He and Emmett share some guy half hug before Rosalie says hello and offers her hand. They shake and then he reaches up to run that same hand through his hair, which ends up in chaos. Some pieces hang in his face, others stand straight up. When he laughs at something Emmett says, his eyes narrow to slits yet still sparkle with life, and he has the cutest laugh lines. I'm guessing he hasn't shaved in a while and the prominent scruffy jaw line makes me forget that I am here with a date. He waves his hands around while talking to them, cocks an eyebrow at something either Rosalie or Emmett says, then laughs loudly.

I want to be over there with them. I don't want to be here at this high top table with this ridiculous preppy boy who has no clue that's what he is. Since that's not in the cards at the moment I bite my thumb, turn back to my date, and try to blow off my attraction to 'my type' standing just across the room.

"I wonder how they know him," I mumble, mostly to myself.

Peter evidently hears me because he shrugs and replies, "Not sure. I've never seen him before. He's definitely not a brother or someone from Penn."

Peter and Emmett were in the same frat at Penn State and they also played football together. I know Emmett teaches high school now so to make conversation I ask Peter what he does. I'm not sure if I ask because I'm trying to be nice or because I feel guilty for drooling over Flannel Boy in his presence.

Peter informs me that he sells drugs to doctors so I jokingly call him a drug dealer. "Pharmaceutical Rep." he quickly corrects. It was just a joke so I roll my eyes.

"What about you, Bella? What do you do?"

I could have lied but why bother. I know he already thinks less of me because I don't have a college education so I admit I work as a manager at Pacific Sunwear in the mall. I've worked there since high school. It's who I am and I love it. I really don't give a shit what he thinks.

"You like it there?" he asks. "See yourself there for a long time?"

He didn't appreciate the jab I took at his job and I don't like his attitude about mine either. I tilt my head and glare at him. "Is that code for when are you going to get a real job?" I snap. "I love it there...lots of flannel."

Just to stick it to him I glance back at Flannel Boy. This time I catch his eye. He smiles and I wave. Take that, Peter the Prep. "Flannel is so my type," I say under my breath.

"You should be more open-minded. You might find something worth holding on to," he tells me.

Again with the shocking comments. I turn back toward Mr. Walking-Contradiction to let him have a piece of my mind. "Oh? Do you really think you've been open-minded tonight? You labeled me after five minutes."

"Was I wrong?"

"Yeah," I exclaim. "Vintage...my style is really more vintage."

"Vintage, hipster...is there really a difference?"

"I guess not if you're Preppy Peter."

"You..." he says as he shakes a finger at me. I figure he's about to lay into me so I'm surprised when he cracks a smile and says, "You baffle me in the best way. I find you fascinating."

Didn't see that coming. I look at him skeptically. "Well, Flannel Boy has a leg up on you and I haven't even spoken to him yet."

Peter puts both elbows on the table and leans toward me. "Pretty sure I can show you Flannel Boy is no more than some distant loner with little to offer a woman…well, other than a fuck and duck," he say condescendingly.

I so need a smoke right about now. Yes, I smoke, but Rosalie asked me not to smoke around Peter tonight. I'm not typical and I'm really confused as to why Rose thought it would be good to set us up. Did she actually think this would work?

"Huh...you talk as if you know him."

"No, I just know his type," he smugly replies.

"Ah, you and the stereotypes again," I retort, crossing my arms over my chest.

I honestly couldn't look away from Flannel Boy for more than a few minutes. I need to know him if for no other reason than to prove Peter wrong. To show him that his keen sense of reading people is shallow and that Flannel Boy isn't who Peter thinks he is. I'm tempted to get up and walk over to Rosalie, maybe get my own introduction to Flannel Boy, but just as I'm about to follow through with that thought, he and Emmett do this stupid handshake and 'my type' walks away. I crane my neck to see where he is going but I lose him in the crowd. I'm sure my disappointment shows own my face.

Peter offers to get us another round and I thank him as he gets up and moves away from the table. I use the opportunity to take a deep breath and relax. Rosalie and Emmett join me at the table while Peter's gone. Immediately Rose wants to know what I think of Peter.

"Soooo…" she draws out excitedly. "Didn't I tell you he was great? He is great isn't he?"

I place my hand on top of hers on the table. "Rosie, sweetie," I say, using my nicest tone. I'm going to butter her up before I smack her down. "Do you even know me?" She looks disappointed and confused. "Flannel Boy…now that's me. Why couldn't you set me up with Flannel Boy?"

"Flannel boy?" Rosalie questions.

Emmett laughs. "You mean Cullen?" he asks.

"Bella...he is like, not together. At all," Rose emphasizes.

"He looks damn near perfect to me," I state, remembering just how perfect he looked from all angles.

"Bella, I thought you were ready to...I don't know, grow up?" Sarcasm is not pretty on my best friend but she does it very well. She obviously doesn't like my attraction to Flannel Boy…I mean Cullen. I love it when friends decide they know what is best for you.

"I'm already grown up!" The moment the words leave my mouth even I have admit I sound like a teenager.

Rose and I may be best friends but we don't always see eye to eye. In her opinion, being a grown up is very traditional. I should be looking for Mr. Right and starting a family. I should be thinking about a 401k and buying a house. I'm only twenty-four. The way Rose acts, she must think my biological clock is moving in fast forward. Kids left my radar eight years ago. It's as if she hasn't heard me tell her a thousand times. Life is too fragile, to many turns, surprises to even attempt to keep up.

Rosalie drops her chin and looks up at me as if to say 'really?' I could argue my point but it's not worth it. I'm happy, content with my life. I take care of myself and the rest, well, it will come or it won't. I'm not the type to make plans or force anything.

"Why don't you explain to me why Flannel Boy isn't good enough," I coax with a smirk, waiting for her to spill the juicy details.

"He lives in an old, beat up RV and travels all over just to play these shows. The only thing he gives a shit about is his guitar."

"So he's the guy we came to see tonight?" I try to keep any hint of judgment out of my voice. I don't want to say or do anything that will lead her to think I consider him the loser that she does. He is doing what makes him happy, what he is passionate about, and I respect anyone who can say the same.

"Just...Peter is a good guy, Bella. He isn't going anywhere. Cullen, on the other hand…he always leaves," she explains with a hint of worry in her voice.

"Whatever," I mumble, just as Peter appears with my beer. I smile and thank him before taking a sip. I can't force myself to be attracted to someone I'm not, or vice versa.

Just then I hear a shy 'hello' amplified throughout the building and turn to see the topic of our conversation on the stage, an acoustic guitar hanging around his neck. He places a beer down by the mic stand, drawing my attention to his feet. I notice he is wearing Doc Martens that look a lot like mine. I smile to myself as I look down at my own shoes.

The only word that comes to mind as I watch him is humble. He does not look comfortable enough to perform well in front of a crowd but when he actually starts to play and sing all that washes away. His fingers move confidently over the strings of his guitar like it's part of him. Everyone applauds at the end of his song and the shy, humble boy makes another appearance. He takes a minute to get a sip of beer and then thanks the crowd.

I have never been so attracted to anyone in my entire life. I need to speak to him. I need him to notice me. Being in his presence feels like an itch I can't scratch by myself, so I get up and wander toward the stage. I don't even care that none of my friends follow me. When I'm close enough that I think I can get his attention I stop and sway to his music, mesmerized. As he sings, his blue eyes roam the crowd, eventually meeting mine. I mouth 'hey' with my best flirtatious grin. He gives me a beautiful smile as he continues to belt out the lyrics.

After a set he takes a break, announcing he will be back on in twenty. I expect him to disappear backstage but he steps down the left side of the stage and makes his way toward the bar. A few girls reach out and flirt as he walks through the crowd. From my vantage point it looks like he somehow manages to avoid talking to any of them without being rude.

Once he reaches the bar I move to find my way back to Rosalie, Emmett, and Peter. Peter offers his opinion on the performance, saying it's 'okay', but his taste in music sucks so I can't take it seriously.

I continue to watch Cullen as the bartender slides a beer and a shot over to the singer before he could even ask for them. He turns to survey the place, stopping abruptly as he finds our corner of the room. He calls for the bartender again and then walks toward our table.

"Yo, you sounded great," Emmett praises.

"Thanks," Flannel Boy answers with a smile before turning to look directly at me.

"Edward, this is Bella and Peter. Guys, this is Edward," Emmett introduces. Edward shakes Peter's hand, then reaches for mine.

"Bella," he says as our hands meet. I can feel my cheeks redden at his attention. I'm such an idiot.

"Hey. You were great," I say automatically. Now I feel even more like a tool because I basically just repeated what Emmett said seconds ago.

He chuckles and thanks me too. As he drops my hand a waitress comes over and sets down shots for everyone. "Hope you all like JD," Edward says, holding up his shot glass.

I try not to gag as I swallow it because I'm not a shot girl. I know Edward notices my reaction when he leans in and whispers, "You good?"

I nod, then look straight into his eyes. "I'm good."

He moves even closer and breathes, "You definitely look good," right against my ear. His warm breath sends shivers up my spine and when he straightens up I see a seductive smirk cross his face. "Great even." he adds in a normal volume, looking off in the distance.

I can't take my eyes off him. As he lifts a cigarette to his mouth I'm fascinated by the calluses on his hands, evidence of hours and hours playing the guitar.

Screw Rose and especially screw Peter. "Got a light?" I ask just to keep him close and interacting with me. Edward casually pulls out his lighter and lights my cigarette. I can smell the nicotine on his hands when they are close to my face. Once the cigarette catches Edward outs the lighter and reaches over to push some hair behind my ear.

This is when I know his hands are my calling.

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><p><strong>SOOO? What do you think?<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**SM owns this still, I never will.**

**Twilightsonefan is awesome and she is helping me with the lemons, and so all praise for the citrus should be directed to her. I simply set the mood.**

**Big love to Lynn Pepper, Kennedy Nicole for the pre-reading and love they have for this story. For those worried about the 'angst' factor - Nic is a Wussperv - and she is handling it well. The angst will be NOTHING compared to UtB - I don't think so anyway. **

**Amanda on Facebook made a KICKASS banner for this story. Check it out on my Facebook page - it really does capture the song. **

**I don't own the songs used in this chapter - that's a gimme!  
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**ANYWAY, here is chapter 2! ENJOY!**

**Hands**

**Chapter 2**

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but it did. I am a groupie. Edward Cullen, otherwise known as flannel boy has me on facebook like three times a day so I can check a page, Rose says his sister Alice updates.

I am going to all his shows. I don't even care if I am by myself, it's less of a distraction. I try to talk to him after the shows or get there early and watch him as he sits at the bar nursing beers. I've spoken to him a handful of times, I have no idea if he even cares that I exist. He flirted with me that once, I completely froze and forgot how to speak. I guess there wasn't much to say when he had my back against the wall outside the bar with his lips on mine for what seemed like hours. Since then, I haven't gotten much interaction from him. Rose tells me he isn't into dating or girlfriends, and if I want a broken heart, I can keep doing exactly what I'm doing.

We haven't made out again. We haven't even really talked since then. A few hey's. A few smirks. Mostly I feel invisible where he is concerned. When I think about it, he is kinda perfect for me. I'm always the one running away when things get to heavy. A guy like Edward, a loner might be just perfect for me and whatever life I might have ahead of me.

I'm sure he appreciates my support, even if it is on the verge of stalkerish and a a little pathetic to be the groupie girl, he made out with once. Who won't go away. Who knows, maybe it's part of selling tickets.

He is...mesmerizing. So tall, so awkwardly graceful...so pretty. I know, pretty for a boy that looks like he hasn't brushed or washed his hair for days on end. It's odd, but perfect.

His sister, Alice helps him. I've spoken to her a few times. She is more accessible since she sells his merchandise. Her boyfriend is always around too, Jasper. He is a mix of cowboy rockstar. His blonde hair is longer, to his chin. His smile is warm and welcoming and even though he looks a little rough, once he smiles, you know he couldn't hurt a fly.

I know entirely too much about people I have hardly spoken to. No one has to tell me it's pathetic.

I watch Edward, at his shows. I watch the way he interacts with the girls, me, jealous of the confidence the other girls have to speak to him, flirt with him. I caught him in a dark corner one time with some trashy blonde shoving her tongue down his throat.

I never wanted to kill a bitch more.

I'm at the bar he is going to play tonight, like two hours early. I'm trying to work up enough liquid courage to become the girl shoving her tongue down his throat tonight. Not sure how it will all work out.

"This seat taken?" I turn to see him, my Flannel Boy.

"Ah," I shake my head, _speak Bella!_ I scream to myself. _Words._ "No." That's a word, a small word, but a powerful one none the less.

He smiles his half smile at me that turns my insides to goo. "How are you, Bella?"

He knows my name. I know Emmett introduced us, I know I made out with him, but this is the first time he has addressed me since then, I wasn't sure if he even remembered me. For all I know, I'm just the newest girl in a long line following him from bar to bar.

"Fine."

He looks at me oddly.

"Do you, " he squints his eyes, "like have a problem speaking?" he asks.

"What?" I'm stunned.

"You are always around...I assume you like my music," _and you,_ I mentally correct him. "Yet you never speak to me, and when you do it's like one or two words at a time..." he runs his hands through his hair, and grabs the beer the bartender placed in front of him.

"Oh...Um...I..." I shake my head. Get it together. "You make me nervous." I blurt out. I feel my face getting bright red.

"Me? I make you nervous?" he laughs.

I sip my beer. There is silence. It's not a comfortable silence.

"Rose says you can play?" he finally breaks through the awkwardness of the moment. I'm a little stunned he has discussed me with Rose. I desperately want to know how I came up...did he ask? Was it good? Or was he creeped out by me? I file the millions of question for later. I sure as hell am not going to ask him.

"Yeah, a little. Nothing like you." I blush. Traitorous flushing cheeks.

"You sing too?"

"I'm not sure what Rose told you about me," I tell him, I do sing. In the shower. Or in the car. Or by myself. Never for anybody.

"After the show, do you want to like jam a little? My sister got some really good stuff...and we like to unwind in the RV...it'd be cool if you came." he sips his beer.

I try to hide the ridiculously wide smile on my face, it's useless. "Sure," I can't contain how happy I am by this invitation.

"Cool." He takes his beer, and is gone.

It doesn't dawn on me that he might actually want to hear me play or sing, like actually participate in the jam. The rest of the night he doesn't talk to me, or even really look at me.

He goes about his business like I am another stranger in the crowd, and I'm really not sure if I should think of myself as much more to him.

I wait outside by his RV, leaning next to the door, waiting for them nervously. Last I saw him he was flirting with some girl. He told me he'd be out in a few, he had to tie up a few loose ends, get paid.

His sister Alice, comes over, hanging off her boyfriends arm. "Bella, right?" she asks me. She has this incredible presence. I love her style. It's some mixture of punk and hippie. Every time I see her she has different colors in her hair. Blue. Green. Pink. Tonight though it's blonde chunks in the front, in small braids. She has a Monroe piercing that I love but am way to chicken shit to ever let someone slide a needle anywhere into my body.

I nod. I feel like a stupid girl. The kind of girl that has no self respect because she lets a guy treat her like I let Flannel Boy treat me. I just can't stay away.

"Come on, sweetie," she says unlocking the door on the side of the place Edward spends most of his time, and letting me in first.

It's pretty clean, and a lot more updated then I imagined. Rose made it sound like a shack, but it has a kitchen with a clean stove, sink and decent size fridge. There's a TV and a long brown couch against the back wall with a few blankets folded on it. I peek down the back, and see a room with a big bed, and some closed doors.

"You know my boyfriend, Jasper right?" Alice says opening the fridge.

"Hey," I greet him. He doesn't speak much. He just nods. Alice offers me a beer, I decline.

"Bathrooms down there," she says pointing to one of the doors by the bedroom. "Make yourself at home," she tells me. I watch her open the door across from the hallway and pull out a bag filled with pot, and a pipe to smoke it from.

"Edward is really good at rolling joints, but he isn't here, and I'm not waiting." Alice says as she comes back to what I guess is the living room. She sits next to me and uses the small built in end table to pack it. She takes the first hit, then offers it to me.

By the time Edward stumbles in, the room is filled with smoke. He waves his arm to move some of the smoke, "Couldn't wait for me?" he says, taking the pipe from Alice.

"You don't know when to shut up, I didn't know how long you would take." Alice exhales.

"I have company. I don't keep pretty girls waiting," he smirks at me inhaling another hit. He leans down holding the smoke in his lungs presses his lips to mine as he exhales the smoke into my lungs. "Hey you," he smiles at me.

I smile back, then exhale with a "Hey."

"You look really good tonight," he whispers in my ear as he picks up an old acoustic guitar that's been leaning against the drivers seat of the RV before sitting next to me. He is so close his leg is touching mine. I cross my leg toward him, then look up at him.

"Alice picks tonight," he announces.

Alice turns to me to explain, "We each pick a theme when we do these jams, like a band, or time frame or whatever."

"Shut up and pick already," Edward huffs. Then makes eye contact with me, and his hand pulls at my black fish net thigh high stockings. The holes are bigger, in a diamond pattern, I'm not even sure if they are considered fishnet. I don't know what else to call them. I have on my doc martens and a very tight, very short camouflage dress on. I threw on some dog tags and a olive green khaki jacket.

"The Beatles," Alice says to him matter of factly.

He starts to strum an upbeat song, moving his hands along the guitar and using it like a drum to create the full affect of the song, before he and Alice both start singing.

It's like I am transported back to the seventies. I laugh imagining Alice as a hippie, shaking a tambourine, Edward with long hair to his shoulders, and Jasper just nodding his head to the beat holding on to the pot like he would die without it.

I'm so high, I'm so into the music, I find myself humming along to _Come Together_. The way Edward's shoulders move to the beat, I can't help but get into it with him and Alice. I find myself really getting into it when I sing, "_Hold you in his armchair, you can feel his disease."_

Alice cheers for me a little, and I get quieter. I'm not good with attention. Edward's loud voice seems to quiet down, as he stares at me the rest of the song. I keep singing, even though I feel way too exposed. But if I stop I will look like an even bigger ass.

"Bella, you can sing girl! Rose wasn't joking!" Alice comments after the song.

Edward hands the guitar to me, "I know you know something by The Beatles," he smirks.

"I can't..." I tell him, handing back the guitar. I do know something by The Beatles. Something that reminds me of my mom. A song that was ours.

"Gotta do it, or you gotta go." He is dead serious.

"Please, Bella, you sounded great," Alice pleads.

"Doooo ittttt," Jasper says smiling at me.

"Fine," I concede. "I don't do this though... like ever. The only person who ever heard me like this was my mom," I tell them.

Edward hands me the bowl, to take another hit. I hand it back, feeling bold. "I prefer to shotgun," I inform him, wanting his lips on mine again so bad. His sly smile comes out before taking a hit and repeating what he did earlier.

I stare down at the guitar. I close my eyes, and imagine my mother across from me then exhale the amazing taste of Edward and weed.

I strum the first few chords, they are high and soothing, relaxing me further. _"Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise."_

I'm waiting, praying they start to sing with me, but they don't. They are silent, and I just keep going. Hoping I don't sound like a complete ass, totally off key. It is a quiet song. It was the first song my mom taught me. I keep picturing her, the huge smile she had whenever I played for her.

"You are going places, baby, the Lords got great plans for you and that voice of yours," I can hear her still. I'm still too afraid to actually find out if she was right.

I'm afraid to look up at Edward, but I do, and he smiles at me. I can't help it and smile back.

"Sorry if that sucked..." I say after I end the song.

"Are you crazy?" Alice is stunned, "Bella...you are a natural."

I bite my lip, and look down. "Thanks." I mumble.

I look at Edward again, and he shakes his head, then just stares at me. "What?" I ask him.

He doesn't answer me with words, he just kisses me. I'm hesitant at first, but then I let my hand find the back of his neck, my fingers dance in his soft hair. I feel the small mole on the back of his neck, his hand is on my cheek, it's heaven. I let out a moan.

Alice tells us to go in the back if we want to mess around, she isn't into voyeurism.

"It's not voyeurism when we are aware you are watching, it's like exhibitionist." Edward corrects her.

"You would know that wouldn't you?" Alice throws a pillow at Edward.

"Bella, you wanna know what really turns Edward on in bed," Jasper begins, he has my full attention although, I'm really embarrassed by the turn this conversation took.

"Shut up, Jasper! I don't want to hear this shit about my brother!" Alice covers her ears. Jasper ignores her.

"Rim Job."

"A what?" I have no idea.

Edward throws the pillow back at Jasper, "Shut the fuck up!" Edward tells him.

"See, he isn't denying it." Jasper points out laughing.

"This is gross." Alice says, taking another hit.

I wish I was in on this joke. I don't even know what a rim job is. "Bella, A-" Jasper starts.

"Stop, Jasper, Bella is a sweet girl, and she doesn't need to know about all these dirty things."Alice continues when Jasper is about to fill me in on what a Rim Job is.

"Edward likes his anus licked." Jasper states, getting up. "Your turn to pick a song, Baby." he tells Alice as he pulls out a bag of chips from the kitchen cabinet.

I look at Edward, it's the first time I have ever seen him uncomfortable. "Don't pay attention to him." he whispers.

"I'm kinda curious about anal."

Edward smirks. "Is that so?"

"Did I say that out loud?" I'm too high to even care.

"You did...and fuck I hope you mean that."

I think I do when it comes to Edward Cullen.

We do a few more songs, more upbeat. More goofy, as we pass the chips. Edward puts down the guitar, and puts his arm around me, I sink into his side.

"Are you staying?" he whispers, his hands above my knee, playing with my stockings.

"Are you asking me to stay?" I whisper back, looking into his eyes.

"Only if you promise to leave these stockings on," he says kissing my neck, his hand traveling higher on my leg, and moving to the inside of my thigh. "And nothing else," he adds with s sly smile.

I couldn't tell him to stop even if I wanted to. My mind is saying it isn't right. I should make him work for it, make sure he respects me, but I can't. I'm not very experienced, at all. Turning him down just isn't even a possibility, despite all the red flags telling me to take control.

"Lets go back...to my room." He pulls me up. I hate how this was just expected. He expected me to come in here and give myself to him. I want to hate him for it, but I hate myself more.

He shuts the door, then shrugs out of his flannel, followed by the t-shirt underneath. His eyes are glued to me the whole time, staring up at me through his long lashes. He stalks towards me like a hungry animal on the hunt and I am his prey. A devious crooked smile appears on his face as he meets me on the bed, and kisses my lips with intense hunger, pushing me down onto the bed. I'm on my back, my legs wrapped snugly around his waist. He takes off my shoes slowly, teasing my ankles, caressing my feet as he does. He is dragging his pointer finger down my arch tickling the underside of my foot towards my toes then tosses the shoe on the floor with a thud before repeating the same process on the other foot. His hands move all over my legs paying special attention to the underside of each knee and the inside of my thighs, placing kisses on each thigh. I sigh and shiver with the foreign sensations he brings out in my body. His eyes are all over me searching for something, I'm not sure, his expressions are complex; I see want and uncertainty, yet he smirks at me as he catches my eyes on him.

"Do you like this pretty girl, you like my mouth on you, kissing and licking your body?" His eyes are questioning, he's waiting on my reply, holding off till I answer him back, his fingers are drawing intricate designs on the inside of my thighs as his eyes lock onto mine. "Yes, its feels sooooo good, I want more please." I beg him with winded moan.

His body is needy, and urgent over mine with this new request from me. I can feel his hardness, solid and eager as he rocks it against my outer thigh and hip, while he pulls my underwear down my legs and yanks them off forcefully, tossing them on the floor with my shoes and his shirts.

The dress goes over my head quickly with no time to waste. Then he is kneeling between my legs, "So fucking hot," he tells me as his hungry eyes stare at me, in nothing but the black stockings as he ordered.

His greedy hands grab my boobs, one in each of his large hands, and squeezes them roughly, teasing my nipples until they feel like they are on fire, his thumbs and forefingers tweak and pinch them, the sensations going right to my sensitive center.

I can feel the wetness building; my treacherous body is not under my control, it responds to his touch like its drawn to him, bending at his will. He lays on top of me dispersing his weight evenly, his mouth all over my neck, licking and grazing and sucking with his soft wet lips working their way down to my collarbone, sending quivering chills running all through my body.

I feel him sucking, knowing that he is marking me. His lips graze over each breast eagerly sucking and kissing each mound, teasing each nipple licking and sucking them into his mouth as if he can't get enough. He marks each one of my breasts as well; telling me what great tits I have, while his hands glide downward to my aching center rolling circles over my clit, and pinching me right where the ache is the greatest, his fingers retreat invading my opening with determination and move fast and hard in and out of me.

I am a quivering mess by this point. His eyes are searching mine looking for my response. All I can give him is an internal moan. His tongue darts out seductively licking his beautiful lips. My eyes take in the rest of his delicious body, looking for the prize, but a pout forms on my face as I suddenly realize, I'm completely naked minus the stockings and he is still dressed from waist down.

I eagerly help him get his pants off, and my hands goes straight to the prize, I can't help myself and my curiosity, so I stroke his dick a few times, familiarizing myself with this beautiful part of his anatomy, now one of my favorite parts. The hunger in my eyes must have clued him in because he doesn't even ask if I want to, he just puts his dick in my face, expecting me to service him.

"I know how bad you want this, don't pretend like you don't." he says, holding it inches from my mouth. I can't pull my eyes away from it, my hands still stroking up and down, it's lovely, thick, and long with several prominent veins running along the length. The swollen tip has a small drop of white fluid beading off it waiting to be licked off.

I subconsciously lick my lips, hating how right he is. I do want it. I want it Bad.

He holds the back of my head as I anxiously open my mouth with an unknown hunger, grabbing himself with his other hand, he puts his thickness in my mouth. Edwards dick is firm, solid but his skin is soft and tight, with a slight salty taste.

"I love fucking your sweet mouth," he tells me getting rougher, rocking his hips back and forth. My saliva builds coating his length as he moves in and out of my mouth, then across my lips. My cheeks slightly pucker as I eagerly suck his throbbing cock and try to swallow the built up spit that's gathering so it doesn't drool down my chin with the force that he is using as he fucks my mouth.

I feel like I can't breath, then I gag as he hits the back of my throat repeatedly due to his large size. "You like having my Fucking cock in your mouth, Bella is this what you wanted?"

I look up at him, my eyes filled with tears, my cheeks flushed and swollen while my throat aches from his forceful thrusts. "Mmmm" I hum around him unable to broker an audible response.

"Use your hands a little, A stóirín," he grunts. I'm not sure what he just called me, but I do as he says, and move my hands in sync with my mouth, this I soon learn is an added plus and relief as it keeps him from hitting the back of my throat so forceful with each delectable thrust of his sexy slim yet muscular hips.

One of his hands that was wrapped around my head guiding me where he wants me, helping my face to meet his hips; snakes down between us stroking and exploring, as he talks about how wet I am. His fingers are gentler as they rub over me. "Ready?" he asks, pulling out of my mouth, and instead replacing it with his luscious lips, kissing me with praise and appraisal for my oral escapades.

Reaching over to his side table, he pulls out a condom, tearing it open with his teeth and one hand, he begins rolling it on his thick length, pulling at the tip, and before I know it, he is back between my legs. Blue eyes never leaving mine as he grabs himself and pushes inside of me.

He doesn't give me a chance to adjust to his size, as he continues with his thrusting. The feeling of him inside me is intense and it consumes me, my body is on fire, he unwraps my legs that are tightly wound around his hips and delicious ass and pulls them up, over each of his shoulders. Edward uses his strong muscular biceps to brace his weight against the back of my thighs as he continues to relentlessly pound into me, my hips striving to meet his with each of his thrusts.

Our breathing is short and choppy from our intense workout and I can swear the whole RV must be rocking from the force. I can't contain the urge to scream, he keeps hitting this one spot deep inside me, his hand moves to cover my mouth, his eyes are darker and teasing, a devilish smirk graces his beautiful face.

"Shhh, A stóirín. These walls are very thin." He releases my legs from where they rest on his shoulders, bringing them down to his waist, "wrap them around me beautiful," he states as his hands pull mine out of his soft hair where they were now heavenly stroking and tugging, cinching them together in one of his strong massive hands, his long fingers locking around them as he pulls them up and over my head holding them there as the other pulls my hips up for a deeper angle. Oh so much deeper. I can't help but let out a loud moan, my eyes locked on his sexy chest and broad shoulders.

I once again buck my hips and thrust back to meet his hips. "Feels so good," he moans gritting his teeth together and sucking in a sharp breath. The way he talks, the way he holds my hands above my head, the way his hips move against mine, I easily come undone like I've never done before.

His hand covers my mouth, as I scream, my body trembling with its climax. He chuckles, his eyes taking in my sweaty chest and lustful eyes, a gratified smile to his delicious lips, then he moves slower but harder, his head lowers burying into my neck, both of his hands squeezing mine, his body stills and begins to shudder as he comes undone with his own orgasm whispering a string of curse words. Breathing heavily he lay across my chest. I am loving the feeling of his weight draped wonderfully on top of my deliciously sated body.

* * *

><p><strong>OKAY! So...still with me? This will be VERY lemony thanks to Twilightsonefan! See you next week with more from these crazy kids!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**SM owns not me.**

**To my girls - Lynn Pepper and Kennedy Nicole for the help with this new baby of mine.**

**Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing. I love each and every word you leave me. I wish I had the time to respond to all of you - but I just don't. I write like 3 other stories, work full time, and have 2 kids. But I do love every email that hits my inbox telling me I have a review! xoxo**

**Hands**

**Chapter 3**

I am naked. I am twisted uncomfortably in sheets that smell like him. I have a dry mouth. I have a pounding headache. I also can't wipe the stupid smile off my face.

I'm in flannel boy's bed. Alone. But in his bed nonetheless, after having the best sex of my life.

I see one of his flannels and I put it on. It just covers my ass, and I button it up before opening the flimsy door and trying to find him.

Alice and Jasper are asleep on the pull out couch. Edward is asleep too, in the drivers seat. He has it reclined as far as it will go, but he doesn't look very comfortable.

I wonder why he didn't stay in bed with me.

I kiss his forehead, he stirs. My fingers trail down his exposed chest. I sit on the arm of the passenger seat and reach for his hand. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes, "Hey," I whisper to him, tickling the palm of his hand.

He looks at me, then moves his hand out of my reach before fixing the seat to a more upright position.

"You gonna get ready to go?" he asks, his voice is thick with sleep. His eyes narrow as he see's the shirt I have on.

"I don't have to..." I trail off, reaching for him again.

"Could you not find your clothes?" he asks, standing up abruptly. My efforts to feel him again are in vain. He begins to walk back towards his bedroom.

"I didn't really look..." I tell him about my clothes, following close behind. He pulls up his jeans, but they slid down again, exposing a little of his ass.

We reach his room and he starts picking up my clothes, tossing them toward me. He rubs his face. "You didn't have a bra did you?" he asks looking around, scratching the back of his head.

"Ah, no." I shake my head looking down.

"Thanks. I had a nice time, or whatever," he waves his hands dismissing me.

"Right." I am so utterly confused.

He pulls a shirt on over his head, then leaves. I hear him go in the bathroom and seconds later I hear him begin to pee.

I try not cry as I get dressed. I fold his flannel, then unfold it and leave it on his floor.

Fuck him.

I make sure I have everything and do the walk of shame. On my way out, I slam the door, and I hear the rattle that sounds from the force.

I wipe the tears from my face as I sit in my car. The only one left in the bar parking lot.

"Stupid." I tell myself as I insert my keys into the ignition.

It won't start.

"Fucking piece of shit!" I yell, hitting the steering wheel.

I turn the key again.

Nothing.

I search my bag for my cell phone. It's like a black hole. I end up dumping the contents on my passenger side seat in order to find the stupid thing.

I try Rosalie first. No luck. I try Emmett, who also fails to answer his phone.

No one else could come help me right now I know it. I either have to go back and knock on the door to Edward's RV, or I have to call my father. I look at the RV full of scorn and I know the last thing I want to do is walk back and ask him for help.

"Daddy..." I say into the phone when he answers.

My father has questions. "What did you do last night?" "Where did you sleep?"

"I had to much to drink, my friend Alice said I could crash in the RV..."

"They couldn't come help you?"

"Ah...no." I tell him, leaving it at that. He mumbles at least they didn't let me drink and drive. I beg him to drop it, he does - for the time being. I wait patiently in the parking lot for him to come help me.

I greet him with a hug when he pulls up in his police cruiser.

He sets up the jumper cables and starts my car. I thank him. He kisses my head, and comments that I smell like pot and booze.

"Daddy don't," I beg.

"I won't say what else I think you smell like..." he tells me, and I want to die.

I am a Daddy's girl. Ever since we lost Mom when I was fifteen, I have taken care of him. Cooked him dinner. Washed his laundry. Cleaned the house.

That is until I moved out. He says I don't come around enough or call anymore, only when I need something. I try to cook dinner for him once a week, but I guess that isn't much.

"Take care, Bells, don't be a stranger." He chuckles as he climbs in his police cruiser.

"Thanks, love you." I call out to him.

When I pull away, I notice Edward staring at me through his murky window.

I will myself not to look back, but it's no use. My eyes go to the rear-view mirror was I wait to pull out of the parking lot. He is now outside the RV smoking, staring in my direction.

I'm so glad I didn't have to physically turn around, and he has no idea I am looking at him.

I want to say I will never look back again, that I am done with Edward Cullen. That this infatuation I have with him isn't going anywhere, and he isn't worth this feeling of rejection. The feeling that sparks the question; "Is something wrong with me?" Which in my case - is kinda ironic.

I am a glutton for punishment though.

Later in the day, my phone chirps with an update from Facebook. Edward Cullen has invited you to Timothy's Tavern, a last minute gig, about twenty minutes outside of the city.

Maybe he just didn't feel good this morning. Maybe he isn't a morning person. Maybe I shouldn't take things so personally.

He said he had a good time.

I wouldn't even entertain the thought that I was wrong. He invited me. He wanted to see me again.

I take a nap, then shower, getting ready to see him again. I think about what I will say to him tonight. I imagine he will say he is sorry for being so out of it this morning. He will invite me to hang out with them again tonight.

Wishful thinking?

Rose calls back. Hours later. Day late and a dollar short. I let it go to voicemail.

Peter calls too. I don't even have the patience to talk to him. I never truly have the patience to speak to him.

I find these black heels in the back of my closet that Rose bought me last year. I never wore them. They really aren't my style, but I wonder if Edward will like them. The one blonde he was with was wearing heels like this. What I mean is fuck me heels.

I pick them up and examine the shoe as if it's a foreign object. Jimmy Choo. Studded. Skinny heel, it looks like it could snap. TI feel the thick straps. A few buckles around the ankle. They definitely are fuck me heels. I pull out this black dress I bought and have been way to afraid to wear. It hugs my ass perfectly. It's so short. It looks like I painted it on.

I forgo stockings, and slide my feet into the Jimmy Choo's. Fuck. My legs look like they go on forever and the shoes are to thank for that.

I don't do more than lip gloss and eye liner.

I straighten my hair.

I don't look like me. I look fucking hot if I do say so myself, just not like me. I can't wait to see Edward's reaction.

I pray I can walk. That I don't fall flat on my face.

I walk in the bar, Alice and Jasper are at the table with all the merchandise. "Hey Bella! Glad you could make it!" Alice seems happy to see me, this is good.

"Of course!" I tell her, as she hugs me.

"Edward can be so oblivious sometimes, I'm glad you don't seem too upset with him," she goes on.

"No, I mean, it must be hard to live like he does, I get it." I smile.

"I'm so glad you get it." Alice beams.

Jasper nods hello to me. I say a simple hey.

"You look amazing." Alice gushes. "You will most definitely get some attention in that tonight!"

All I can think is that Alice just confirmed how much her brother will like the way I look. That this morning was a misunderstanding, and I look around for him.

"Is he around?" I ask her, my eyes scanning the bar.

"Ah, I'm sure he is somewhere around here..." Alice gets distracted by a customer wanting to buy Edward's EP. I walk closer to the bar, my eyes still searching for him.

I spot him perched at the end of the bar, sipping a beer, spinning a quarter.

I take a deep breathe and put my shoulders back, my head up, and I hope the way I move my hips looks half as sexy as I feel.

He hears the clicking of my heels and looks over, keeping his eyes down. His eyes locked on my heels then slowly climb up the rest of my body.

I don't fail to see the way he licks his lips when his gaze hits my thighs.

But when his eyes meet mine, he looks away. He picks up his beer, and takes a long pull.

"Hey, you," I say, standing next to him.

"Hey." he responds, looking everywhere but at me.

"Thanks for inviting me tonight, that meant a lot after last night." I tell him, trying to keep my hands off him. I want to touch him so badly.

"I did?" he questions me. His eyes narrow in confusion.

"On Facebook..." I remind him.

"Alice invited you." he states.

"Oh," I shift my weight from my left foot to my right. The bar tender approaches and I order a beer.

He doesn't speak. He doesn't look at me. I don't think he would have if I didn't get the nerve to speak again.

"Did I do something?" I ask, shaking my head. He finally looks over at me.

"Why would you think that?" he looks confused, even more so than me.

"I just thought...last night...it was...at least I thought it was amazing."

"I never said it wasn't," he sips his beer.

I nod, "So, why the cold shoulder?" I ask, holding my breath.

He scratches the back of his neck, his features scrunch up then he lets out a sigh, "I thought you know how I am."

I want to laugh. "I think it's pretty safe to assume that I have no idea how you are. I have no idea what you think, how you feel, what you expect, or don't expect..."

"You are a stunning woman. Talented. Very sweet...too sweet to get yourself wrapped up in my world. If you are smart, you'll stay away from me."

"Lets say for arguments sake that I'm not smart." I challenge him.

He doesn't say anything to that. "I'd hate to see you get jaded by all of this."

"I'd hate to never feel your hands on me ever again," I whisper breathily, biting my bottom lip.

His blue eyes are so intense. I can tell how hard he is thinking, holding his breath. He lets it out, "I don't date...I don't call...I don't invite any girl anywhere without the intent to fuck her. I won't remember your birthday, or give a shit about it or Valentines day. I won't write you a song, or even dedicate one to you. Commitment is not something I'm looking for, and you aren't the only sleeping in my bed. I don't make any promises except that I won't ever lie, even if the truth hurts. You can walk away whenever," he finishes.

"I don't want to walk away." I tell him, I can feel my hands shaking and my heart thumping inside my chest.

He looks at me and smirks. He shakes his head. "Don't get some distorted reality in your head that you could be the one to change me. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I'm a big girl," I assure him. I must be out of my mind. I must have no emotional self-preservation and be totally masochistic to do this with him. I have to have any piece of him I can get. He calls to me that strongly.

The thought of never having him touch me again hurts more than becoming one of his...I don't know...I wonder if he has a name for the girls he fucks.

"Have fun, don't take it seriously, and you won't get hurt." He tells me.

He is giving me advice, on how to be a band-aid or whatever he calls us. Us. Having a piece of him is better than having none of him.

"Big girl, remember?"

"Yeah, I can tell..." he trails off. "I'm not stupid. I'm not sure why you are into this...but I know you aren't the type of girl to fuck around with a bunch of guys."

"You're right...I don't fuck a bunch of guys."

And I don't.

"What do you call...all the girls that..."

"I fuck?" he finishes.

"Yeah..."

"Their names, Bella." he picks up his beer, and walks away.


	4. Chapter 4

**SM owns. **

**Love to the pre-readers - Lynn Pepper and Kennedy Nicole **

**Major love to Twilightsonefan who spices up the lemons so it's extra juicy! **

**Hope Edward becomes somewhat more likeable for who he is and his issues that have yet to be exposed...and chapter six holds the key to what keeps Bella so distant and willing... **

**ENJOY! Love you all! **

**Hands **

**Chapter 4 **

There were more rules to being one of Edward Cullen's...I still wasn't sure how to put into words what I agreed to.

Later that first night, in between his set, he came to me, "I don't fuck the same girl two nights in a row," he whispered in my ear.

"Do you fuck someone every night?" I asked.

"I'm not a man-whore, Bella." He told me walking away.

I guess that was his way of letting me know, he wasn't planning on inviting me anywhere with him that night, no matter how good I looked in this get up.

He also made it clear, that he didn't give a shit who I slept with, but it was very important to him to be careful.

Another rule that trickled out; he didn't deal with boyfriends. He wouldn't go to jail for kicking some dudes ass that couldn't keep his girlfriend satisfied, or so some girl could play games.

It all boiled down to one thing; don't expect much.

"You are going to CJ's tonight, to see him, aren't you?" Rose asks me, as she watches me get ready.

"Ah, huh," I confirm for her.

"Why are you doing this with him, Bella?" I know Rose is concerned, Emmett hasn't told her anything about him, but she suspects it's bad. Plus, she see's how I get when he leaves.

It hurts. To have have him, but not truly have him. To watch him always walk away, satisfied. Me, always wanting more. Always wishing I could let those three words out of the jail I've locked them away inside myself.

"It's not like he is leading me on, Rosalie. I know what I'm doing. I feel...alive when I'm with him. And, when I'm with him...it's him and me. He chose me...and I'm twenty-four and if I want to have safe, causal sex with a guy I find hot as fuck - I can."

"I hate to see him...use you." she seethes.

"He isn't using me," I give her a pointed look. "That would mean he was manipulating me, he isn't manipulating me. I know exactly where I stand."

"I know you, Bella Swan, and you can't do what he does. You can't leave your emotions at the door, you can't turn off that infatuation you have had for him the second you laid eyes on him...you can't just fuck. And I don't want to pick up all the pieces when it all comes undone."

"Shut up, Rose." I don't want to listen to this anymore. "I'm attracted to him, so whats the crime? I fuck him. It's amazing. When it's not anymore, I'll stop."

There is no explaining it to people. It's like I'm dying of thirst in the desert and he is my sip of water. No one would turn down that sip if they knew the need. When I'm not with him, I burn for him it's an ache...then I get a sip. When you harvest desperation, you can't be told to surrender.

He has been gone for weeks. You can't even imagine how thirsty I am. He always leaves. I haven't seen or heard from him in a month. He has been down south playing shows.

He isn't here for long. It's just a stop before he continues north. I check his Facebook while he is gone, I try not to cringe at the girls that take pictures with him, then tag themselves and him and post them to show off. Some are girls that he would never mess around with, others I wonder...did he invite her anywhere?

I notice a girl who posts a lot while he is down south. Blonde. Leggy. Friends with Alice. She shows up in a lot of pictures. I'm pretty sure he invites her to hang out after shows. One of his girls. Tanya.

I don't want to dwell on her, what she does or doesn't do with or for Edward. I don't want to think about the parts of his life I'm not privy to. I just want to focus on the fact that tonight, I get to drink from the well.

He is really private, so I know when I get there, he will only speak to me briefly in the bar.

"Do you see the stories that get circulated?" he asked me once. It's not like they are getting printed in US Weekly or anything like that, just in the circle of people that follow his slowly rising career.

He is far from being known, but the fans that do follow him, they can be known to get pretty gossipy about anything personal about him they get their hands on.

And if he hooks up with a girl, and she spills the details, he won't associate with her anymore.

"I don't want the gossip girls talking about what I do and who I do it with." he told me. The gossip girls, being the group of girls that openly stalk his Facebook. They were the ones who didn't have the guts or to be blunt, the looks, to be with Edward. For a little while, before that first night with Edward three months ago, I might have ended up one of them.

It's not like I wanted to scream from the rooftops that when Edward Cullen was in Philadelphia, I was his go to girl.

I knew it was another rule to file away. Don't kiss and tell. Don't feed the gossip girls. If Edward wanted them that involved in his personal life, they would be.

Sometimes, he seemed paranoid about it all. At times I think he is overreacting.

Talking to Edward isn't always an easy task. He only speaks when he feels like he has something to say. He never tells stories about his experencies or his past. Nor does he expand on reasons he likes things a certain way, and if I do ask, I never get much more out of him.

Always guarded. Always a mystery.

His mouth wasn't made for speaking. It was made to sing. To kiss.

His hands weren't made to hold. They were made to play. His guitar. My body.

Figuring him out was a task I deemed impossible. The more I tried the more I drove myself crazy. I just came to terms that I was lucky to get the pieces he showed me. If I understood him or not, at least I had the parts he was willing to share with me.

I felt thankful for that. I felt...special. No matter how many times he told me it wasn't. I don't know if that made me stupid. If I had no clue how insecure I actually was to feel special enough to get the nights I did.

I like to think he is that beautiful of a person, that anyone in his presence would feel the draw, have a part of them that is thankful just to see something as breathtaking as him in the flesh.

And I was even luckier, because I tasted his lips. Felt his most intimate embrace. I was touched by his hands.

It's not that I liked the feeling of never being good enough, because that voice, as much as I tried to shut it up, was always there.

I told myself, I was good enough, otherwise he wouldn't come to me after the show and let me in. He wouldn't give me any of him. That I didn't have all of him not by my faults, but instead his.

It was his walls, his rules, keeping me out.

Not me. Not because I wasn't good enough. It was something I couldn't explain to Rosalie, because she didn't see the Edward I saw.

She doesn't know him like I know him. All she see's a guy that doesn't care about anyone but himself. A user.

I see someone that is beautifully broken. Vulnerable. Someone behind a crefully constructed mask.

The voice of doubt, or reason is what Rosalie calls it, always butts in. Maybe She knew the real Edward. Maybe I was just too blind to see the truth. My reasoning and views were for my benefit.

Her's weren't to justify anything or anyone.

I'm in too deep now. There is no turning back. No take backs. Right or wrong, I needed him far to much to care about the state I could be left in when it all ends.

I never let myself get delusional enough to entertain the dream that he would change for me.

The hope festered inside me none the less. I just refused to feed it. It was probably better this way anyway, I had no idea if I had anything worth giving anyone in the sense of the future.

My future...was bleak. I tried to ignore it as much as possible. Days went by, months, years. I stood still. Afraid. I know I'm dying. Everyday is a day closer. I am just way to scared to find out if that would be sooner or later. This is what Rosalie didn't understand about me. She thought, either way, I had the right to live and be happy.

Except, right now, with Edward...I did feel alive. I never felt happier than when I am with him. And when he left, I felt relief. I wouldn't be the one leaving. He would remain intact whatever life held for me.

Right. Wrong. Good. Evil.

Just words. With the right spin, I could make anything okay in my eyes when it comes to Edward Cullen.

For a minute, when I walk in the bar I wish things were different. I wish when his eyes landed on me his face lit up with a smile. I wish that he would stop mid sentence to come hold me in his arms, tell me how much he has missed me.

I push that aside, nothing is perfect.

When I walk in, his blue eyes meet mine, and he doesn't make a move to even acknowledge me.

I order a beer, and think about how good I will feel in a few hours.

He tells me to wait for him outside the RV, he needs ten minutes. Alice and Jasper have a lot of stuff to pack up.

I feel like I am waiting way to long. I sit on the small step, and watch as the time slowly ticks by.

Forty minutes it takes him. He looks a little pale. Kinda sweaty. "You okay?" I ask him, standing up to get out of his way.

"Fine," he says, I notice his hand shaking as he tries to unlock the door.

He pushes it open and motions for me to go in first. His eyes have been avoiding mine.

I go inside.

He walks past me, right to the bathroom. I'm not sure what to do. I stand in the middle of the RV, waiting.

He comes out of the bathroom, looking a little better, "Coming?" he asks, heading back toward his bedroom.

I just follow.

When I enter the small room, I put my bag down by the door. When I look up, he is inches from my face. His blue eyes meet mine as he stares into my eyes; I notice they appear dark and distant. He swallows, his Adams apple bobs up and down with the action. His expression is one of being reserved. I can't make out his intentions. I wish I could read his thoughts; it would make things so much easier when dealing with Edward.

His hand goes to my face and he tilts my head upwards toward his, his lanky frame being so much taller than my own five feet, "Hey," he whispers into my ear, his cheek softly caresses my own, his breath is hot against my skin; sending shivers down my spine. I am holding my breath with his body's close proximity to my own. I can feel every inch of him, his glorious body so close, his scent is so much stronger in this position; all sweet and musky.

"Hey," I whisper back releasing me breath, pulling my face back to meet his gaze, the butterflies in my stomach flutter up to my throat. His hands reach to my arms rubbing them up and down gently, the feeling of his skin to my own is exactly what my body's been craving, this connection with him is like a drug to a junkie, his lips meet mine, I give into him, kissing him back; mirroring every touch his sensual lips make to mine. My hands are still down flat against my side, my body frozen, unsure which move to make first, where he wants me; I don't want to scare him away. I let him take the lead; I'll follow him anywhere.

The kiss continues it's slow and gentle. He steps backwards, his hands continue caressing my arms, one hand reaches down and snags my hand into his firm grasp as he pulls me down into the bed along side him, undressing me slowly with determined hands, I intend to savor the experience, following his lead, I help rid him of his pesky clothes, his mouth caresses my neck and shoulder, "A Stóirín," he whispers to me.

Sometimes sex with him is rough and full of need and desire. Sometimes it's soft, sweet, and more loving.

I love both.

His kisses are long and sensual; his tender lips grazing along my neck, shoulders and chest, and there is no rush.

His large hands are protective and soothing; his long delicate fingers send electric pulses everywhere they touch, my skin is set on fire with each contact he makes.

When he is inside me, he moves in and out methodically. Our bodies are so in-sync with one another; both moving at the same pace, gently meeting the other. I feel so connected to him when we are like this. It's as if his body is singing to mine in it's own language and song.

I am in sensory overload. Each soft penetrating glide of his hips, meeting mine, each delightful graze of his hands along my body, and each tender kiss of his beautiful lips as he places his mouth to the curve of my neck and shoulder sends me into a blissful release, my body crying out to his and begging for him to join me.

He doesn't disappoint; meeting his own release following two deep thrusts. His body stills, not saying any words, just continuing to kiss and lick my shoulder, neck and chin, ending in a swift by passionate kiss to my lips; no tongues, its over as quickly as it began but the tenderness is clearly there.

It's rare that I fall asleep in his arms, but tonight I do.

When I wake up not an hour later, it's to loud noises. Edward isn't in bed anymore.

I can hear Alice and Jasper trying to whisper. Edward yells back at them.

"Alice, I know what I'm talking about!"

I climb out of bed, the sheet wrapped around my naked body. I walk out to see what is going on.

"Edward, just relax," Jasper tries to calm him down.

I notice drawers open. Suitcases open, things all over the place.

"What's going on?" I ask. All three of them stare at me like I have two heads. My eyes dance to Alice, Jasper, and Edward, back to Alice. "What?" I ask again.

"They were here," Edward says.

"Who was here?" I ask.

"No one, Bella." Alice says, quietly. "Edward just heard us come in, and he thought someone was trying to break in.."

"Well, everything is okay then?" I try to figure out what is going on.

Edward looks torn.

"If they were here, they are gone now, dude, just go back to bed." Jasper suggests.

I reach for his hand, he doesn't pull away.

I lead him back to bed.

He mumbles something about someone not getting the hint and leaving him alone, I assume he might have an overzealous fan, and that maybe he does have reason to be paranoid.

I wake up alone the next morning. Alice smiles at me, "Edward had to go out."

"Oh...I should just go anyway."

I wish them luck as I know they are back on the road in a matter of hours.

No goodbye. See you later. Until next time.

Maybe it's easier.

Never did like goodbyes much.

**Reviews are great - Rec'ing your FF pals to read is even better. Love you all. I cherish all your reviews, and if I wasn't a mother of 2 kids in 2nd grade and kindergarten who worked full time, I would respond to each and every one of your reviews. I read them all - and always smile. I cherish them. So, please don't think otherwise. I am just very busy on top of real life and trying to keep up regular updates. **

**Until next week! **


	5. Chapter 5

**SM owns. **

**I don't own any of the songs or lyrics used in the chapter. **

**TwilightsoneFan Pattinson get's the props for making the lemon extra Juicy. **

**Kennedy Nicole and Lynne Pepper for pre-reading and catching some of my mistakes. **

**Bare with me - I'm not really using a Beta - I'm just doing this for me and I want to do it at my own pace - so sorry I don't have it properly Beta'd. **

**Thanks to The Lemonade Stand (awesome blog with great rec's) for having this up for Fic of the week. **

**On with the story...see you in about a week. **

When Edward is gone, my life is the same. A bit Emptier, but the same; I go to work, hang out with my friends, and cook dinner for my father once a week. I stop trying so hard to avoid Peter. He is persistent, and at the end of the day a good guy. Don't ever tell Rose I said that. That goes to the grave.

Rosalie is the only one that knows what I do with Edward Cullen. Not even Emmett knows.

I have them all over at my place one night after we get a bite to eat in Center City. Emmett notices I have Edward's cd.

"You dig his music Bells?" he asks, holding up the CD.

"Yeah. I do." I say, taking it out of his hands. I've been fucking Edward for months. Been friends with Emmett since he started dating Rosalie last year, and I have no idea how they know each other.

I hate to talk to Rosalie about Edward. As for Emmett, I feel like it would be obvious if I asked him about Edward. Then asking Edward.. oh did you hear the cynical laughing? Well, he won't tell you anything. It's mostly a need to know thing with Edward, and I guess I don't need to know that.

"Sucks that his record deal got all screwed up last year. Guy has a real talent, too bad he is his own worst enemy."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I try not to seem like I care, that I am just going along with the conversation.

"Nothing, not my shit to talk about." Emmett says, flopping down on my couch, and pulling Rosalie with him.

"How do you even know Edward Cullen?" I ask him; I figure no better chance to find out.

"His Uncle Carlisle, is married to my Aunt Esme, so I guess he is like my cousin through marriage...I don't know. They pretty much raised him and Alice, though. I don't talk about it, like I said, not my place to talk about other peoples problems."

I know there is no more to ask. Emmett isn't going to open up about all the places Edward is broken. I see the look Rosalie gives Emmett, then I get a warning glare. Her eyes are begging me to stay away. I know she is going to try to pump the information out of Emmett the second she gets the chance.

She should just stay out of it.

It's my puzzle to put together.

We hang out the rest of the night, laughing, chatting, drinking beer, and listening to Edwards Demo.

Peter asks me to go out with him the same night Edward will be playing a show.

"I can't, I have plans that night." I tell him.

"Oh?" Peter questions me awkwardly.

"I am going to see Edward Cullen play. It's kind of far," I explain. Peter wasn't totally wrong about Edward. He is a loner. The fuck and duck part...I mean he fucks...

So good.

"He isn't playing in the city?" Peter asks.

"Oh, no, he is playing a show in Lancaster."

Rosalie shakes her head at me. I give her a look, telling her not to start.

"Who are you going with?" Emmett asks, "That's like almost a two hour drive, you staying out there?"

"Um," this is where I feel like I have been caught in lies. "Actually, Alice and I have become friends, and since they will be passing through Philly from Jersey, Alice said they could pick me up and I could stay with them for the night...then I was going to catch a greyhound back," I explain.

It was the weirdest Facebook message I have ever got. From Edward Cullen. I mean, he wouldn't call to make plans with me. That would break one of his rules.

Instead, he sends me a private message.

**Are** **you** **coming** **to** **the** **show** **in** **Lancaster?** **Edward**

**Kinda** **far...my** **cars** **crappy...not** **sure** **how** **realistic** **that** **is** **for** **me.** **Bella**

**We** **can** **grab** **you** **on** **our** **way** **from** **Jersey.** **Edward**

**Really?** **Bella**

I was stunned. It was almost a date. Flannel Boy was making plans to see me.

**Yeah,** **I** **gotta** **make** **a** **stop** **in** **the** **city** **anyway...you'd** **just** **have** **to** **figure** **out** **how** **to** **get** **home...cause** **we** **go** **to** **Harrisburg** **then** **Pittsburgh** **-** **Let** **me** **know.** **E**

So, I checked out the bus schedule. I agreed, I would have agreed if I had to rent a car to drive back home.

So, I lied to them about how the plans went down. I made it sound like Alice was my new BFF. Whatever.

Emmett makes some comment about watching myself around Edward. I shrug it off. "Since when do I get attached to anyone?" I point out. He can't argue with this. I've run from every potential serious boyfriend since I was sixteen.

I finally found someone who I could be with that liked to keep a safe distance.

No need to try and make them understand. How could they? They don't live with the fear I do.

~Hands~

Jasper is driving and Alice is sitting up front with him.

And Edward is...pleasantly playful. He hasn't shaved, which I knew from facebook pictures. He has on this black beanie, and I run my fingers over his beard. "Going for longest beard?" I smile at him.

"What?" he asks, stroking his beard, "Don't like it?" I just shake my head, surprised when he bends down to kiss my cheek. "A Stóirín," he says, I don't know if I should blush, but he only says that to me in bed, and now he is saying it in front of Alice and Jasper...and I have no idea what he is calling me.

"Awww, how sweet! You call her that?" Alice says, Edward swiftly tells her to shut up.

We are sitting on the woven brown couch, music blaring from up front; we are about thirty minutes outside the city.

"I'm glad you are coming," I can feel his smile against my neck, his tongue darts out, then his teeth sink into the skin. There's a shivering feeling where his warm, wet lips and tongue touches me; his teeth marking my skin gives me false confidence. I hide behind my denial and wishful thinking, trying to tell myself it's his unspoken way of letting everyone know that he gave it to me. The scruff from his beard grazes and tickles my neck and causes me to quietly giggle. His gesture gives me the chills up and down my spine. "I'm not coming yet," I flirt with him suggestively. I am so shamelessly needy for his hands to explore me everywhere; setting off those sensual pulse points that he easily discovers, knowing just what I need from his skillful touch to bring me to my brink.

Edward's beautiful eyes gaze into mine, a gleam behind them; squinting, and with a playful gesture his finger caresses my cheek stroking downward to my mouth as his thumb gently rubs across my bottom lip. Arching one eyebrow, mumbling, "I can change that," he tells me, while swiftly removing me from his lap that I was snugly draped over and pushing me underneath him on the couch.

"Jasper and Alice are like...three feet away," I whisper, wide eyed in shock that he'd even suggest it.

"So? Most of the time they are what? Like seven feet away, what's the difference? A flimsy ass door placed between us? They won't pay attention...plus..." he begins to not only use his words to convince me but also his body, when he rubs his hardness up and down my center. "...You feel so good..." his lips kiss mine; encouraging me to follow his lead and take this as far as we can go. I feel so exposed and on display out here on the couch but his skillfully busy hands rub up and down my arms, gently pinning my shoulders down, kissing my neck and collar bone, alternating his kisses with soft playful nips and licking and his deliciously hard length; currently imprisoned in his pants is slowly gyrating up and down against my dripping wet center teasing me to want the full performance.

"Let's just go back to your room then..." I say, my hands on his face, I lift my head to kiss him.

"Live a little Bella."

His hand travels down my chest and stomach gliding under my shirt, then back upwards massaging my breast over my bra, pinching and teasing my nipples through the material.

I do find it erotic. The risk of being caught. I bite my lip, and nod my silent consent.

He pulls a blanket from the back of the couch and covers us. His lips attack my neck while his hands push my pants and panties down to my knees, he pulls back to look at me with that wicked grin that makes my heart skip a beat, he knows it. It's the grin that speaks the words "Owned by Cullen." I achingly wait for what move he has next in mind for me.

He is so slick as he pulls himself out of his fly only, and I am impressed how easily he rips open the condom with his teeth and slides the condom on with one hand; his other supporting his weight above me.

"Fuck how I want to taste you," he whispers. The image runs through my mind of him buried between my legs, his coppery hair all a mess as his tongue forcefully works over my clit and pussy bringing me to climax.

"Please use your tongue later tonight," I beg quietly against his neck.

"Only for my A Stóirín,"

But this isn't about taking our time. It's about being fast and quiet.

There is no foreplay. It's straight to business. He licks three fingers than rubs it against my opening, making sure I'm wet enough. He groans, because I am so wet and very ready for him to make me feel complete. I bite my bottom lip, nervous and excited, anxious for him and wasting no time….

He fills me in one swift thrust, deep and full.

All I can feel is immense pleasure. He continues thrusting at a slow, and exquisite pace.

His index finger that's coated in my juices enters his mouth. "So good, taste yourself on me," he offers his middle finger to me, placing it between my lips. I suck on it, swirling my tongue around his finger. His ring finger we share, our tongues clashing. It's salty and tangy; I taste good on his hands, a moan escapes from me.

I anchor my hand around the back of his neck, breathing heavy, as he continues his delicious thrusts in and out of me.

His movements are short and muted because of our awkward positions with my pants snugly wrapped around my knees, he smells so good, and my nose is buried in his neck and shoulder. The heat of his breath on my neck sends wonderful chills through my torso straight down to my core. The way he is breathing heavy; I can't help it, the need for more is simply unbearable, I shimmy my pants further down my legs and lift my knees so he can go deeper. He smirks, "Not very subtle, Bella," he whispers with amusement, pushing my legs back down.

The urgency to finish as fast as possible without being obvious, spurs me to think differently about how to reach our climax.

I thrust slightly to get just enough friction on my clit encouraging him and also to allow him to go deeper. "You...fuck...I..." Edward whispers in my ear trying to get something out as his hips gracefully propel him in and out of me.

"A little harder?" I mouth the words, asking desperately for more but anxious to stay quiet. Our eyes locked, he holds my hips and pushes into me so hard, determination written all over his face, his eyes hold so much emotion, but it's hard to read them clearly.

He looks back to the front of the RV; to make sure Alice and Jasper aren't paying attention. Who knows, and who cares, it feels so damn good. At this point they are going to play dumb anyway.

Edward looks at me, arching that sexy brow of his and nods, "play with your clit," he whispers into my ear, licking inside of it, sending shivers down my spine.

He removes my hand from the back of his neck, and brings it down between us.

I do as he asks circling my fingers, sending me into a frenzy, causing me to spasm and quiver around his dick as my climax takes hold of me and soon he is grunting and jerking quietly on top of me, as I try to relax from the orgasm. My legs are tense, stiff, and my toes feel like they may never uncurl.

"Shit," I say, out of breath.

Edward stays on top of me, inside of me, panting. His hand moves some of my hair off my face.

"If you two are done fucking, I really need to pee," Alice announces from the front seat.

Edward laughs into my neck. "Just cuddling Alice, no fucking."

I hear her stand, I won't look, I bury my face into the man that owns me. "Right we all cuddle wearing condoms," she says picking up the wrapper. "Just...Jasper and I sleep there...you have to wash that blanket."

"Washing it will do no good, he needs to buy us a new one," Jasper calls out from the driver's seat.

"To think...I actually thought we weren't obvious." I finally say, trying not to be a totally mortified prude.

"Your sister must think I'm the biggest slut or just the most desperate whore." I tell Edward.

"Alice loves you. She has some shit in her head about me and you being..." he stops.

"Being...?"

"You know, more than causal sex. I'm just glad you and I are on the same page. Alice...well what she wants for us just doesn't even matter...this works for you though?"

"For now," I give him a sleepy smile, stroking his beard. I'm so screwed. How do I know that? Because of how badly I want to say those three anything but little words to him.

I am quite and thoughtful in Edwards arms the rest of the trip. It feels wonderful to be in love, which I totally know that I am when it comes to my feelings for Flannel Boy. Unrequited love is better than never having any love at all, and I'll take the bits of happiness that I can find along my journey.

I fall asleep on the couch, and wake up to darkness. Alice comes out of the bathroom, "Hey, sleepyhead!"

"What time is it?" I ask her, sitting up.

"Seven-thirty," she smiles. "Edward is inside doing sound check."

"God, I'm never going to be ready in time," I throw the blankets off me ignoring that the zipper and fly to my jeans are still undone, and start digging through my things to get ready.

"Calm down Bella. You have all night." Alice assures me. I just want to be enough for him, even if it is just for tonight.

I get ready in record time. Skinny jeans, red heel boots with lots of sliver buckles, black wife beater that belongs to him, tied in a knot exposing some of my stomach. I dress it up with a short red leather jacket.

When I walk in the bar, the first thing I see is Edward, behind the piano. Tinkering with the keys. I've never seen him behind the piano.

The piano is old, wooden. It fits with the bar. Everything is very rustic. He looks up, and sees me.

Smiles.

Waves me over.

This is bad, because I feel like his.

I almost wish he'd ignore me all night. He shouldn't do this. I shouldn't allow him to do this, because this makes those damn butterflies flutter up to my throat, and makes it worse for me when he leaves.

I know the longer this goes on the more heartbroken I will be, but when he pats the piano bench next to him, I sit down.

I watch him play softly. He doesn't move when I rest my head on his shoulder. I know the song that he's playing, right away; I start to hum along softly.

"You have this amazing talent...Use it." He encourages me, as he continues to play, he sings the words softly, encouraging me to do the same.

The bar is empty, so I feel safe enough to do it with him, even though the song reminds me so much of my life.

**and I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance**

**And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness**

**Because none of it was ever worth the risk**

**Well you are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

Edward stops singing with me, and just plays the bridge his fingers moving gracefully over the piano keys. He gives me an encouraging smile to finish the song. So I do. I forget the things that hold me back and I just...sing. Really truly sing. With my emotions...tied so deep, it brings tears to the edge of my eyes.

**I've got a tight grip on reality**

**But I can't let go of what's in front of me here**

**I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream**

Just than a gaggle of a half a dozen girls walk in. I'm pretty sure those words coupled with the raw emotion of my voice was too much for him. He stops playing. I stop singing. He looks at them, then at me. "You pick the theme tonight," he kisses my head then stands and walks away. Leaving me. I press one of the deeper keys, trying not to get mad at him.

I think one of them noticed the exchange between Edward and me. She gives me the stink eye. She whispers to her friends and they all look at me.

He talks with them later, laughs, and even flirts. The one that gave me the stink eye thinks she is rubbing something in, since he is with her and not me.

I just chuckle to myself. Because I know who is really going to fuck him tonight, and it isn't her.

After the show, Alice tells me Edward will meet us in the RV. I notice the group of girls hanging out close by.

I smirk and wave at the girl from earlier, she knows whose RV it is. It's obvious why I am going inside.

Edward is taking forever. I need to smoke, get some fresh air. It's chilly, and I grab one of his flannels to go outside and smoke.

The group of girls is still there. Hanging out pathetically, drunk and falling all over each other.

Edward comes out the back door. Head down. "Hey, sexy," they call out to him.

He looks up at them and smiles, half embarrassed, shaking his head.

"Have a good night, ladies. Thanks for coming out," he tells them.

I take another drag and smile when he reaches me; he takes the cigarette from me. "Hey," he says, kissing the side of my head. "Let's go in," he glances back at the group.

I nod, and go in first, reluctantly the girls go. I'm surprised he did that.

"I thought you didn't want any of them to know?"

"I also want them to leave...and in Jersey a group of them stayed outside the RV half the night hoping I'd invite them in. It was terrifying."

"Poor baby," I make fun of him. But really, I can't imagine it would be very settling.

"So did you think of something good?" he asks me.

"I did." I think I did anyway.

"Well...what are we doing tonight?" he asks, "Besides the obvious, because I know your head is in the gutter."

I slap his chest. "Britney Spears."

His eyes go wide. "You didn't."

"I did... for making me watch you flirt with those hussies!"

"Do I detect some jealousy?"

"Pfft! Jealous?" I laugh it off. I really don't want him to know how strong my feelings are, I want to blow off that stupid song we shared earlier and get back to the basics of me and Flannel Boy - fuck hot sex. Period.

He hands me the guitar. "Then start this train-wreck."

"If that's what you think it will be," I take the guitar from him.

I play a lot, when I'm home by myself. I can't play this openly or freely anywhere else, not since my mom died. Edward truly is my only exception.

With him, it's just natural.

I smile to myself as I start the song.

"**This** **Kitten** **Got** **Your** **Tongue** **Tied** **In** **Knots** **I** **See**

**Spit** **It** **Out** **Cuz** **I'm** **Dying** **For** **Company**

**I** **Notice** **That** **You** **Got** **It**

**You** **Notice** **That** **I** **Want** **It**

**You** **Know** **That** **I** **Can** **Take** **It** **To** **The** **Next** **Level** **Ba-by!**

**If** **You** **Want** **This** **Good** **Bitch**

**Sicker** **Than** **The** **Remix**

**Baby** **Let** **Me** **Blow** **Your** **Mind** **Tonight**

**I** **Can't** **Take** **It** **Take** **It** **Take** **No** **More**

**Never** **Felt** **Like** **Felt** **Like** **This** **Before**

**C'mon** **Get** **Me** **Get** **Me** **On** **The** **Floor**

**DJ** **What** **You** **What** **You** **Waitin'** **For..."**

He has no idea what to think, where this came from, but I can see how much he likes it.

Edward gets really goofy and belts out the rest of the song with me. We crack up through most of it. Alice is laughing so hard she says her stomach hurts, and Jasper smokes a joint shaking his head at us.

"Your turn," I tell Edward when we finish.

"I don't know any Britney," he tells me. "I think we should change the theme to like, do the most embarrassing song you know."

"So, what's the song you don't want anyone to know you can do?" I ask him.

I really want to know this. It's a glimpse inside of him. Alice teases him, begging him to do the song. I know it's gonna be good.

Edward huffs and starts to play. I'm going to laugh then something about the lyrics to the song and the fact that they are coming out of Edward's mouth hits me so hard, it feels like I just got punched in the gut.

"**But** **there's** **a** **voice** **inside** **my** **head,** **saying** **you'll** **never** **reach** **it...Lost** **with** **no** **direction...The** **struggles** **I'm** **facing..."**

I know there is more to Edward knowing a Miley Cyrus song then being funny. Alice hits my arm, "Edward doing Miley...who would have ever thought?" The way she says it, I can tell even she is uncomfortable and insincere.

I smile with her. But somehow, the humor is lost. Alice knows it. I know it. Edward knows it. He just finishes the song. Everyone is quiet and still except for him, and honestly the way he sings the words is too real, too heavy to laugh at. This isn't a joke.

When he is done, he puts the guitar down. "I think I'm done for tonight," he announces.

"I thought he'd just do Justin Bieber..." Alice trails off, as we all watch him go back to his room.

"Miley Cyrus is more cringe worthy in my opinion," Jasper adds.

I'm not sure what to do. His door is shut, I'm not sure I can take being rejected by him, but I'd do anything to make him smile again. To make sure everyday was like today, because today...was a good day.

I gather all the strength and courage I can, because I think I'm going to need it if I have any hope of getting through to Edward. More so, I think Edward is going to need it.

This boy is way more broken than I ever imagined, maybe even just as broken as me.

* * *

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	6. Chapter 6

**SM Owns. Not me. Never would I be lucky enough to make millions of dollars off one of my dreams - otherwise I'd be selling the one I had where Rob cheated on KStew with me.**

**Big thanks to Lynne Pepper and Kennedy Nicole. I need them to bug me about when they are going to get to read the next update of Hands...Otherwise I don't know when I'd write it...**

**Also- the awesome Lemon writer I found - TwilightsoneFan Pattinson. Because you all love lemons and I hate writing them - so I found someone who loves writing them! Win win!**

**ANYWAY - Hopefully I'll see you in about a week. I actaully meant for this to be a drabble...I'm too wordy - BUT I really wanna try one. So I have something in mind for that. Of course it's another Bella too young for Edward - My inspiration - the movie The Crush - except ya know Bella isn't as crazy as Alicia Silverstone...and Edward isn't as noble as what's his face. Since ya know, he'd give in. Which wouldn't really give cause for all the crazy behavior! Just trying to think of a good job for Edward...was thinking new Lawyer...but I don't want it to be too much like AoC...PM me any thoughts on this...If you would be interested...how far could I push this envelope with it...With Drabbles like Worship and Gropeward and Cheerbella...I'm feeling a little more like I can push it further...But I know fine line for it not to be creepy.**

**Hands**

**Chapter 6**

I stood in front of the brown accordion door, Edward tried to slam a few moments earlier. I ran my finger down one of the creases, asking myself how I planned on getting him to open up to me.

If I showed him a part of me would he do the same?

If he did, would I even be able to help?

Maybe I should just go in there and do what exactly what I am here to do. Fuck him until I forget. Let him fuck me until he forgets. Just be the distraction.

I know that it's more. That Edward Cullen in my life is no accident. The way he calls to me, knowing that I would go to the ends of the earth no questions asked if he just told me to. The calling I feel...is beyond reason. There is something waiting to be discovered. Healed or learned.

I can go in there and fuck him until he forgets. But then I just put off figuring out why I am here in the first place.

My mom always said there was a reason for everything. There was no such things as accidents. Everything happens for the greater good. I have a hard time finding the same conviction, while I stand half in her shoes.

"Edward?" I say softly, pushing the door to the left to slide it open, it's not smooth since it doesn't sit in the track perfectly anymore, and I have to be more forceful than I want to be.

It shuts easier than it opens.

Isn't that true about most things?

He is sitting on his bed, Indian-style. Staring down at his hands. "Are you okay?" I ask.

"Just tired...ready for bed. It's been a long week." He stands up, and starts to get ready for bed, pulling off his t-shirt and unbuckling his belt.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask.

"I said I was fine. So, there is nothing to talk about...I can sleep up front if you want." He is avoiding me, looking for something - anything, as long as he doesn't look at me. Or seem to be giving me more than half his attention.

"Would you stop pushing me away?" I go to him, placing my hands on his bare chest.

He turns his back on me. "I don't want to give you mixed signals. I think I gave you mixed signals today...and nothing has changed," I can hear him swallow the words back.

"So we aren't friends?" I reach out and touch his shoulder blade. "Because I thought you might at least think of me as a friend."

"This is exactly what I didn't want you to do! I don't need anymore friends," he shakes his head, a cynical laugh escapes his lips.

He turns back to me. His eyes say one thing, but there is something keeping him closed off from me.

I take his hand, he tries to take it back, I hold tighter. "Stop," I pull him back to the bed. I sit Indian-style, and pat the space in front of me. "I could use a friend to talk to..."

He runs his hand through his hair then sits in front of me. "You have friends you can talk to like Rose, I can't..."

"You asked my why I was willing to do this with you, and I want to answer your question."

He nods and looks down, when he looks back up, I look down.

"So my mom died when I was fifteen...Like three months after she had me, she found out she had Huntington's Disease. I watched her die a slow death. I watched her go from forgetful to complete memory loss. I watched my dad try his best to care for her, but it was hard. He should have put her in like a nursing home, but he couldn't. She had trouble swallowing, speaking, walking until she couldn't do anything. It literally stole her away."

I look back up at him. "That must have been hard for you to see," he whispers.

"For anyone it would be hard. I mean, I watched my Dad cry...a lot. Music would calm her. She loved music." I think I smile a little thinking of those memories. "She started teaching me Blackbird when I was eight. Then she just couldn't teach me anymore, she was too sick. So I taught myself. It was when I was fourteen, she was gone, lost in her mind most of the time, didn't remember me...not until I played that song. Take these broken wings and learn to fly..."

Edward's hand reaches out and his thumb wipes tears under my eyes. "I played that song at her funeral, and I swore I'd never play again for anyone but her."

Except, Edward. He seems to be my exception. Maybe she even sent him to me.

I don't know if he realizes that. "You think, it can't get much worse right? I mean watching your mom die for your whole life, knowing from a very young age that scary truth. I mean - it's the truth for everyone, but a child should be able to be protected from that."

He is holding my hand, and this is the part I have to turn into stone. This is the part I have to disconnect. Keep them as words, and not a reality, because I don't know how to connect them and still be alive. Still make it through the day.

"When I was sixteen, my dad took me out of school for a doctor's appointment. Telling me more about mom's disease..." I tell him the story as the memory plays in mind...

_"I don't get it, I'm not sick...why are we going to the doctor?" I asked my father climbing in his police cruiser._

_"I need to talk to you about...mom."_

_"Mom? What about her?"_

_"Huntington's Disease, Bells...It's genetic."_

_"Genetic?" I repeated. Red and blue DNA cubes flashed in my mind from biology. Genes, you pass. The reason you have brown eyes like your father, and your mother's nose...the reason why your risk for cancer increases._

_I listened to him explain it to me. How there was a fifty percent chance she passed the gene to me. If she did there wasn't a maybe I would get the disease, it was a certainty. He tried to say there was a good chance I didn't have it. He was being positive, but I could see the fear in his eyes._

_"Why would she do this? Why would she have me?" I was so angry and I hated her._

_"She didn't know Bells...you know Grandpa raised her, you know her mother didn't stick around...probably for that reason. You were the best thing that ever happened to her, and she loved you more than anything. You brought her so much happiness."_

_"Well I'm glad! I'm glad I might die a slow horrible death so that she could have a little happiness!"_

_I don't begrudge her that anymore. When I said that, my father looked just as heartbroken as the day she died._

_That's when I realized how cursed he was. Not me. Not my mother. Him._

_He buried his wife, and now he wanted to find out if he'd have to bury his daughter._

_I shook my head. "No. Go back." I told him._

_"Bells, we should be prepared."_

_"For what? I don't want to know. I don't want to live everyday...knowing I'm dying."_

I come back to the present. With Edward. My walls up, keeping me safe from whatever awful truth I refuse to know.

"So, I don't get close to people...I always leave. You always leave. Seems like just what I need. For someone else to do what I can't anymore. Be the one to walk away. I never felt more on fire with life than I do when I'm with you...and so I agreed to this with you. I stand still...afraid to live...because it all might be pointless."

"Your life isn't pointless, no matter how long or how short...nothing you do or accomplish could ever be pointless." It's the first thing he has ever told me, that I truly believe he believes.

I don't know that I can. I think he sees the doubt in my eyes.

"Trust me Bella, I know pointless."

"Tell me," I move closer to him.

"It's not important. My shit...it's not important."

"Just like you think my life isn't pointless...you are important."

I believe it.

He doesn't.

I know then, how much we have to learn from one another. And that neither of us were going to submit to it without a fight.

"You have problems Bella. Problems you hide from. Me? I have secrets. Secrets on most days I don't want to fix."

"Who said secrets were bad?" I question him.

"They are secrets for a reason. They will either hurt someone, or cause you shame."

"You want us to be a secret..."

"I never said that. I said I didn't want to flaunt it. There is a difference."

"Will your secret hurt someone or cause you shame?" I ask wanting to know more.

"I'd like to think it only effects me, hurts me," he looks out the small murky window. "But I know that's just another lie I tell myself so I feel less guilty about it."

"Will it hurt me?" I ask.

"Not if you listened to me...but you never planned on listening to me did you?" I know exactly what he is talking about. My feelings for him.

"So tell me. You obviously want to keep people away, you want to keep people from caring about you as much as -" I stop, but then think; Fuck it, just say it already. "As much as I do...so tell me. Scare me away."

He laughs again, "I might have thought that would work up until you told me all of that, but I don't think it would make you run away. You'd just...accept it along with everything else I've thrown at you. Like the little masochistic girl too afraid to find out if she has a life worth living."

Everything shifted. In one instant. From sad truths, to anger and more lies to hide the truth.

"You. Have. No. Idea." I accuse him harshly.

"I have an idea Bella. Trust me! I have an idea! Have you died? Because I have. So while you fear it everyday, while you let it rule you to the point that you don't even enjoy the days you do have, I've been there, and I'm not scared to go back. What I do, is whatever the fuck I want. And when it claims me again, I'll know I lived. Even if it's what killed me."

He is inches from my face, staring me down, breathing heavy. "Everyone is dying, Bella. Everyday your day is closer. Let the fuck go and own your choice not to find out and live...or you might as well already know your dying cause that's the way you fucking act. Put up the walls because you know, or tear them down cause you don't give a shit."

His words hit me hard. Maybe he is right, maybe I'm doing this all wrong. Do you know those moments that something changes? I think in a few years time, I'm going to look back, and realize this was a moment that defined an event. This is the moment that changed something inside of me.

Everything is charged, and even if we think our walls are up, I know this is when they are the weakest. When I might get more out of Edward in the heat of the moment. So I challenge him. If he wants to do whatever he wants, why should he be ashamed of that?

"So why are you ashamed of doing whatever the fuck you want?"

"It's easy to be selfish Bella, but guilt and shame are built into every human being. It's what makes people better. So, stop giving a shit about what I have hidden. Stop giving a shit about me, because there is only one thing I give a shit about, it's not you. It's not me, it's not even my music. It will always win. And I have no desire to change that. It controls me, and I let it. I welcome it."

I kiss him. Hard. Our tongues fight, just no longer with words. He grabs my shoulders, pushing me away. He keeps a tight grip on me as he stares at me.

I don't know why I give in to him. But I know he is the one that controls me. I understand him in that moment. He is the same as me. Only fearless. I want to welcome him. No matter how broken he leaves me. No matter how it destroys me. I do welcome him. And he has become my secret.

I stare at him, my eyes pleading. I need what he can give me. He is my exit from the woes of reality, my constant fear of what will become of me if I choose to embrace my mother's past and my possible future. A path I choose to deny or give any thought to as I move forward with each passing day.

"Edward please, I need you," I beg him. A single tear escapes my eye and slowly falls. He grazes my cheek with his thumb but says nothing in response.

His eyes are dark filled with many emotions buried deep as he battles with his inner conflicts. He lets out a sigh and pulls me near; a decision won, abruptly he kisses lips meet mine with force and unyielding desire. He needs this as much as I do, but I sense that he still fights himself with following his heart rather than what his gut tells him to do.

Piece by piece my clothes are shed, his lips and teeth meeting the bare skin left in the wake, his clothes swiftly follow mine on the floor. No words are spoken; he is going with the motions but yet still so emotionally disconnected.

My heart aches for him, for the feelings he brings me the pure release and pleasure inside of me. My mind takes a vacation whenever we are joined. I need this. I need him.

His hands are searching my body, caressing and exploring. I know this will be fast and rough, my body craves it, I'm eager to feel him move inside me. His inability to meet my eyes makes me wonder what battle he is waging inside of himself, what is he confronting now?

He pulls away from me. I let out a sigh of protest as he stands in front of me gloriously naked; a symbolism of his internal conflict with his inner demons perhaps.

Grabbing my shoulders, Edward spins me around, he is rough but not abusive, his movement are quick as he brushes up against me; his bare chest to my naked back. I can feel him trembling; his palms are sweaty on my arms. He pulls his right arm across my front wrapping his hand around my opposite shoulder. His hold on me is tight.

His head is over my right shoulder as his left cheek grazing my right. His breath is hot in my ear, "Is this what you want Bella, what you need?" He questions through clenched teeth.

I'm lost in the sensation of our bodies so closely joined, yearning for more. Mymouth opens but I can't get the words out. I nod my consent and sigh. He kisses my cheek and pulls his arm away, releasing me from his hold, but not allowing me to turn back around.

I hear the distinct sound of a foil wrapper ripping open and the condom being rolled onto his length. I arch my back pushing my rear into him. He hisses,stroking his length across my heated core. I can feel myself twitch with anticipation. His dick strokes and pats my clit right where I need it, while his teethnip and bite my right shoulder, then his tongue licks a path down my spine, pushing down on my shoulders and bending me forward. His hands grab my hip as hethrusts into me in one swift movement rocking

me relentlessly. I let out a moan gasping for air, his movements are rough and fast, deep and penetrating; he's not holding back. I hear his grunts, feel every inch of his thick length as it relentlessly enters and exits me. I want more. "That's it Edward, right there, just a bit more," I tell him bracing myself on the end of the bed for better support from the onslaught of his powerful thrusts.

Edward grabs my hair wrapping it tightly in his fist with on hand and pushing down on my hips with the other. His breathing is short and choppy as he getslost in the act of taking me over the edge.

"Like that Bella, just like that, is this what you wanted from me, to take all of you and make you come?" He calls out to me between his powerful thrusts. His grip on my hair getting tighter, it hurts but feels so good all at the same time. Yes this is exactly what I need.

"Yes Edward, yes" I pant.

The pleasure is so over powering, my body trembles and quakes for him. The way he takes my body and make me his. I needed this, he always delivers just what I need, what my body craves. His swift and forceful thrusts are now choppy and quick, his breathing rough and panting; he is close I can feel him trembling along with me. He commands me with each thrust and between clenched teeth as he holds off his own release for mine.

"Now Bella! Now, give it to me. Let go sweet girl, live a little, let yourself feel what it means to live!"

And I do, I let go hard, my body trembles as every muscle in my body clinches up and my legs loose their strength to support me fully, turning to jello. Slowly my muscles begin to relax as I come down from my intense climax.

He releases a moan as he too reaches his climax, his hips cease their thrust, his dick twitches and I feel his hot release deep inside of me. I'm blissfully exhausted, my body sags, no longer strong enough to support my own weight. Edward grabs hold of my waist, hoisting me back up against his chest. He places a chaste kiss to my cheek as he removes the condom and depositing it in the trash. He then drags our sated bodies onto his bed and passes out on his back next to me. I reach down gathering the covers and pull them over us as I schooch backwards, moving as close to him as I can possibly get. I feel a sense of Peace. I lay there listening to his quiet breaths; signaling his eminent sleep. I want him to teach me how to be fearless.

And he was right, his secret doesn't matter.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm sorry no one got review replies last time with Teasers - FF(dot)net made it such a pain in the ass to send teasers - I just copy and paste - I know generic, but I have 2 kids (7 and 5) And I work full time now, Mon-Fri 9a-6p and it's a good 45 min drive, so if I can't just copy and paste, I really don't have time to write, work, take care of kids and house, and sleep. And when I copy and paste something I just sent - it says I have to wait 5 min to send another user the same message.<strong>

**If you want teasers, add me on Facebook, or if you are already a friend on there, LMK you want a teaser - I'll post them. I just hate to post them if no one is giving a shit! OKAY! That's all!**

**Love you all! See you either under the boardwalk or back here - or "this side or the other" (I freaking love that movie!)**


	7. Chapter 7

**SM Owns not me. **

**Kennedy Nicole, Lynn Pepper - The Lemonade Stand. All of you rock for all your help and support!**

Hands

Chapter 7

My feet are moving quickly across the pavement my hand inside his as he pulls me along the sidewalk. My short dress is raising up and I struggle with my free hand to pull it down.

My ankle gives in the high heels, Edward looks back at me as I falter, clearly annoyed. "Whats the rush?" I ask him, picking up my pace. If I were moving any faster, I'd be running.

"That's a question."

I roll my eyes. The one condition to me coming, was no questions. We reach an alley and Edward looks back then pulls me down. I resist the urge to ask where we are.

He stops in front of a door, smoke seeps out of vents below me. It's moist and smells funny.

Edward knocks on the door. I wrap my arms around myself, he looks back at me and pulls me into his side. His lips kiss the top of my head and these are the small moments that are few and far between that I am addicted to.

A guy opens the door, greets Edward then looks at me. "She's cool." Edward assures him, squeezing through the door with me. "Bella this is Jamal, Jamal this is Bella."

Jamal glances outside looking to his left then his right before coming back inside the stairwell.

There is only one way to go, up. There are holes and graffeti all up the stairwell, my feet stick to a few steps. At the top is a small dingy apartment.

A futon, a coffee table - that is the cleanest thing in the place, an old beat up TV with antenna's, and a kitchen I don't think would be fit for a rat to eat in. I'm afraid if I have to pee that I'd rather go back in the smokey moist alley. Edward sits down on the futon.

I shudder, because my legs are bare. At least he has on jeans. Jamal goes into the kitchen, "Have a seat Bella," he offers.

"I'm good, thanks." Such a lie, my feet are killing me. Edward pulls my elbow, and sits me on his knee.

"Such a bad liar," he whispers, I smile down at him.

"How many Eddie?" Jamal yells out. "Any for your girl?"

"Two, and none for Bella." All of a sudden all my questions are answered. Edward brought me to buy drugs. I mean, I knew he smoked pot.

Jamal walks out, and kneels in front of the coffee table. I expect him to place a bag of weed on the table, but no that is not weed.

It's pills. Hundreds. Jamal starts counting them out. I watch in shock. Didn't Edward just ask for two?

By the time Jamal counts and Edward checks, it's two hundred. Edward asked for two hundred.

I know exactly what kind of pills they are. My mom took them. Oxycotin. I know Rose already knows this about Edward. I know she forced Emmett to tell her, so she could be a good friend and warn me, only every time she tried to tell me, I told her it didn't matter.

It was a huge fight, and we haven't spoken since.

"_Bella, please - stop being so stubborn! He is really screwed up." _

"_Rosalie, I don't care!" I shouted at her. _

"_You will though If you'd just -" _

"_Just what?" I know my eyes popped out at her, my eyebrows raised, I never intended for her to answer, "Dated Peter? Start thinking about my future? I don't care about any of it, Rose. I don't care if I have that stupid disease, I don't care if I live to see my face wrinkle and my hair turn grey, I don't care how screwed up you think he is - or he thinks he is! The only thing I want out of life is to be able to look back and find moments of happiness amongst all the heartache and bullshit. I have those moments - with Edward. And I wasn't put on this planet to judge people. And you weren't either, and - God - that is ALL you ever do! Judge and tell everyone what they should or shouldn't be doing! Who the fuck gave you that right?" I spat at her. _

"_I thought I was looking out for my best friend. I thought she might want to know the type of person she was getting so wrapped up in." _

"_You may have bullied Emmett into telling you all about the skeletons in Edward's closet, but they don't change the way he makes me feel. It doesn't make him less of a human being. Whatever it is, it just makes him a little more broken. Mom, use to always make us go to church every Sunday, before she got too sick. I always snuck in my CD player and listened to music or I attempted to write songs instead of paying attention. But there was one sermon that held my attention. Sins don't have a weight. A sin is a sin. God doesn't have levels of sin. If you steal a candy bar...if you lie...if you take the lords name in vain...kill someone...it's all the same thing - a sin. It's people like you that put a weight on those sins. What do they say about casting stones?"_

"_Fine, Bella. Screw Edward Cullen until he screws you over. Don't say I didn't try to stop you, and don't expect me to stand around and watch you get caught in his downward spiral of self destruction." _

She walked out of my apartment, and I haven't seen or heard from her since. I laugh a little, even though it's not exactly a funny situation when the guy you are head over heels for is showing you his drug problem.

As if I'm some impressionable girl that is going to start doing drugs because Edward does. If I want to get high - it won't be because Edward does it.

Edward shoots me a look that says _why__the__hell__are__you__laughing__in__the__middle__of__this__shit?_

"Sorry, I just remembered something funny," I tell them.

Edward leans back and pulls out a thick wad of money. Thirty five hundred dollars. That's how much Jamal counts.

"Mind if I knock out a rail?" Edward asks.

"Hang as long as you want," Jamal offers.

Edward nudges me off his lap, I stand up and watch him crush a little blue pill. He is mid snort when a little girl about six years old runs out from the back bedroom.

"Gem, baby what did Daddy say?" Jamal asks the little girl, who isn't fazed at all by what she see's Edward doing.

Edward finishes, wipes his nose, "Hey cutie, how are you?" Edward asks her.

"Gooood," she smiles, swaying back and forth, her eyes fixed on me.

"This is my friend, Bella. Bella this is Jamal's daughter Gemma." Edward acts like there is nothing wrong with this little girl being here.

"Hi, I like your pretty braids." I tell her, the beads on the ends clanking together as she continues to sway.

"Thanks, my momma did them."

"Gemma - back to bed." Jamal tells her, she doesn't listen. "Excuse me." He picks her up and heads in the back bedroom with her.

"Shit like that could get a gun cocked in my face," Edward whispers to me. "And I don't find those moments very enjoyable."

"I didn't -" I shake my head.

"I know." He sweeps all the pills into an orange bottle, then slips it into his front pocket.

"So...this is your secret? You are addicted to Oxy?"

He leans back on the couch, eyes heavy, and nods at me. He pulls my arm, and me back onto his lap.

"Are you getting ready to run?" he whispers in my ear with a gentle nibble sending shivers down my spine.

"No." I state, turning to look at him.

"Good, cause I'm too heavy to chase you right now."

I smile and relax into him, because he admitted that he would chase me. That he wants me here. Even in his own screwed up way.

My phone rings a few minutes later, "Hello?" I answer.

"BELLA! Oh God!" Alice is frantic.

"Alice, whats wrong?" I ask her.

"Is Edward with you?" She demands.

"Ah, yeah...why is there a problem?"

"YES! He has a show!" Alice screechs at me. Like I don't know. Of course I know, I only see him on the nights he performs. "A show that should have started twenty minutes ago, and his phone goes straight to voicemail! Bella you need to get him here! NOW! This is a chance for him to get on the radio!"

"Okay! Okay!" I hang up the phone, "Shit! Edward!" I nudge him, but he has been nodding off, "EDWARD YOU HAVE A SHOW!" I Yell at him.

His eyes open, "Ah fuck...Jamal, Dude," Edward calls out, trying to stand up.

"Yo," he comes out of the kitchen.

"Guess it's a speed ball night dude," Edward throws down some more money, in exchange for a white bag of cocaine, He quickly snorts some coke, then wipes his nose again.

"Ready babe?" he asks, wiping his nose again.

I nod. I try to tell Jamal it was nice to meet him...but it really wasn't.

This time, we hail a taxi, and make it back to the World Cafe in less than ten minutes.

Alice is pissed. Jasper is pissed. I feel like they are mad at me. I mean they must try to stop him, right?

No. He is surronded by enablers. People who gave up trying to control him long ago. I think Alice feels some sort of need to explain her reasons to me. I mean it's her brother. She loves him.

"I'm here...because I'm afraid if I don't police him the little bit he lets me, he will end up dead. Jaspers here, hating every second of it, for me." Alice tells me, as we stand at the back of the bar, praying that Edward isn't a total mess.

And he isn't.

"He is so good at this...acting sober. He acts sober high better than when he is actually sober. I mean Edward sober...isn't pretty or nice. He is ruthless and short temepered. The drugs became his normal a long time ago."

"What about rehab?" I ask.

Alice laughs, "Been there...at least a dozen times. In patient, out patient, methadone, suboxone, our aunt and uncle put him in the best rehabs money can buy. Edward has to want to get better...and as far as he is concerned, he doesn't have a problem, right? So there isn't much for him to fix. He has his RV, his gigs, his drugs. He doesn't see beyond those things. Even if I walk away, he still won't have a reason to stop, he still has his RV...gigs...drugs."

"When...I mean, when did he start?"

"When he was fifteen. Our aunt Esme's mother was really sick, and Esme moved her in to take care of her. Edward had been drinking and smoking pot, and his friend saw the bottle of pain killers and told Edward that was a real good high. Edward started stealing the pills, then Esme hid them so Edward found them on the street. He took it really hard when our mother died."

"I'm sorry about your mom," I tell Alice.

She turns and smiles at me, "Thanks."

"What- what about your father?" I ask.

"He is in jail...life sentence. We didn't know him very well. Our mother left him when we were babies, and from what I have figured out he was buying drugs, it went bad, and he shot the guy."

"I don't," I start.

"You don't have to." Alice manages to smile at me. "I just I can't let him throw his life away like that. I just keep hoping one day he will snap out of it, but it's more likely that he will overdose again. I mean...it sucks to have to wake up in the middle of the night to make sure he is still breathing." she shakes her head.

"He overdosed before? I remember him saying he died before."

"He did...he was recording his first album. Had this amazing contract with a big label. They said he had to knock off the drugs. He had them fooled until he that night. It was in his contract any drug use would not be tolerated and he was dropped just like that. No one wants to go near him unless they are positive he is clean...and he is content like this. Being his own boss, so he says."

"He isn't though...the drugs are his boss." I whisper.

"Just don't tell him that."

"I had no idea."

"No one does Bella. Look at him up there - how well he hides it."

We watch him play flawlessly. Charm the auidence. Wink at me. I can't help but to smile.

"I know you care about him, Bella...but you should walk away. Because you deserve someone that will miss you when you do."

"Maybe I don't want anyone to miss me Alice." I smile sadly at her.

"I don't want you to get hurt." she explains.

"I won't...we all have our crosses to bare."

I'm not normal. He's not normal.

It reminds me of that movie Untamed Heart; "I don't make sense. He don't make sense. Together we make sense."

If that makes any sense whatsoever...

After a few minutes, Alice turns back to me. "I'm really sorry, Bella."

"Sorry? You didn't do anything," I shake my head at her.

"I shouldn't have encouraged you two. I just thought...I thought he'd finally found a reason."

I don't say anything, only think I'm glad I'm not. If I were, my future could potentially destroy him.

He takes a break, and instead of ignoring me, he pulls me out the back door with him. He holds my hand as he leads me across the concrete to his RV.

Once inside, he locks the door. And repeats what he did a mere hour before. Snorts more shit up his nose.

I want to say something like "You nose is way to cute for that." But I hold my tongue...because I don't want it to lose access to his mouth.

"Have I told you what you do to me when you wear those short ass dresses and those high heels?" he cocks his head to the side, with this sexy smirk. What a charming fucker!

I smile at him coyly. "No," I shake my head. "I don't think you have." I step closer, placing my hands on his chest.

"Well..." he starts, his fingers digging into my hip bones.

"Why don't you show me," I whisper, his mouth inches from mine.

He rubs himself, then traces a finger along my inner thigh. His palm goes flat against my sex with a firm pressure. I step closer.

Three loud bangs. "Edward! Your gig isn't fucking over!" Jasper yells in.

"I'd say screw the gig so I could screw you - but last I checked you don't pay me, and I'm broke."

He backs up, swaying slightly. He lays a sloppy kiss on my mouth and leaves me there, with the parting words, "Don't go anywhere...who am I kidding..." he mumbles with a little chuckle, almost falling out the door. And he is right.

I'm not going anywhere.

**Thanks for being so patient while I try my best to write, work, be a wife, and and mother! I'm not gonna stop - it just might be longer for updates but not because I've given up! See u soon!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for all the patience and sticking around - for those of you that are here. **

**Thanks to pre-readers - Becky and Nic**

**And my Lemon writer - TwilightsoneFan**

**Couldn't do it without you guys!**

**AND this is PART 2 - its skips ahead and is now EPOV  
><strong>

**Hands Part 2;**

**Chapter 1**

EPOV

It's Christmas Eve, I'm 'home' whatever that means. I haven't felt like I had a home in years, but my Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle is as close as it gets for me. Most of the family is here, but aside from Alice and Jasper, they are just people to me.

Esme's sisters are here, with their kids who are all blissfully unaware of how shitty life can get, running around excited about presents. Some presents I'm getting thanked for, and I know I didn't buy shit. Alice must have. Always trying to make me look less pathetic then I actually am. Covering up for my lack of consideration and caring.

Esme's one niece left this barbie doll at my feet that reminds me of her. I suppose Barbie isn't right - its more like a glorified trendy barbie. It's pale...like her. And has streaks of pink through it's brown hair. The eyes are big and brown, and it's dressed in some sexy outfit that I can picture her wearing.

I have to toss it out of my line of sight, because I can't stand to think about her. It's too late, and all I can see is her eyes wide with fear. My name spoken with this fear, shock, and desperation. She wanted me to save her or protect her, but I couldn't. I couldn't even protect or save myself.

The worst part, is I brought her to that place. The palm of my hands press into my eyes, wishing the tears would just stop.

I knew she was different. That I felt connected to her in a way I never felt to anyone. It didn't hit me until I saw her look at me that last night I saw her...that I loved her, always did.

I still can't wrap my head around that night. It was the last time I felt any sort of happiness.

I was in the RV doing my two favorite things, getting high and playing my guitar when I heard a knock on the door.

I groaned, annoyed at having to get up to some unannounced most likely unwanted visitor. I was ready to open the door say fuck off, then slam it in whom ever's face was on the other side, but when I saw her standing there, that hostility just vanished.

I remember smiling at her as she stood on the other side of the screen door looking so adorable, mumbling about how she can go if I want, if I'm busy, stupid to stop by uninvited. Bitting her lip and just being so unsure.

"Stop," I told her, pushing open the screen door. "If it were anybody other than you, I'd tell them to fuck off...but you can stay," I cocked my head inviting her in. I was too blinded by drugs to see the way I saw her.

So fucking beautiful. Good. Innocent. Just perfect. I kissed her cheek.

"What ya up to?" she asked.

"Just messing with some songs, but I wouldn't mind messing with you," I grabbed her arm and pulled her into my chest before kissing her.

I can remember how soft her hair felt. There wasn't one scar on her skin, she was a picture of health and beauty until I took it all from her.

"I really liked the song you played the other night...play it again for me?"

I knew the song she meant. It was one I wrote because of her. I sat back down with my guitar, and began to sing her the song, I never even had to tell her it was hers, she knew.

_Miss my grandpa's old Gibson, and a girl of no importance,_

_A shot of whiskey sitting on the bar._

_Yeah, I used to give a damn; I used to try real hard._

_But I'll give in tonight, chances are._

_One foot on the narrow way, and one foot on the ledge._

_Sifting through the devil's lies, and what the good Book says._

_If I'm going anywhere, I'll probably go too far._

_And probably away from you, chances are._

_Chances are._

_Well, there's a lonely corner waiting; two sets left for playing._

_And I'll tell her everything she wants to hear._

_Well I'm not worth the love that's making, I'm better at the breaking._

_A guy like me knows how to disappear._

_One foot on the narrow way, and one foot on the ledge._

_Sifting through the devil's lies, and what the good Book says._

_If I'm going anywhere, I'll probably go too far._

_And probably away from you, chances are._

_Chances are._

_Hold you like I mean it. Say it 'til you believe it._

_And we'll see if we can fill an empty heart._

_But I won't tell you what the chances are._

"How long have we been doing this, Edward?" she asked, when I finsished.

"A while...does it matter?"

"Kinda."

And that's when she told me, standing up and coming to stand between my legs. "I don't care what this is or what you label me or anyone else, I give a shit about you. I like being with you more than anyone - like ever in my life. I don't stop wanting to be close to you, so just stop pushing me away." She stepped closer, her fist gripping my wife beater, she looked me straight in the eye and whispered, "Stop fighting this." She pulled me up to my feet.

Maybe that's when I accepted the idea of being able to get there one day.

"What happened to 'I need someone to fight this, cause I might be dying Bella shit?" I asked her holding her shoulders while putting some distance between us.

Her entire face lit up like she just won the worlds biggest prize, and she had. "I got the test, Edward. I don't have Huntingtons. I get to live, and you are the reason. I can have a life! I can be normal...and stop being so afraid to love. Edward, I want you, and I don't want to hide from life anymore. I don't want to miss one chance...and right now I want a chance with you."

My walls went up automatically, "I can't give you that." As I said those words, watched her face fall, and really processed what she just told me, that she had a life. She nodded her head and backed away from me slowly. I reached for her, "But I want to...I just don't know if I can. I don't know what normal is Bella. Nothing has been normal for me. It sounds like your talking about one day having 2.5 kids, a nice home in the suburbs, and a white picket fence, and that's not me."

"I'm talking about having the opportunity to have our own version of those things...I picture more like a townhouse in the city filled with music, just the two kids, no dogs. And if theres a picket fence lets paint it red."

"Drug addicts don't have all those things, cause they can't support a habit and a family...if you want those things you, you need to find someone else."

"It's like a puzzle Edward and it's not just that easy. And I fit with you. We fit together. Give into me."

And I did. I stepped closer to her my hand holding her face and staring in her eyes, "I don't want to hurt you, or disappoint you."

"If you don't give into me, I"ll be hurt and disappointed."

I shook my head at her with a smirk because I never knew what it was like when someone other than your sister or family cared about you and gave a shit about you like she did. And she knew how fucked up I was.

That's when I kissed her. That's the first time I ever said to myself I have to stop the drugs.

The kiss started out slow, her lips were warm and soft against my own. I could smell her sweet scent and I needed her closer. I pulled her to me wrapping my arms around her shoulders as the kiss intensified. My hands had a mind of their own however, as they glided downwards and gripped her tight ass, I loved squeezing that ass, feeling it firm in my grip. My want for her boiled over into need as my tongue darted out licking her bottom lip, asking for her to open up to me. She granted me my demand, there wasn't anything she wouldn't ever deny me and in that moment I was truly thankful for that.

Our tongues battled for dominance, rolling and gliding against one another in a perfect dance. She tasted so good; sweet and salty, hot and desirable. Her kiss mesmerized me, I could feel it sending a vibe throughout my entire body. I was tingling in areas where my skin came in contact with hers, it was on fire nerve points sending pulses straight to my groin. My throbbing dick was ragging a war in my now tightening jeans at this point, I needed her like never before. I thrust my hips to hers seeking some needed friction to satisfy the ache. She let out a moan biting my bottom lip as she pressed herself against my hardened bulge.

Her arms wrapped around my neck, her fingers dragging through my long shaggy hair. I loved when she did that. I enjoyed the feel of Bella on and around me. I never realized it before now, how much I actually craved her presence, her touch. I craved it as much as I did the need to feel the high, that feeling just before the buzz hits me, then I can finally let it all go, the feeling of floating and being free, yeah thats how I feel in her presence. I guess I was always too messed up to even consider that thought before tonight, but it's all clear to me now. I need this beautiful creature in front of me, attacking my mouth with her warn wet lips, teeth nipping and sucking my lips and tongue into her own, "ahhh" I moan, it's such sweet torture.

Walking backwards, I guide us to the back room, my one arm struggling to pull the door shut behind me and engaging the lock, upset that I had to let one hand leave her delicious body. I pull away slightly to start undressing her. Her gaze matches my own, desire and need fill her deep brown eyes. Her shirt goes over her head first, quickly followed by her bra. Our arms are a mess, franticly twisting and grabbing, pushing and pulling in haste to rid ourselves of our unwanted clothing. She reaches for my shirt. I stop her hands and take it off for her, waisting no time before I move to her mini skirt, sliding it down her long legs.

Her hands move for my bare chest, my abs, her soft sensual touch is like lightening to my crotch, igniting it into flames. Moving on now I reach for her silky lace panties, quickly removing them, leaving before me this beautiful and vulnerable girl, naked and needy. I want to make this right for her. This time is different than all the others. This time I want to make a promise to her with my actions since I can't actually say the words; a real maybe of hope and togetherness, her and me. A future she can hold onto. I want to give that to her, I need to show her what she means to me.

She helps me with my belt, snap and zipper, together we shove my pants and boxers down my legs freeing my now gorged cock from its confined space. I kick my pants off with my feet. My cock now stands at attention, ready and needy of being inside Bella. She eyes it with a greedy look in her eyes. Her hot pink tongue darts out and swipes at her lips. Oh god, What that does to a guy, I am so turned on by that. I want to feel those lips wrapped around my dick, licking and sucking it into its warmth.

She reaches out to my length grasping it in her tiny hands, stroking it and giving it her undying attention. She pulls me near tugging on it, I'm at her mercy. She guides my cock to her sultry lips, licking the tip, then down the length of the underside by my ball sac. "Holy shit" I pant out because the feeling is just to much. She giggles and kisses the tip, teasing it, in and out just the top. she starts humming a song. Holy Sweet Jesus that's enough to make me blow my load right there and then. She knows what she's doing to me, the power she has over me in this position. I'm at her beck and call ready to do her bidding, bend at her will. Her tiny hands are playing with my ball sac, rolling and caressing them in her grasp as she licks, nibbles and sucks my length in and out of her mouth humming that damn tune.

It's all too much for me. If I don't stop her now we will be over before we started and I want this to be about her, showing her what she means to me. "Stop Bella, please stop Baby" I pant. I gently push her mouth away from me, then bending down to her level. A look of disappointment reflected in her sad eyes. I need to put a stop to that right here and now. "No A Stóirín, it was sooooo good but if you kept that up we would be done. I want you. I want to show you what I can't find the words to say. Understand?" I softly ask of her.

She nods her understanding as I move back into those delicious lips that know how to make a man beg. I kiss her with all the emotion I tried to express to her. Without thinking I am on top of her then, pressing her upon the unmade bed with my own weight pinning her to it. My knees move in between her legs spreading them, opening her up to me as I hold my own weight suspended above her. Her legs raise, I gaze down into those loving eyes, I stroke her hair out of her face with one hand holding myself up with the other.

I need to feel this, to feel myself buried deep inside her sweet warmth. She kisses me with all she has, telling me to proceed. I can't hold out any longer as I grab my shaft and position it at her entrance. She bucks her hips forward guiding me into her core. Together we both cry out in pleasure as she stretches to fit my girth and length until I am fully sheathed deep inside her. I pause to give her a chance to acclimate herself. It doesn't take long before she is moving with me in a dance. Our bodies move in a perfectly rhythm. She feels so good under me.

I move in and out of her. Her moans guiding me in the right direction of her pleasure points. She is so beautiful splayed out beneath me. I watch myself as I move in and out of her core, disappearing into her sweet oasis. She watches me too both of us eying where we are joined. The feeling she generates inside me is pure pleasure. I move in and out thrusting at a comfortable rhythm, no need to rush. I show her in my movements how precious she is to me. This isn't fucking like every other time we were joined, yes the pleasure is just as good but this is MORE.

I can feel her beginning to tighten up around me. I know she is close. I'm holding out for her to feel that release. I move my hand between us, to where we are joined. I stroke and circle her clit. She starts to shake and shutter. "Thats it Baby, let go for me, let me make you feel good, let go Bella, cum for me, I need you to cum baby, I'm so ready." I call out to her. With that she lets go and orgasms; tightening up around me, sending me into my own climax. I release deep inside her warmth and collapse on top of her trying not to smother her with my weight.

I make promises to her. Promises she never asked me to make. She never pushed me, just supported me. She was the first and only person to ever just let me do things on my own terms, my own pace.

She brought me out of that RV and gave me a home with her. She told me she loved me. I told her, "I know." I just didn't know how to say it back.

It was a perfect day...the last time I was with her. We worked on this song together, that had been haunting me since she asked me to give in. We laughed and kissed. I wasn't totally clean, but I was getting there. Taking less and less, trying to avoid withdrawing.

That was the most selfish choice I ever made. It cost way too much.

She was humming the tune, when I stopped her. She mentioned wanting to talk to me about something important, but I figured it could wait until I got back. "Hey I need to make a run..." She looked up at me, she knew what that meant.

"Can I come?" she asked, like she often did. I never denied her, but I never really wanted her to come.

Halfway down to the city, Jamal said he couldn't get home in time to meet me and gave me some address in Strawberry Mansion section of Philadelphia. I wanted to drop Bella off somewhere, I felt like I should just wait...I couldn't though. So, I acted like it was fine.

We knocked on this door to this run down house. That looked like it most have been beautiful before drug and crime over took the area. Now it was just a a three story house over run with carelessness, rats, and neglect. Jamal let us in, and I wanted to get the fuck out of there as fast as possible, telling him Bella had to get somewhere.

All hell broke loose as I shook Jamal's hand. The front door kicked in, I thought it was police. I would have welcomed police over this shit. There was no freeze, no put your hands up - just gunfire. I watched them hit Jamal first, I pushed Bella behind me and I was trying to lead her out of the room. Hoping for a back door to make an escape.

I didn't have a gun. I didn't have anything to protect her. I shouldn't have ever brought her into a place like that.

I heard one yell, "No witnesses!" When I looked at Bella, her eyes were trained on them. I knew in shock, but to them, she was seeing too much. And they never meant for anyone to get out alive.

"Bella! RUN!" I yelled at her, but all I saw was that look on her face.

"I don't want to be shot in the back," she whispered, a black tear running down her cheek.

A million idea's run through my mind about what I could have done to protect her. Dove for Jamal's body to get his gun. Ran towards them in some attempt to over power them. Never have brought her in the first place. Turned around. Dealt with withdraw.

I just hear her voice, begging these monsters to let us go. Trying to do what she thought would work the best, appeal to their human side.

"Please...we don't have anything to do with this...just let us go...this never happened. We were never hear. Please."

They weren't humans. It felt like slow motion, it looked like slow motion, gun shots rang out hitting her, me. Nothing hurt more than watching her small body fly back with the force of the bullets hitting her tiny body.

I acted dead as I felt the pool of warm blood surround my body. I tried not to breath, I didn't want them to keep shooting. I wanted them to believe they left no chance of survivors. One shot in the head was all they had to add to finish us off if they wanted.

They ran, and I used every ounce of energy to get to Bella, "Bella! Baby!" I shook her with all the strength I had. "I'm so sorry. Please, come back to me! Please I need you to live!...I love you."

Her eyes fluttered open, I told her over and over how sorry I was, to hang on, how much I loved her. I could hear sirens in the distance. As soon as the cops knew it was safe, the EMT's were allowed to come in. They came to me first, but I fought against them.

"Help her!" I begged, "Just save her, please."

I watched them start CPR on her and everything began to go in and out. They took us to the nearest trauma hospital, Albert Einstein. Bella wasn't far from me. Only a curtain separated her from me. I remember hearing, "Twenty-four year old female, five gunshot wounds to the abdomen and chest, stated she was twelve weeks pregnant before going into V Fib..."

I started to freak out even more. I couldn't bare the thought of losing her, but now there was a baby...our baby that I we could lose.

A nurse telling me to stay calm, they were doing everything they could for her, but I needed to calm down so they could help me. "If we can't help you, and they save your girlfriend and baby, they won't have you, okay? They need you - healthy. Work with us - for them."

I nodded, not caring that I was crying.

I remember words, phrases, sounds, but nothing clearer when I heard them say they needed to crack her chest. "Saw," was demanded by one doctor, shortly followed by the sound of it turning on. There would be no way our baby would survive all of this, I remember thinking. Letting myself float into the black despair I had waiting for me.

It's been over a year since that day. A year, two months to be exact. I haven't picked up my guitar and I've avoided the radio and music at all costs. I can't stand to be reminded of her. Of what I did to her. The scars she bares, one long scare down the middle of her torso.

We both were very lucky to survive - that's what the doctors told me. I still wonder why I keep getting all these chances.

Bella's father hardly ever left her side, only when Rose came and insisted he leave and take care of himself. At which point he stopped by my room to make it clear he wanted me far away from his daughter.

When she woke up, she asked for me like I was worth anything. I kissed her forehead and sat down in the chair next to her bed.

"I am so so sorry." I told her, bowing my head in shame. Her hand ran through my hair.

"Shhh...it's okay."

"I won't ever hurt you again."

_Well I'm not worth the love that's making, I'm better at the breaking. A guy like me knows how to disappear..._

After that, when I knew she would be okay, I left. I spent most of my time running. Until Alice tracked me down a month ago, begging me to just come home.

I did. The thought of being able to see her...even from a distance was enough. I watched her from across the street of her apartment come and go a few times. I stopped when I watched her come home one night holding some guys hand. She looked happy. Normal.

I wanted to be happy for her. She was given life, then almost robbed of it twice.

"Edward," a soft hand on my shoulder, the familiar voice of my sister. "Come back to the present please...we can't fix the past."

**I know its not cool to ask for reviews - but they really inspire me to keep the flow going! **


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for everyone sticking around for the shocking events - I didn't want to keep it hanging too long - so here is chapter 2 of EPOV **

**SM OWNS and I want to thank my regular supporters even if I am MIA most of the time. **

**On another note, a friend of mine just lost everything in a house fire - she is a big Twilight Fan, she is a well known member on Twilight Mom's and if you go there you can donate to help out a wonderful family, every bit helps. **

Part 2; Chapter 2

EPOV

New Years eve. The thought of starting a new year without her isn't so dreary. She is happy and alive...I couldn't ask for more.

I'm trying to live in the present, in the choice I made to disappear for her benefit. I know she tried to reach me for a few months. I have the last message she sent to my facebook. I have it mesmorized.

Edward,

I don't hate you for what happened. I don't even hate you for your misguided attempt to never hurt me again by disappearing. I don't even think I could hate you if I wanted to.

I'm pissed at you though. You promised not to hurt me again, and you did...you are. I jump at loud sounds. I wake up to nightmares, and I'm alone in it all. You didn't do this to me. I'm pissed that you didn't give me the chance to say anything to you before you vanished.

I love you - and I know how true that is because of how hurt I am by your absence. I've waited five months for you to come to grips with everything, stop blaming yourself, and come home to me. I can't keep waiting. I actually have a life to live and I can't keep letting it pass me by day by day. Moment by moment - no matter how much I know it won't ever be all it could be with you. That I'll never find a person who fits as well as you do, but I can't stay on pause.

If I learned anything, life doesn't let you pause. I wish I could find you, show you how much we could be - everything we can be thankful for.

A guy like you sure does know how to disappear...

Love you always.

A Stóirín (Your little darling)

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like, if I didn't need to go out that night to get drugs.

Bella and I would have cuddled up on the couch, and she'd fidget and chew her lip, stutter a little about needing to tell me something. Then probably in a fast rush, tell me she is twelve weeks pregnant, or three months.

I'd probably be in shock at first, maybe even ask that asshole guy question; "Are you going to have it?"

I've done the math a million times. I'm not dense. It had been four weeks since she showed up at my RV announcing she didn't carry the gene for huntingtons. She got the test because she found out she was pregnant. That would have been the only reason she wouldn't have the baby.

She was either waiting for me to get my act together, or make sure I really was trying to be 'normal' with her to tell me...or was just that scared by my reaction to actually tell me.

I would have been...okay. Eventually. I'm no expert, but I think the baby would have been born sometime in October. Instead of going out to some bar tonight with Alice, Bella and I would probably be chasing a fifteen month old around, waiting for the ball to drop on TV.

I lost so much that night. "Another inch to the left, you'd be dead. The other one, half an inch, you'd be paralyzed. You are very lucky Mr. Cullen." The doctor told me. Why couldn't it just take everything? Go one more inch to the left. I play that in my head everyday.

I wish I could say I was clean, but I'm not. I have chronic pain from the shooting. I take them the right way. As prescribed. I still drink, although it's rare.

I'm surprised I didn't have any charges or got arrested after everything. I guess they couldn't really get me on anything since I didn't have the drugs on me yet.

Jamal didn't make it. His daughter Gemma is in foster care. There was no one in his family they found stable enough or in a position to care for her. I think about her a lot.

I've even talked to Esme and Carlisle about requesting adopting her. They didn't say no, they said they would look into it. For all I know, she is settled in a nice home with good people. I hope she is.

I've been living off odd jobs, just staying in my RV until now. Everyone is in my ear about getting on with my life. Moving forward - being normal. It was one thing when I wanted music to be my life, but since I won't even touch the guitar or listen to the radio, everyone tells me I need to find something to do with my life.

I sit at the far end of the bar, it's darker and more secluded, then order a beer. I put up my walls, it keeps unwanted attempts to 'get to know me' away. I hate how happy everyone seems to be. It just doesn't feel real.

I don't even get what the big deal is. It's just another year. I can hear Bella tell me something like "It's more than just another year, it's another chance. A hope to do things better, get it right."

It's sounds so real, I shake my head and sip my beer. A guitar starts to play, I really don't want to listen to shit. I stand up and begin to make my way outside to get some fresh air, when the strumming falters. I stop to see, and it's her. Bella. Her eyes meet mine and now there is nothing but silence.

I shove a few people out of my way, as I hear her apoligize, and start to play again. I don't look back until I get out front, the cold air hitting me. I'm not sure if I'm hyperventalating from her, or from the cold. Probably both.

I have sharp pains in my side as I'm bent over bracing the palm of my hands on my knees.

A voice I know speaks my name. "Edward," a strong hand on my shoulder.

I stand up straight and turn towards Emmett. "Alice didn't say she'd be here..." I begin.

Heels click in fast sequence, "Who do you think you are?" Rose yells, shoving my shoulder. Emmett pulls her back.

"Rose calm down."

"NO! Bella is doing...Good. Finally! She and Shane are doing so well. He's going to fuck it up for her, like he did before!"

I shake my head. "I don't want to fuck anything up for her! I want her to be happy! I didn't come here because of her - I swear! I had no idea she'd be here."

Rose steps closer to me, her voice is low and threatening. "Bella is doing amazing - without you - and if you think you can just walk back in, after we all helped her clean up the pieces and mess you left behind, I'll kick your ass myself!"

"Just let me find Alice and Jasper - and I'll be gone. Bella can keep doing amazing, and I'll disappear again. It's all I want for her."

"It's too late...she's seen him. She can't deny her desire to be with him, even if she wants to. It's back to square one..." I turn to see who the guy is saying this. It's the one I saw her with, I assume Shane.

He looks...perfect for her. Light brown hair, pushed up in the front - neatly. A light goatee. Green eyes that seem kind. He is my height, but seems to be a healthier weight than I am currently. If I had to guess, I'd say he is one hundred eighty five pounds. A good ten pounds on me.

He is wearing a grey button down shirt, the first few unbuttoned, it's untucked with jeans, and black boots.

"This is Bella's boyfriend...he's a doctor. He did a lot for Bella to help her get to this point, ya know, when you ran." Rosalie announces.

It's not as if I didn't know I have nothing to offer her, but I really can't even come close to what this guy can give her. Normal. That's all I want for her.

"Don't do this now..." his voice begs. "Don't take her from everything I've helped her rebuild. It's like my own family. I promise you I will do anything for her and Sh-"

"Look - I didn't come here tonight for her. I didn't even know she would be here. I just want the best for her...and that's not me. I won't interfere. I don't deserve any part of her. Just love her...and if I find out you hurt her...I'll make you wish you begged me to take her from you, got it?"

He just nods his head in disbelief.

I find my way back into the bar, the sound of her voice filling the room. I stand towards the back entranced by her. She looks stunning. Her hair is shorter, sitting at her shoulders with long bangs to the side. It was also darker, black, making the speckles of green in her brown eyes sparkle.

She is wearing this long sleeved mini dress. The top is sheer, exposing a black bra underneath, simple black heels. Her guitar case is open to her left, and I don't fail to notice my flannel hanging half out.

She begins another song, and as much as I want to keep my promise and leave...I can't.

"I'm really happy to be here tonight with all of you. Something you might not know about me, is for a long time I was to afraid to follow my dreams...I couldn't sing for strangers. Someone changed that. I was living my life like a flightless bird. Well, he gave me wings and the will to learn how to fly. So, This next song is something I hope to keep striving for in the new year. I hope I can keep getting a little bit stronger."

Her eyes meet mine again as she begins the song.

Woke up late today,

And I still feel the sting of the pain,

But I brushed my teeth anyway.

I got dressed through the mess,

And put a smile on my face.

I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work,

And I'm trying to ignore the hurt.

So I turned on the radio,

Stupid song made me think of you.

I listened to it for a minute,

But then I changed it.

I'm getting a little bit stronger,

Just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels

Spinning my wheels,

Letting you drag my heart around.

And I'm done thinking you could ever change,

I know my heart will never be the same.

But I'm telling myself I'll be okay,

Even on my weakest days,

I get a little bit stronger.

It doesn't happen overnight,

But you turn around and a months gone by,

And you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not giving you an hour, or a second, or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels

Spinning my wheels,

Letting you drag my heart around.

And I'm done thinking you could ever change,

I know my heart will never be the same.

But I'm telling myself I'll be okay,

Even on my weakest days,

I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,

Better off without you baby,

How does it feel without me baby?

I'm getting stronger without you baby.

She finished the song strong and full of emotion, "Thank you. I'm going to take a short break and be back with another set to ring in a stronger new year with all you awesome people!"

I couldn't move as I watched her leave the stage and come right to me. I wasn't sure if she would punch me or slap me, possibly shove me. Yell at me, curse me out. Those were all things I was bracing myself for, expecting.

Not the hug she wrapped me in. Holding me so tight. "Where have you been? If I wanted you out of my life - I would have told you!" I could tell she was crying. All this emotion she has been holding back up on stage.

I held her, and brought her to the closest door for some privacy. She didn't need an audience. It was the office. I stroked her hair. Loving to breathe in her scent, feel her.

"Better off without me," I say, looking her in the eye.

"It's just another lie I tell myself to get through the day. I can't turn off the way I'm drawn to you. Always have been." Bella whispers.

"Bella, I promised not to hurt you...I failed miserably. I...I'm not good for you. Whatever you have now is better than I could ever do for you. Your music is amazing...I don't want to mess it up for you."

"Why doesn't what I want mean anything? I want you...still."

"And what about Shane?" I ask, softly.

Her face is a mixture of confusion and hurt. "How long have you known about Shane?"

"A week or so...since I came home for Christmas. I saw you two leaving your apartment."

"Shane...I think it would be the best thing to happen."

"I can't give in to you...not this time."

"You can't or you don't want to?"

"Both."

She nods her head. "I guess that changes things...You said you loved me that night."

I nod, "I do love you." I can't lie to her. As much as I want to. "Which is why I want you and Shane to have a life I can't give you."

"It's not fair to Shane." Bella says, wiping some tears. "I thought you'd at least care enough to do the right thing with Shane."

I find myself a bit confused about her statement. I shake my head. "Why would I care about doing right by Shane?" I ask her.

It takes her no time flat to shove me back as hard as she can. "Fuck you. You are so right..." she says backing away towards the door. "You are worthless. And don't deserve shit from us. Shane does deserve the world..and I'm going to make sure that happens!"

She goes straight for the closed door, takes a deep breath, then pushes it open.

I see her with Shane when I followed after her a few minutes later. Laughing, he would kiss her cheek, keep her hand in his. I wasn't sure if it was possible for her to look any happier.

Maybe it was, maybe after all that - she finally let go of whatever hope she had for us. She could finally appreciate the life she had, even if some pieces didn't match perfectly.

It was those little imperfections that made life interesting.


	10. Chapter 10

**SM owns. **

**Thanks to Kennedy Nicole, Lynn Pepper, and Twilightsonefan for the pre-reading and just motivation to keep going! **

**(For those of u that read UtB - It was just send to the beta - so a week or less)  
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**Hands 10**

"So, I have one last song before we start the countdown to the new year. It's the first song that I wrote. I never explained my inspiration, but it's about a boy I knew would leave me broken, yet I couldn't stop myself from falling so hard, for like..." she shakes her head in some dismissive notion, like it doesn't matter how long we...did...fuck. It's then I realize we were only anything for a matter of weeks. The rest of the time we simply...fucked.

"...and I think I'm finally ready to leave those feelings and this song in the past. It's called Hands."

And if I sit here long enough

Waiting to feel, waiting to feel

If I could only forge some disparity

Oh this wound may be real

This wound may become real

Even when hopelessness leaves me dry

Tell me where would I be? where would I be?

When I'm built up to the top

Oh tell me how come there's always room for misery?

And I only came to watch him play

His hands are my calling

He said baby stay away

He said I work better when I'm fallen

He said I work better when I'm fallen

Oh forget the boundaries that I love, all the lies

Is it wrong to want his pity when he told me to be wise?

I know nothing ever comes, and he will always go

Said he will always go, just like the wind is always blowing

And I watch him play

His hands are my calling

He said baby stay away

He said I work better when I'm fallen

He said I work better when I'm fallen

If only calm could satisfy

Good intentions with the excuse

If he's not the one that could make me cry

Then it's too hard, so what's the use?

It just reminds me of the things

That I want to remember

When you harvest desperation

You can't be told to surrender

By the time the song is over, it's less than a minute to midnight, the DJ who plays between her sets comes up to bring in the new year.

Shane meets her at the bottom of the steps, taking her hand to help her down the three steps. I want to look for Alice and Jasper and beg them to get me the fuck out of this place. I'm not even sure what Alice was thinking bringing me here.

I can't take my eyes off her. Or them. I totally miss the whole three-two-one happy new year bullshit. After all, I have no one to kiss or even hug. I do however have the pleasure of watching Mr. Perfect, otherwise known as Shane get down on one knee and ask the only girl I've ever loved to marry him.

Her hand is covering her mouth, and I feel a surge of hope as she shakes her head no. I can't hear the words between them from the distance I'm at, but most of the people in the bar are focused on them.

Black box open in front of her. I think she says "I can't believe this," through a wide smile, and then tears, the motion of her head goes from left to right in what seems to be more disbelief than her actually saying no. For a second, I realize how much I want her answer to be no. I'm quickly disappointed when her motion changes her head nodding up and down. A ring that I know isn't her style slides on her finger. He stands up, kisses her, lefting her feet off the ground, everyone claps, and when he spins with her - her eyes meet mine.

For a second her smile slides off her face. I can't stand to make her feel like she can't be happy.

I raise my beer to her and take a sip, hoping to hide the feeling of just being punched in the gut - after asking for it.

I find Alice and Jasper, I want to yell at her. Ask her what the fuck she was thinking bringing me here. I still get angry so fast. I know the veins in my neck must be bulging, because Jasper steps forward.

"I'm not even going to bother to find out what you were thinking. I'll get a cab." I finally say through gritted teeth.

"Edward!" Alice calls after me. I don't turn around, I just place my beer on the bar on my way out into the cold.

I can't get the words she sang out of my head though, "When you harvest desperation you can't be told to surrender."

Hands

The next morning Alice knocks on my door, "I know she wants to be with you...I don't understand how things went in that direction last night."

"She doesn't need me dragging her down. I have nothing to offer her."

"You have everything to offer her if you want! All she wanted - ever was you. She couldn't cut the connection if she tried. I heard her sing that song Hands a dozen times."

"Looks like she managed to break it when she agreed to marry the wonderful doctor."

"You talked to her about Shayne though? Tell me you at least worked something out."

"There is nothing to work out! And yeah, I told her I can't give her a good, normal life. He can, so she should let him."

"No wonder she gave up. I've been trying so hard to get you here...to see her. To give you a reason to live. I thought you'd fight for what clearly is meant for you! Not just hand it all over to someone else! Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and no one is going to hand you anything you have to work for it! Fight for it even. You have to start somewhere, and you kinda already did and I don't think you have a choice. Bella, loves you. So much that after you vanished leaving her and Shayne, she was ready to forgive you. Help you fight to make a great life for the three of you, but not only will you not fight for Bella, but not even Shay? As you sit here and ask Carlisle and Esme to help that little girl Gemma, what about your little girl?...Who are you?"

My stomach sinks as Alice stands on her soap box telling me what an ass I've been...except I had no idea.

"Shane isn't the guy she's marrying?" I ask her in a soft tone. I'm in complete disbelief. I wouldn't have thought in a million years the baby would have made it. "Shane is...I have a..." I can't even form the words.

"I'm sorry, I promised Bella she could be the one to tell you. I didn't even tell her I found you or that you were home because of how distant you have been. I thought if you saw her...then she told you...you'd snap out of it. That you'd try."

I sink down to my bed, shaking my head. "I should have listened harder! I never listen! She thought we were talking about our baby, and I thought we were talking about her boyfriend. Allie... I said to her why would I give a fuck about doing what's right for Shane...that's when she stopped and got angry at me. Told me to fuck off."

Alice sits down next to me, "Fix it. Go to her and fix it."

"Hows it even possible after everything she went through?" I'm not really expecting Alice to answer, I'm just in shock. I have a daughter. Bella gave her an Irish name.

"None of the bullets hit there...close. She will have a hard time getting pregnant again, her one ovary was damaged. But she's here by -"

"The grace of God." I finish the sentence for Alice. "What about huntingdons..."

"Bella doesn't have the gene. She can't pass something she doesn't have. Shay is healthy and amazing. Beautiful, Edward. Blue eyes like yours."

"I didn't even think to ask if she was still pregnant..."

"She said you didn't know. That she didn't tell you..."

"I heard them say it in the hospital. You have no idea Alice...I thought I was responsible for killing the baby. Hurting Bella so bad."

Alice takes my hand, and brings me into her room. She opens a drawer and pulls out a picture. It's Bella and our baby. "God she is perfect." I whisper, staring at them.

I flip it over, it reads Shayne Renee Cullen Thanksgiving, 2011. Next Alice pulls out a photo album, "I have a few more to add to it, like that one - more recent. But I wanted you to be able see her grow up in some way. We have a few video's too."

"I don't deserve this Alice."

"Everyone deserves the chance to make the things they fucked up right."

"I think I wasted too many to get anymore."

"I think you get as many as work for, you just don't give up. You keep the best intentions in front of you, and second chances people 'give' you tend to realize how fake they are. You make your own chances, and the people in your life either accept the way you fix it or they don't. When they start telling you how great they are for giving you the chance, it all seems a little shallow. Like they need be better and a good person to still be around for you. If they love you, if you are doing the right things...chances aren't limited. If they are, you are the one numbering them."

I open the book, and see my daughter the day she was born. Alice labeled everything. Her first smiles. Bella attempting to feed her peas. She doesn't like them...I hate them. Crawling. Clapping. "I've left her alone in all of this..."

I close the book handing it back to Alice. "I have to talk to her."

Hands

There's a door in front of me that I desperately want to be invited inside. I almost feel like a vampire. If she says no, I won't ever be able to cross the threshold into her life. She has every reason in the world to do exactly that. I'm finding it hard to find a reason in my favor.

So I just stare at it. I'm aware of all the sounds coming through slightly muted by the wall. I even hear cries of my daughter.

I finally find the courage and knock on the door.

When the door opens, I wish it was Bella holding our baby on the other side, but it's not. It's the guy she said she would marry.

"Uh...I really need to talk to Bella," I tell him. He glances back, then walks outside in the hallway, shutting the door.

"You should just go...being here isn't going to make things better or easier on Bella."

"I think Bella has the right to make that decision." I have no right to ask for this chance, but he has no right to ask me not to take it either.

"Look, why don't you just walk away. I can give them more than you can."

The door behind him opens, "Nathan, who is here?" her words falter as she looks at me. Shayne in her arms. "What are you doing here?" She asks, defensively, shifting the baby to her other hip. She rests her head on Bella's shoulder, her thumb in her mouth, her round cheeks still a little wet from when she was crying.

"I -" begin, but have no idea how to speak when Shayne lefts her head to look in the direction of my voice, her eyes are wide and alert, and they are mine.

"Dada," the words fall for her lips, and Bella hands her to Nathan.

"Take her inside for me, I'll only be a minute."

He takes my daughter and brings her inside. It breaks my heart that she calls him that. "I didn't know about her until today. I thought Shayne was your boyfriend. I want to be in her life. I want to do what is right."

I have no clue what she is going to do, her defensive walls seems to crumble a little. "You didn't know about her when we were talking at the show?"

"I swear."

She nods. "I guess we can talk about how we can make this work. I really don't feel comfortable letting you take her by yourself. I don't know how you live, where you live, if you know anything about toddlers."

"Whatever I need to do to prove myself to you. Anything."

"Then I guess...you should come in and start explaining your plans and situation when it comes to being a father to Shay. I won't let her get attached just to be walked out on one day. I don't care how vulnerable I am to you, I have to protect Shay."

"I get it." I assure her, "Shay is what matters."

She takes a deep breath, "Come on in to meet your daughter," she holds the door open for me letting the air out she had trapped in her lungs.

I have never been more nervous to meet anyone in my entire life.


	11. Chapter 11

**SM Owns. Duh. **

**Love my ladies, Nic, Becky, Twilightsonefan...**

**Love all you awesome people reading my story - and attempt to turn this song I love into a story - and just is really my guilty pleasure.  
><strong>

**Hands 11**

As I walk inside Bella's apartment, I shove my hands in my pocket because I'm not sure what I can do verses what I want to do. Hug my daughter, smell her hair. Hold her close. Kiss what I imagine is the softest skin ever.

Not to mention what I want to do with Bella. Looking between her and Shay makes my insides feel like they are going to explode. Bella has on skinny jeans, her ass looks so good. I smirk a little at that thought and when I look up, the good Doctor is staring at me checking out his fiance's ass.

I suppose we are even, since I'm watching him hold my daughter.

On top of all these feelings - which I can't do anything about right now, I'm stuck with this feeling of relief, coupled with failure and jealousy. Because I feel like I just walked into my home. I feel like I'm exactly where I belong. Except it's not. I failed when I was given the chance to have all of this. And Nathan has the ability to give Bella and Shay, not only everything they need, but also everything they want. Not to mention the fact that Bella is wearing his ring, or that when I move my eyes from his to my daughter, she says those words again., "Dada."

Bella takes Shay from his arms, then turns to me. "She can be shy with people she doesn't know, she actually hasn't even gotten use to Emmett yet...but I've always kept pictures of you around...and it seems like it worked better than expected." She walks closer to me with Shayne, her words now directed to her. "Look who came to see you? You remember who this is from the pictures mommy showed you?"

Her thumb comes out of her mouth, I'm afraid she is going to start crying and I realize I have no idea what to do with a kid - and the thought of ever being a father is something I never even came close to considering. Yet as I look into this beautiful little girl's blue eyes and notice the golden streaks in her brown hair - I am willing to do anything for her. Yes there is such thing as love at first sight.

"Dada," she says again, reaching her hand out to me. I know my face breaks out into a ridiculous smile, I even laugh. I touch her tiny hand. She was never saying it to Nathan, she was saying it to me. I take my eyes from her for a second to acknowledge Bella and what she did, showing Shayne pictures of me and telling her I was her Dad. Bella's eyes look glassy and she acts like she did what any other woman would do after being abandoned and left to be a single mother.

"Hey," I say gently, bringing my eyes back to my baby.

Bella hands her over to me, "That's right Shay. That's Daddy."

Her tiny hand rests on my face, I'm sure the fact that I haven't shaved in days feels rough against her soft skin.

"You are..." I can't even manage to say the words, our eyes are just locked. She giggles revealing a few white teeth.

If it weren't for his aburptness, I wouldn't have noticed Nathan kiss Bella's cheek and whisper in her ear for a moment before making his way toward the door to leave. I watch her face as he walks out, kissing Shay's head quickly before his exit.

I look at Bella, "I didn't mean to cause any problems." I apologize.

She dismisses the situation with a wave of her hand, saying it's fine. "Want to sit down...maybe we can talk about some things?" she asks, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Yeah," I tell her. I look back at Shay, "Wanna go bring me your favorite toy?" I ask her.

She nods and I kiss her cheek. She giggles because I think the hair on my face tickles her, her laugh is just like Bella's. I put her down, kissing her nose before I watch her waddle towards a toy box.

"I'm glad she is so open to you." Bella says as we sit down on the couch. She twirls the ring on her finger, as if it feels like it doesn't belong. "Guess she got that from me too...being so drawn to you." She laughs nervously.

"Thanks...for keeping me in her life with pictures or whatever." I tell her. "I don't deserve that."

"Maybe not...but she does. She deserves to know the truth about her parents. Honesty can never be wrong."

Shay waddles over to me, a little pink guitar in her hands. "Is that your guitar?" I ask her.

She smiles wide and sits down on the floor, attempting to play. It isn't anything but tiny hands going over strings in complete randomness, but she sings too. A few words are recongizable, the rest is babble and humming.

When she is done, Bella and I both clap for her. Tell her how wonderful she sounded.

She walks over to me, "Dada pway?" she asks, handing me the small instrument.

I haven't played...forever. It's a little plastic guitar, no way to tune it really - but all the same very realistic for a toy.

"Baby, not right now." Bella tells her. "Want mama to put on the movers for you?" Shay's eyes get wide with excitement, and Bella picks her up. "Just give me a minute, okay?"

"Of course," I respond, watching her take Shay into the bedroom. I follow behind, watching them.

Bella places her on the bed, propped up with a pile of pillows, her thumb goes right into her mouth while Bella gets this show going on the TV. Shay catches me peeking in at them, she smiles and crawls towards the back of the bed, she picks something off the nightstand, turns on her stomach and slides down the bed to the floor, running over to me. "Shay -" Bella says, just noticing her bravery to get off the high bed all by herself.

I crouch down to her level, making eye contact with Bella briefly softening her to Shay's stunt that could have gotten her hurt. She hands me what I now realize is a picture from the nightstand. "Dada," she points to me in the picture then to me in front of her.

It's a picture of Bella and I...here at the apartment. Alice it took it one night she and Jasper came over for dinner, and to jam a little. I'm looking right at the camera, but Bella is looking at me.

To see someone look at you with that much love, it makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world...until the reality hits you, that you fucked it up and have no idea how or if you will be able to get it back.

"Daddy was very lucky when this picture was taken..." I know she doesn't really understand, I'm saying it more for Bella. I look up at her, "He's very sorry for messing it all up." Bella starts to walk toward us to get Shay. I hug her. "I hope there is still a little luck left, cause I'm gonna do everything I can to make it up to you and your mommy."

"Come on Baby," Bella calls Shay to get settled again.

She pulls away from me, kisses my cheek, "I love you, Shayne." I tell her, letting her go.

Bella settles her back in the bed, "Love you, A Stoiron," Bella whispers kissing her forehead before walking out.

I step back giving her room to walk past me, I'm going to follow after her, but I can't move. I grab her arm and pull her back to me, taking a few steps back with us out of sight from Shay. I spit out a years worth of feelings.

I think it will be some epic speech, but it's not. It's truly very simple after I cut out all the bullshit.

"I'm so sorry. I've been such an ass. I thought you'd be better off without me...I love you. I always loved you -"

She puts her hand up, "Edward, stop," she whispers stepping away. "I can't rush back into things with you. I have no idea if you can be..." she looks away.

"Be what?" I ask her, I know she doesn't want to say it cause it might hurt me. She never once judged me. I can't imagine it's easy for her now. Whatever it is, I probably deserve it. "You have every right to question me, what I'm capable of. I know it's up to me to make my life worth a damn. I don't want to be remembered as the guy who wasted his life away, his talent. I want to be the guy that overcame. You make me better...you make me want to be better. Frankly, I plan to spend the rest of my life to prove it to you."

"How do I know you won't run away again? How do I know you can support us with a stable income? How do I know you won't shit our life away buying drugs? How do I know that I won't get a phone call one night that you are dead or in jail? Then how do I explain any of this to Shay?" She walks closer to me, her eyes close, thick tears escape and fall down her cheeks.

I use my thumbs to brush them away, "If it were just me..." she continues. "I'd take all those risks to feel you again, because no one has ever made me feel more alive than you. You gave me life... but I can't be that girl. I can deal with my broken heart...I can't deal with hers." She opens her eyes, filled with more tears.

"I promise I will never leave her. I will work my ass off to give her everything. I won't leave you, unless you tell me to. I'm not perfect, and I can't promise to never make a mistake. But every choice I make from this day forward, that little girl is going to play a role in the path I take. I promise you both my best, everyday."

Her lips are so close to mine. I know my breathing is unsteady and my hand is shaky as I place it on her cheek. Her hand covers mine.

"I love your hands," she whispers, and I tilt my head lower until the space between her lips and mine isn't even measurable.

Just as I lick my lips, about to kiss her, she turns her face, keeping my hand covered by hers, and she kisses the palm of it.

"I need to see it, Edward...the words aren't good enough for Shayne." She lets go of my hand and walks back to the couch sinking into the cushions, like denying me took all of her energy.

I can't do this to her. She is under enough pressure being a single mom. Having me come back. Having this pressure from Doctor ass hat. "Fuck," I whisper going to the couch with her. "I'm sorry...I don't want to add any more stress or pressure to your life. I won't push you...I'll just show you and hope I can do it before you marry some other guy."

She looks at the ring on her finger. "He's a really great guy." She looks over at me.

"I wouldn't think you'd be with a really awful guy..." I stop because talk about throwing myself under the bus.

"You aren't awful...you just got lost."

"And took the only girl I ever gave a shit about along for the ride. I'm -"

"Don't say sorry...I know you are." Bella interrupts me. "Plus, I take responsibility for where I ended up. If I remember right, you would always try to talk me out of coming with you. I just couldn't stand to be away from you." She shakes her head, I know she's about to let me see this vulnerable piece of her, and move closer to her. "I hated when I wasn't with you. I hated seeing and hearing stories about you and other girls when you were on the road. So, when you were here...and you were mine, I didn't want to miss one smile or kiss. I mean the sex was...amazing...but I really cherished the little moments the most. The kisses on my forehead, holding my hand, that smile you'd give me up on stage in the middle of a song. It was like a drug to me. I didn't have any problem understanding the need you had for your pills, cause I feel it for you."

I take a deep breath to open up to her. "After the first time we slept together...I was so freaked out. I never in my life felt so connected and just perfectly matched with anyone in my whole life. I...uh...I tried to mess around with a few girls. I think you saw me with one..." I look at her.

She looks hurt by the memory, but nods that she does indeed remember.

"I couldn't...fuck...I never thought I'd speak this to anyone, but you're being so honest with me..." I take another deep breath because this shit is something I have trouble thinking about, let alone speaking aloud to another person. "I couldn't get hard. I couldn't fuck anyone else...after trying two or three times, seeing you was all it took to get ya know...things working again. I kinda blamed it on the drugs, but once I saw you I knew it was you. I knew I was screwed...and I knew I had to change if I ever wanted a serious chance with you. I just had no fucking clue where to start."

"So...you just let me come as close as I dared..." Bella asks, but it's more of a revelation.

It's silent for a little while before she moves on from all this shit form the past that really doesn't matter. It's what I'm going to do from here on out that is going to determine what kind of life I get.

Do I get it all? Or do I get weekends and every other holiday? Or do I continue to royally fuck up and get nothing...


	12. Chapter 12

This isn't Beta'd Bear with me

I'm trying my best to get UtB and Hands updated when I can.

I recently moved, have had a lot of $$ issues, and stress at work. It's hard to focus on characters emotions when mine are all out of whack, but I will finish both of these stories. Stick with me. Promise it will be worth it!

Hands 12

"Mama!" Shay calls coming out from the room.

"Imagination Movers over?" Bella asks her.

Shayne nods yes, not taking her thumb out of her mouth. She looks so sleepy, her other fist rubbing her eye.

"I think you are ready for bed," Bella notes. Shay shakes her head no.

Bella turns to me, "I have the hardest time getting her down for bed every night, but if she doesn't get to bed by eight...she's so miserable."

I turn to Bella quietly, "Can I try?" I ask her.

"Sure...you can see how far you get...won't hurt. She will need a new diaper on...I was going to start cleaning up dinner...think you can figure it out, daddy?" Bella dares me.

"Won't hurt to try." I smile at her, before turning to Shay. It feels so weird to refer to myself as Daddy, but I do because that's how she knows me. "Hey Shay, show Daddy where you sleep?"

It's only a one bedroom, and her crib is in Bella's room. Attached to the back of it is a small changing table with some drawers beneath it. The top one has diapers, wipes, cream. I pull down the pink pants she is wearing, then stare at how the shirt buttons around her bottom. I just take in the foreign concept and begin to unbutton the buttons, proceed to remove the diaper and toss it in the trash close by.

"This isn't so hard," I smile at her, causing her to smile back. I hesitate because it seems weird, then realize she has no idea she is naked. I wipe, and apply some cream, I open a fresh diaper and examine it. I'm not sure which way goes under her...I get it wrong the first time, then switch it around, I find the sticky tabs on either side and secure it on. "Not too tight, right Shay?" I lift her up, and I guess it's way too loose cause it falls down. "Or not tight enough," I laugh laying her gently back down. I secure it tighter, then try to figure out all these buttons on this shirt.

She's kicking and not making it very easy on me, I'd get frustrated if she wasn't so damn cute, but I manage to get the pants on her chunky legs that don't stop kicking. "Ha, I beat you," I smile at her, blowing a raspberry on the side of her neck. I pick her up and bring her towards the crib.

"So this is your bed, looks really comfy," I tell her. "Maybe in a few months I can help you and your momma get a new place...with a bedroom all to yourself." I poke her stomach. "We could put pink guitars up on your walls if you wanted, ya know whatever you like."

I lay her down in the crib, and she starts to cry, "Oh no, baby don't cry, shhh," I try and calm her. It breaks my heart to see her crying. I look around the room and notice the rocking chair, "Okay...okay," I say picking her up.

I bring her to the rocking chair, where I notice my flannel, "Bwankie," Shay points at my flannel.

"This is your blankie?" I ask her, handing it to her.

She brings it to her face, holding it close to her, her thumb in her mouth, I rock her and I don't know any lullabies, but I manage to come up with something to sing to her. It's the first time I sang since before the shooting.

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,

And each road leads you where you want to go,

And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,

All the ones who love you, in the place you left,

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,

And you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

And you always give more than you take.

By the time I'm done, she is sound asleep, and I lay her softly in her crib, leaving a gentle kiss to her forehead. My flannel gripped in her fist - I don't think I could even get it out of her grasp, not that I want to.

When I head out, Bella is watching from the doorway. "I thought I would come save you...but it seems you did better than I do...I have never gotten her asleep that fast."

"Beginners luck," I shrug, and without thinking I place a kiss on her cheek walking past her.

I think for a moment that I should apologize, but I won't. I'm not sorry for doing something that came naturally to me. I look back at her and smirk. The shock on her face is priceless as her hand covers the place my lips have been yearning to feel for what seems like a lifetime.

Bella and I sit down and talk for hours. She tells me what she's been doing, how Nathan was her doctor in the hospital and oversaw her pregnancy from that point forward. She says they haven't been a couple very long, but his friendship and support made it easy for things to progress once it went further makes it feel like she's been with him the whole time.

Even the times she spent crying over me. Even the times he tried to help her track me down. The times he just slept on her couch so she felt safe, and woke her up from nightmares. I apologize a hundred times, but I know its not enough. She tells me how Nathan offered to help her get a bigger place, but she didn't want to feel like a charity case.

Thats when she put aside all her aversion and memories of her mother to go play gigs. Because she could make enough money to save and get a bigger place herself, while giving her the time to go back to school.

"You? Back in school?" I question her, because her spirit is just too free for all that structure and I can't picture it all. "That's not what you are meant to do. Don't settle."

"It's just not me, Edward. I have Shay to take care of. I can't do that on twelve bucks an hour."

"What are you going to school for?" I ask, even though I want to tell her to focus on her music. I don't have that right, I never really did.

"I'm in an accelerated PA program. Nathan helped me study and everything. It's a lot of work, but he's always ready to help, even if it's with Shay. I like it too, I figured with my mom and all...it just makes sense."

"It sounds like something you would be great at...IF you loved it half as much as music."

She shakes her head and shoves my shoulder, "Stop." She warns pointing a teasing finger at me.

"He sounds really great," I tell her. It's hard, but I'm not blowing smoke up her ass.

"Yeah..." she agree's but I can tell it's only half hearted. That there is something inside her telling her everything is great on the surface, but deeper something will always be missing.

"I want a chance to fix this...fix us." I whisper, my hand reaches out to teach her face. I stop though when she away.

She looks up at me through her eyelashes. "I don't know if that is going to be the best..." her voice falls into a whisper towards the end.

"When you saw me at the bar you didn't have that uncertainty, you knew you wanted us to work, but then miscommunication sent you the other way. Well, that's cleared up now...what happened?"

"If it doesn't work...I lose you and Nathan. I guess...while my heart wants you...my head tells me him. And following my heart resulted in the most painful, terrifying moment of my life...it also gave me this amazing miracle. Guess you just take the good with the bad to an extent. I don't know if I'd survive that again."

I know she means the heartache of me leaving, not the night we almost died.

"I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned. I just felt so guilty, I thought for sure you lost Shay. I felt like I failed at the most important thing - protecting you. My family. I thought you would be better off without me. Safer."

"Edward, you didn't fail that night. I wasn't going to run away, I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you. Of not knowing if you'd be brought out in a body bag."

"I didn't know what to do until it was over. All I wanted was to protect you and my mind just couldn't form any sort of plan, and getting those words out for you to run was hard. Then you just stood there. Like this brave girl ready to face whatever life had planned for her. Even if it was being murdered in some senseless act." It's so hard talk about it. I know we need to though.

"My mind was so clear Edward. At that point, I had spent eight years thinking about my mortality and possible death. I knew if I was going down that way, it was going to be on my terms. I wasn't going to be afraid of death anymore. I wasn't going to turn and run so they could shot me in the back. That scared me almost as much as losing you. Turning around and feeling this mixture of fear and hope that I might get away or never see you again then just falling to the ground after a shot in the back. I made a choice that if they were going to try and kill me, they were going to be haunted by my face. I was going to make it as personal for them as I could if I had that chance. "

"You aren't scared of anything. I love that about you." I reach over and place my hand over her knee. She laughs a little cynically.

"Oh...I'm scared of plenty. I'm scared of marrying some guy just because it's more practicle and never feeling the things you made me feel ever again. I'm scared of fucking up that little girl. I'm scared of being here with you right now...of never seeing you again...of failing. Of breaking your heart, Nathan's. Trust me Edward, I'm scared shitless of what tomorrow holds for me. I thought I was scared of huntington's...of dying. Well, I'm not...and this living life thing - well it's scary."

"Nothing that I won't be there to help you with...regardless if you give me another chance or marry Nathan. I want you and Shay to be happy, that's my reason. We are connected forever through her, and I'll do whatever you or her need to make it through tomorrow, and the next day, year, twenty years."

She closes her eyes and shakes her head with a small smile. "I'd love to make you my everything again. But there is this scale with pro's and con's to you, to Nathan...how it will effect Shay. And I'll never love him the way I love you. But he's never walked away when all the scary shit got out of control."

I can't even begin to process how bad I failed her. Not that night. The aftermath of that night. How me leaving failed her more than my inability to be some superhero that night. I'm no Peter Parker or Kent Clark. She was never expecting me to be, but she did expect me to face each day after that with her. Like a man.

"Bella, I will never walk away from you or Shay again. I know the exact moment I failed you. It wasn't that night, it was when I walked away. I never pictured myself as a father. I never really thought about kids or fussed over them. Ally would stop and gush, and I'd wonder 'what the fuck is she doing?' A few fans asked me take pictures with their babies and I'd feel so relieved to hand them back. One look at Shay...I couldn't fathom not having her at. It was like, what did I do without her? She belongs here, I can't imagine tomorrow without her. I want her close to me. Ideally, with her amazingly strong, kind hearted, and beautiful mother everyday for the rest of my life."

She looks like she's on the verge of giving into me. The look in her eyes I've seen a million times of want, desire, and need. The stare is intense between us, and I place my hand on her hip with gentle pressure coaxing her closer to me.

My forehead rests against hers. My fingers massage her hip bones. I kiss below her ear where I know she loves it so much. "I never played an instrument better than I play your body." I whisper when she shutters from the feel of my lips on her skin.

"This is wrong. Nathan..." she places her palm on my chest and pushes me away. "I won't be some cheater. I can't hurt him like that after all he has done for me. I thought I'd never see you again."

"That's bull - otherwise you wouldn't have made sure she knew me." I call her out.

"I had hope...which is why I made sure she knew you. But I truly thought Alice would come knocking on my door to tell me about funeral arrangements for you. We all thought you were just going to medicate all your guilt and pain for what happened until your body gave up and you did die."

"I fought those demons every day I was gone. I feel pretty confident I have the upper hand. I felt like I was screaming behind this glass wall while everyone just waved at me."

Bella nods. I guess she wants to stop talking about the past and start talking about how I'm going to be a father.

"What do you think you will do? Go back to playing?" she asks me.

"It's complicated." Is all I can answer. "It's the only thing I can do...and it's also the worst."

She nods in understanding. "How have you been paying for things since you left if you weren't playing?"

"I had been doing odd jobs, saving a lot of money. I brought it for you...Shay. It's all I have." I stand up to take out the money. It's a thick roll. Bella eyes me, like why isn't that in a bank account like a normal person?

I think she answers her own question. I'm not a normal person.

"I can't take all of your money. You need to support yourself too."

"I have my aunt and uncle, they won't let me starve or live on the streets as long as I'm staying out of trouble. Please just take it. It's almost five thousand dollars. It's amazing how much money you can save when you aren't buying drugs." I hold it out to her, she hesitates, but takes it.

I'm surprised she doesn't argue more.

I suppose cause it's for Shay, she stares at the money, I think possibly processing that this is what she knows our daughter deserves.

The thought crosses my mind that she may think I am trying to buy my way back into her life, or possibly money equals a father.

"I mean, its not like I'm going to hand over this money so I can walk away with less guilt. Or think it will sway you to give into me," she cracks a smile at that reminder of our past. The few moments of my time with her that there were no games and I was really trying. "I want to be a father for Shay, and everything for you, because you are everything to me. And I know being those things isn't just about money."

She stands up, gripping my shirt. She pulls me close then pushes me back. I don't let her though, I step closer. I know she is trying to say something. "Say it." I urge her.

"I know this money isn't some bribe or whatever. I've seen the way you've been looking at her tonight. I've been listening to you and say all the things I've been dreaming you'd come back and say. I know you aren't going to walk away from her. Thank you."

I want to kiss her so bad. Even if it ended in a slap across my face it be worth it. I place my hand over hers gripping my shirt and pull her close.

"Or you," I remind her in a whisper, she licks her lips and I need to taste her. "Tell me to stop," I whisper slowly descending my lips to hers.

"I don't think I can..."

I close my eyes, let out an unsteady breath, and get ready to play her like she deserves to be played.


	13. Chapter 13

**SM Owns, I'm just trying to get this posted and so it's just me on this one. So if you have a pet peeve with errors, this isn't for you. **

**But thanks to everyone - for everything the understanding, the support, encouragement...xoxo**

**HANDS Chapter 13**

I can't seem to get out of bed. I've thrown the covers off, I've pushed my palms against the mattress then thought for what seems the millionth time "I let the chance slip by." Then just give up and lay my head back on the pillow ignoring how cold my body feels just having my boxers on.

I never wanted anyone more than I wanted Bella in that moment last night. I easily could be waking up in her bed, instead of alone at my family's house full of regret. My hand was on her soft face, when she brought her lower lip between her teeth, I used my thumb to pull it down.

She whispered how she didn't know what to do then placed her left hand on chest. When I looked down, and saw that ring on her finger as much as she felt like mine, that ring said she was his.

"I better go." I managed to spit out. It took me a few seconds to move away.

"You -" Bella began, she looked so rejected. "If you have to go."

"I should." I felt like if I didn't get out of there, I'd crumble and give in. I didn't want her while she had any type of attachment to another man. I didn't want the words from her mouth before I kissed her to be "I don't know."

I kissed her forehead, savoring everything about her. "I'll call you sometime tomorrow, talk about Shay...when I can see her."

Bella just nodded, crossing her arms in what seemed like some defense to close herself off from me.

When Alice couldn't wait any longer to find out how everything was, she invited herself into my room, annoyed at how closed off I was being.

"Eww," she notes my half naked state grabbing a pair of jeans out of my open suitcase. "Put those on."

Her intrusive behavior wills me out of bed as I pull up the jeans and button them. As I'm pulling a t-shirt over my head, she's drawing out the word "Sooooo..."

"Shay is perfect," I smile thinking of her, wishing I could walk into the next room and find her playing or laughing.

"What's going to happen?" she asks, clearly optimistic for some fairy tale ending with Bella, Shay and I living happily ever after.

"I have a lot to prove. I have to get my shit together, act like a trustworthy responsible adult Bella would feel safe leaving her daughters life with. And, I've got to do it fast. I already lost too much time."

My sister's face falls, "She still wants to marry Nathan?"

I shrug, and tell her how I walked away. Blowing my chance.

"I'm proud of you. You didn't blow your chance, you just saw the value in waiting for a better one."

I can't help but roll my eyes at Alice. I know I left Bella feeling rejected by me again last night, and I don't think she is going to forget that.

HANDS

I stare at the computer screen looking at job after job that I don't want nor do I qualify for. I need to start somewhere and a job seems like the most logical place. The only thing I know is music.

Esme suggested I talk to Emmett about giving me a job. I'm not into asking for favors. Plus, I don't even know what Emmett does. He wears a suit and goes to an office and yes, he has staff under him.

Weeks go by, I've applied for job after job, probably over a hundred. I've been called by ten for an interview. And not one has offered me the job. I meet Bella and Shay every weekend either at her place, or the park.

Nathan is never around when I am, Bella doesn't talk about him. His ring is still on her finger, so I never bring up wanting to be with her. I plan on asking her today about possibly taking Shay one weekend, just to see how it goes. Then talking about some sort of schedule.

Then she asks if I've found a job. "No." I answer keeping my eyes on Shayne as she plays in the sandbox nearby.

Then I start thinking about things Bella could say or ask about me having to care for Shay. How would you pay for food with no job? Where would she sleep? Then point out how I don't even have my own place.

I don't ask. It's hard to believe how much my heart swells when I see Shay and Bella on those days, and how much it breaks every time I walk away. I hug them both, I kiss Bella's cheek and thank her.

Shay reaches up for me, I pick her up, tell her I love her and that I'll see her soon kissing her, and squeezing her sides cause I live for her smile and the sound of her laughter.

It's at that point that I swallow my pride and finally call Emmett.

He invites me into his office in downtown Philadelphia to talk. I shave, comb my hair back and use gel, then put on the only suit I own.

Emmett meets me in the lobby, "You clean up good!" he chuckles leading me to the elevator and into the marketing and advertising division for the Philadelphia Flyers. He offers me a seat in his office then shuts the door.

He starts telling me about the company, what his staff does as a whole.

"College degree is a standard here, but you're family and more importantly, you have a way with words and are passionate about music. You spent years making yourself marketable across the country. So, if you are serious and want a chance, I'll go out on a limb for you."

"Are you serious? Just like that?" I ask him, wondering what the catch is.

"Yeah. I am. I had a spot open up a week ago, I hate going through resume's and interviewing. Be here Monday through Friday nine to five, do your best, don't make me look bad and we are good to go. Work with Kate putting together the music for home games, setting up performers for the national anthem...it's a good fit for you if you really want it."

"I do."

"I know." Emmett smiles. He starts telling me about health insurance options, salary, reteirment accounts, perks, and it's all so surreal. It's nothing I thought I would find myself presented with, ever. Let alone consider.

"So, my job is mostly music?"

Emmett nods.

"Making fifty five thousand a year?" I clarify .

He nods again.

"And because I love Shay more than you, we can get the medical benefits effective day of hire, instead of the standard ninety days."

I furrow my eyebrows, "Shay isn't covered?"

Another example of my need to grow up, I had no idea my daughter had no health insurance.

"Nathan has been taking care of whatever she needs." Emmett informs me. I guess the confusion on my face is why Emmett tells me more about what Nathan does for my daughter.

"But now you can." Emmett says the same time I say,

"I can."

"Feels good, to say that." I state, I feel so relieved.

"Can you start tomorrow?" Emmett asks.

"The sooner the better."

"Great! Let me show you around, introduce you to some people, Kate will be excited to have the help. She's been getting overwhelmed trying to do it all herself."

I follow Emmett out of his office, he introduces me to some people along the way as I follow him into an office with the label "Creative Musical Directors" Underneath it has the name Kate Denali and Emmett says, "I'll have your name up within a week."

The office is big, with two desks, and some music mixing equipment. "Excuse me, Kate, but I think you will be happy to met your new partner Edward Cullen."

I can't see her face as she is facing the other way at the mixer, but at Emmett's words she spins around in her chair, she doesn't get up even when I offer her a handshake telling her it's nice to meet her and I'm looking forward to working with her. She leans back in the leather seat, legs crossed and arms smugly across her chest as she sizes me up with her eyes, looking me up and down.

"I can work with that everyday," she flirts. I can tell this girl is not subtle. I'd be flattered and flirt back, because she is a knock out blonde. She has on a short black dress that is low cut. She attempts to make it a more conservative with a white blazer, but the one button over her chest looks like it might pop. Not to mention the white platform heels that give her an extra five inches. I don't because my heart already belongs to Bella. "Where did you work before?" she asks, standing up.

"Myself. I spent the past four years on the road performing."

"What like a cover band?" I can hear that she thinks I'm a joke, and she might be right. Although I'm going to try damn hard to prove her wrong.

"No, my own music. Me and my guitar, sometimes piano."

"Gave it up because you weren't going anywhere? I mean I never heard of you."

"Actually, Edward was signed with a big label, life just got in the way. And lucky for us cause we need someone who knows music, and he needs a change of pace." Emmett steps in.

"Change of pace, huh?" Kate questions.

"I'd like to be home more and have a more stable home for my daughter."

"Oh shit! You got one of your band aids knocked up!" She exclaims.

I'm a little taken aback by her assumption about Bella...even though it's not far off. Even if I do realize now how much more she is now.

"Why would you assume that?" I ask her.

"No wedding ring...sudden change of pace...I assume you want more, but she's hesitant due to your lifestyle. Otherwise, you'd go on with your lifestyle send her check and see your daughter when you were around. Am I close?"

When I don't answer, she doesn't need me to verbally confirm.

"I'm very observant." She adds.

"And blunt." I deadpan. She laughs and finally shakes my hand.

"I'm glad to see you two getting...along," Emmett says looking between us, "In a odd way. Kate would you mind showing Edward around in here a little today, tell him more about what it is you do. He starts tomorrow."

"Sure thing, boss."

HANDS

When I leave about an hour later, not knowing much more about the job other than how easy going Kate is. We spent most of the time laughing. I can't stop thinking about Bella, and hope she will be proud of me.

I go straight to her apartment. When she opens the door, I can hardley contain myself. "I did My Stoiron! I have a job, and not just any job - a really good job!"

Her eyes get big with that look of pride I've been dying to see from her. It just means more knowing she's proud of me.

We hug, and I lift her feet off the ground and spin around. The sound of a man clearing his throat alerts me to the fact that Nathan is here.

I put her down, and she steps back. "Hey Nathan, how are you?" I ask, as he protectively steps forward putting his arm around Bella's shoulder.

"You too man, so whats the job?" he asks.

I tell them about the job, then ask Bella about Shay's information to add her to my health insurance. I don't mention the salary, because I know compared to what Nathan makes it still isn't much.

"You don't have to do that. I take care of Shay and whatever she needs, and once Bella and I are married I'll add them both to my plan."

"Don't get me wrong, I am really thankful you did that for my daughter, but she is my daughter and I'm going to take care of her from now on, I mean unless Bella feels it's better to keep doing whatever you have been doing. But I don't know I just think insurance might be important, sooner rather than later, in case anything serious happens, God forbid. I think it was a good temporary solution, but now that there is a better more stable option available for Shay, it's what is best for her, right?" I finish, raising an eyebrow at Bella. It's not that I want her to pick my side over Nathan's. I just want her to show her support in me being a father to Shay.

"Edward's right, Nathan. Let me go get her information." Bella says, putting a hand on his shoulder as if to calm him.

I smile smugly at Nathan once Bella walks away. She hands me an envelope with copies of her birth certificate, social security card, and a few other important documents.

"Thanks." I tell her, "Is Shay napping? I'd really like to see her."

"Oh, Charlie just picked her up, he is babysitting tonight." She sounds like she didn't want to tell me that. Because it hurts. The fact that she is going out for a date with Nathan, yeah that hurts, but the fact that she didn't ask me, Shay's father, to babysit first. That hurts more.

"You can always ask me, I'd love to spend the time with her." I offer.

"That be a great option if Bella could trust you alone with her." Nathan doesn't let the chance to remind me what a screw up I have been. I just shake my head and smile a little at the fact that he wouldn't berate me if he didn't feel threatened by me.

"NATHAN!" Bella scolds him, but I know she's upset more at the fact that it's the truth, and she isn't trying to hurt me.

I nod, "It's okay. I'm working on changing that. I just thought after a month you would know I would never put her in any danger and that I would do anything to protect her."

I see Bella's features soften, like she knew that but Nathan puts doubts about me in her mind. "Next time?" She offers.

"Anytime," I tell her, noticing how beautiful she looks. She is wearing a short grey dress, she has the long slender legs to pull off short all day everyday, and fuck if I don't want them wrapped around my waist. The material in between her tits is shear, exposing the tiniest bit of the sides of each breast. She has on grey peep toe heels with pink bows, and she straightened her hair.

"We have that function to get to for the hospital. We need to get going. Are you going to wear something under the dress, to cover up a little more? My fellow doctors are a bit more conservative than the people in the bars."

Bella nods, "I can just change the dress, I mean something underneath won't work. It's cut this way for a reason. Is it the dress or the scar?" She asks him, referring to the scar down the middle of her chest from when they cracked it open.

I don't give him a chance to answer her, not that I think he will his mouth is open, but no words are coming out.

"I think you look stunning, but I always do. I'd suggest changing it to avoid other men checking out my girl - but then again, I'd like them to all see how lucky I was."

Bella's cheeks flush, she turns to Nathan. "I like this dress. This is me...do you want me to pretend to be someone I'm not?" I'm glad to see Bella get a backbone.

"Well, you two have a great time, I didn't mean to intrude. I guess if it's okay I can call you when I get home from work to talk about how much money I can give you every month and possibly taking Shay on weekends or whatever." I begin to walk backwards toward the door as I say all this.

"Let me walk you out," Bella offers. As we get to the door, she looks back at Nathan and asks him to give her a minute before following me outside, shutting the door behind her.

We walk to the car I borrowed from my uncle Carlisle parked on the street, I lean against it waiting for her to speak. That just reminds me of one more thing I need to get. A car.

"Your job sounds great, I just thought you would keep working on your music."

"Just like you going to school sounds great, but I think you should keep working on _your _music."

We both smile.

"You are very hard for me to read," Bella admits. "You have this mask and you wear it so well, I can never tell if it's on or not."

"Are you asking me if I'm playing a part right now with everything?"

"Not with everything." Bella moves to my side, leaning against the car next tp me. Her head is right above my shoulder from the few extra inches she gains from the heels.

"Then with what?"

She contemplates for a moment staring ahead, then looks over at me. "With me." It's sounds like a relief to finally say, yet hesitant. Like a child who let go of their ballon. They know it will float away and they can't get it back once they release it, but they really want to see it float into the clouds.

"I am just trying to do the right thing." Its all I can offer, it's the truth.

"One second your telling me you want me, then your about to kiss me, the next your running out the door...weeks go by and you don't seem interested in me at all, then your standing in my apartment saying I look stunning. I just don't know what to do, because I have no idea what you want."

"I want you to be sure about every choice you make. I don't want you to break off your engagement..." She looks at me wide eyed, and I laugh lightly, continuing to speak, "_unless_ it's because you know for sure it's not the right thing for you. I'm trying to be patient and let life play out how it's going to, and try not to control things or manipulate anything, so whatever happens, in the end I know, you know, it turned out the way it was meant to."

"I have been settling for Nathan...since the first time I kissed him, to the night I agreed to marry him, to still being with him...because I either thought I was never going to see you again, or because you simply didn't want me...I can't read you. I can't figure out if what I should do."

"You should never settle. And you shouldn't base your choices on anyone else's intentions. But - I can't push you or pull you. And right now, I don't have an available woman to go after." I raise my eyebrows at here, telling her with my body langue that I can't make myself any clearer.

"So...If I want you, I'd make myself available for you. Or if I really wanted a life with Nathan, I'd continue on with how things are. But it has to be what I want, despite what you want."

"What I want - is the best for you and Shay. You just have to figure out where that puts you."

She nods, bitting her bottom lip. "How many times is my world going to be turned upside down before I get it right?" she asks, but I don't think she is asking me directly, just in general.

"I think until you go out on a limb. Take a chance. What do they say? No risk, no reward? You've always been so afraid to take risks. Think about the risks you have taken...and how they paid off. Playing a show - you are amazing up there."

"You..." she adds. "You were the first risk I took."

"Ah...I wouldn't say that exactly worked out." I tell her thinking about almost killing us both.

"Are you kidding? I got the best reward in the world by being with you. Shayne."

There is no arguing with that.

"Like I said, I can't promise you perfection - just my best. RIght now, you are not in a position where I can offer you anything more than support in raising our daughter."

"Since when did you give a crap about cheaters?"

"Since I fell for this amazing woman, and I don't want to put her in a position to feel guilt or shame or be labeled a cheater. I'd rather be unhappy then be the cause of any negative affect on your life."

She glances up at the window of her apartment. I notice Nathan walk away from the window.

"Look I better go. Listen,I host this open mic thing tomorrow night at JD's, it be really cool if you stopped out to say hello."

She pushes off the car taking a few steps away from me before turning around. "I really am proud of you."

"It means a lot to me to hear you say that."

We both walk forward, towards each other, and we hug each other tightly.

"Congratulations, again." she whispers before kissing my cheek.

She turns to go back inside to get ready to go, "Don't change!" I call to her, about her dress.

"Come tomorrow!" She calls back before opening the door, to do what exactly? I don't know.

I can only hope tell Nathan it's over.

**Reviews really make my day and give me motivation to keep writing more. SOOO Please help a sister out and fill my inbox full of thoughts and feelings and whatever else! Edward...open mic? could this be his chance to do a grand gesture? How is this for a teaser: VINDICATED  
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	14. Chapter 14

**HANDS Chapter 14 **

My first day of work is going better than I expected. Kate and I work on songs to play when a goal is scored. For the kiss cam. A playlist for intermissions. She tells me she is having a hard time finding a music act for the bar inside the Wells Fargo Center. We listen to some of the bands that have played before. None of them do much for me.

"They don't work." I tell her point blank.

"What are you talking about they are all good!" Kate argues with me.

"I just don't think they are right for the venue." I start to explain.

"And why is that?" Kate shoots back crossing her arms.

"Because people are there to watch the game, they go in the bar to drink and watch on the TV's but you have this full band jamming out, they can't hear...I just think it should be more like background music while the game is on. During intermissions, they can rock out. Get loud, get people dancing. But it's about the hockey game, not the band."

"I guess that makes sense. We can start looking into some more versatile performers."

"OR, using two different acts. One more mellow for during the game, and one of these bands already in the loop to take over during intermissions, that way there isn't any breaks of music for the fans."

"Well, we can look into it. You are thinking like an acoustic act for during the periods?"

"Exactly."

"Surprise, surprise," she rolls her eyes playfully.

She tells me we have to go down to the stadium because the girl that normally does the National Anthem isn't going to be available all season and we have to find a replacement. She has already set up meetings to hear some potential singers.

"My car or your car?" she asks as we head out of the office.

"I took the train in," I tell her.

"You live in the burbs?" she laughs. I shurg it off. "My car it is." She digs in her purse and pulls out a BMW key, walking in front of me. Her heels click against the marble tile outside the office echoing even after she's stopped waiting for the elevator to open.

When we get in the car and she starts to drive I start to feel a little overwhelmed by everything. It's one more reminder of something I need to get. A reliable car. More importantly a safe car.

"Drinks tonight, on me to celebrate surviving your first day." Kate doesn't ask many questions, she just tells you how it's going to be. She is in for a rude awakening because with me, it's more like how she _thinks_ its going to be.

"That is really great of you to offer, but first, I don't drink much anymore, and second I promised a friend I'd meet her tonight, she is hosting this open mic thing."

"Really? That sounds awesome! It be a great place to find potential performers for the bar. I'll drive so you don't have to take the train out of the city." Kate informs me.

"I don't recall inviting you," I say it like I'm teasing, because I don't want to be a complete ass. It's not as if I can tell her she isn't welcome.

She glares at me, then shoves my shoulder giggling, "Shut up."

I rub my shoulder acting as if she hurt me, "What I meant _was_ if you want to come, by all means..." I can't actually bring myself to finish that sentence.

Before we go into the stadium, Kate stops and pulls out a pack of cigarettes from her back. She holds the pack toward me, "Smoke?" she offers.

"Newports?" I mock her brand, shaking my head no. I reach in my front pant pocket and pull out a pack of Camels. I put it in my mouth at the same time Kate does the same. I have my lighter ready, and I know she is going to be a pain in the ass if I don't light hers first.

I light it, as she inhales the first drag. The smoke exhales from her lungs with the word, "thanks."

I don't respond, just light mine. I try to just focus on the city around me, not talk too much.

And I don't. But Kate doesn't shut up.

My phone chirps with a message and as I look at the text from Bella I can't help but smile at Shay sucking her thumb and holding my old flannel shirt close to her as she is curled up on the couch.

_so fucking perfect _

I text in reply.

"Is that your daughter?" Kate asks, looking at the screen on my phone.

"Yeah," I tell her slipping it back into my pocket.

"I've meet Bella a couple times. I don't know why I didn't put two and two together about who you were."

"Because you _don'_t know who I am." I tell her dropping my butt and pushing the tip of my shoe on top of it, before simply walking away and inside.

HANDS

I hold the door open for Kate at the bar later that night, "Aren't you sick of me yet? I mean don't you want a break from me?" I tease her, for actually following through and coming tonight.

"Nah, I have a feeling about tonight." she tells me with a sly smile. I just shake my head in confusion, that is when I see Bella and our eyes meet.

I smile at her, and she returns a small smile until she notices Kate and it falls from her face. She looks down, and then begins to make her way towards us.

"Hey," I offer leaning in to kiss her cheek.

"Thanks for coming," she rests her hand on my arm and doesn't move it, while she addresses Kate. "It's Kate right?"

"Yeah. I wanted to take Edward out after work to celebrate our new partnership, but he said he had other plans and I invited myself. I didn't mean to interrupt his date..."

"It's not a date," I tell Kate, because I don't want Bella to feel put on the spot. When I see Bella's face I realize she is a little hurt. I suppose at my quick response to clarify the situation.

"Well..." Bella begins, but doesn't finish leaving the atmosphere awkward.

"How is Shay?" I ask her.

"Great. Hopefully winding down for bed. I was actually going to ask if I could bring her by tomorrow night. I have a show from like eight till eleven, and you are right I should ask you first."

"That be awesome. You know I will."

"I can bring her by about seven, then?" Bella asks.

I know her bedtime is eight and I really want to spend time with her...and with Bella. "Would you mind if I grabbed her on my way home from work? About five thirty? We could all go grab dinner." I offer.

"In a restaurant? Did you ever take a one year old out to eat?" Bella raises her eyebrows.

"No...but what do you do? Just not ever go? I'm not talking candle light, I'm talking like Applebee's. I mean will she be perfectly behaved? No, but she can act like a baby, and we can do our best to keep her from bothering other people."

"I would love that. It be great. I guess I'm just use to Nathan never wanting to take her out to eat."

That statement makes my blood boil. "Stupid fuck," I mumble.

"I am going to order a drink...do either of you want anything?" Kate offers, as she backs away. I like that about Kate already, her ability to know when and how to redirect a conversation. Bella and I both decline.

I motion toward a high top table and pull out the chair for Bella. "Is it wrong to be jealous that you walked in here with her tonight?" Bella asks, her eyes are focused on her hands. At the end she looks up at me, bitting her bottom lip.

_I want her so fucking bad. _

"A little." I say eyeing her engagement ring. She just nods. It's quiet for a minute. I pull out my smokes, offer her one.

"Thanks," she says, pulling one from the pack. "I couldn't stop smoking..." She looks sad, guilty.

"A lot of people can't stop an addiction. If they could just stop, it wouldn't be an addiction." I offer her.

"Rose was always on my back about it."

"Rose doesn't know anything. All she knows is easy. She wants, she gets. She is going to have one rude awakening one day. And then, she will know something."

We both take a few drags, Bella looks behind her at the clock on the wall.

"Will you do a song?" she asks me, I can hear the anticipation in her voice. I begin to respond, but stop short.

"I made Alice bring your guitar...it would mean so much to me." Her eyes are big, full of anticipation and a little bit of innocence.

"Bella...I haven't played or anything since that day...I don' t know."

"It's open mic, Its amateur night. You will still be the best. Please." Her eyes change, begging me not to disappoint her. It's almost like she's pointing out the first night I invited her to hang out, forcing her to play even though she didn't want to. I shake my head, I know I can't say no. I guess its only fair that I pushed her into sharing her music, that she be the one now pushing me.

"For you?" I tease her, watching her features quickly change to victory.

She laughs leaning across the table and I think she is going to hug me or kiss my cheek but when she gets closer gravity pulls her lips to mine.

It's just a peck, but enough to send me into a stunned state. I feel like I am a few seconds behind, caught up in feeling her lips on mine. Something I've been dreaming about everyday since I left.

She apologizes quickly. "Don't." I tell her, standing up. I walk closer to her, looking down at her. The tension is undeniable. I know it's taking all my strength not to touch her. Her breathing picks up and can't help but to notice her breasts rise and fall with each breath she takes.

I excuse myself to go tune my guitar, but glance back at her with a smug smile. I sit off to the side of the stage and practice the chords to the song I want to do.

Bella introduces me, calling it my comeback. I walk on stage to some clapping, and when I reach the mic, I correct her, "A favor, for friend is more like it."

Bella walks off, and I clear my throat, "It's been awhile and I got put on the spot. Just don't be too hard on me."

There is a stool behind me and I pull it closer to the mic and sit down to play. "I don't think I can sum things up any better."

I spot Bella back at the table, I notice Kate with her, but once our eyes meet I don't let them break apart. I don't care about singing to the room. There is only one person I want to sing this too, and I'm going to make that crystal clear to her. She asked me to do this, she is the only reason I'm doing it. And I'm going to bear it all to her with this chance.

_Hope dangles on a string_

_Like slow spinning redemption_

_Winding in and winding out_

_The shine of it has caught my eye_

_And roped me in_

_So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing _

_I am captivated_

_I am Vindicated_

_I am selfish_

_I am wrong_

_I am right_

_I swear I'm right_

_I swear I knew it all along_

_And I am flawed _

_But I am cleaning up so well_

_I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself_

I know this next part is going to be hard to sing, and if she wants us to work this isn't going to be easy for her to hear. I'm positive she can see the regret in my eyes before I start the next verse. I don't know if she knows the song and the words that are coming or not.

_So clear_

_Like the diamond in your ring_

_Cut to mirror your intentions_

_Oversized and overwhelmed_

_The shine of which has caught my eye_

_And rendered me so isolated, so motivated_

_I am certain now that_

_I am Vindicated_

_I am selfish_

_I am wrong_

_I am right_

_I swear I'm right_

_I swear I knew it all along_

_And I am flawed _

_But I am cleaning up so well_

_I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself_

The pace of the song has reached it's height, and I am strumming the strings to the point that I hope one doesn't break. Memories of being with Bella connect me so much deeper to the song. I am positive I haven't ever sang a song with more passion. I slow it down before the next verse, knowing once I hit "So let me slip away..." It's going to be be back to this tempo, and even more raw.

_So turn_

_Up the corners of your lips_

_Part them and feel my finger tips_

_Trace the moment, fall forever_

_Defense is paper thin_

_Just one touch and I'd be in_

_Too deep now to ever swim against the current_

_So let me slip away _

_So let me slip against the current _

_So let me slip away _

_Slight hope_

_It dangles on a string_

_Like slow spinning redemption..._

When the song is over, I don't know if there is applause or if anyone was even paying attention. All I can focus on is Bella. I think she should be moving to call the next person up, but it's like we are just lost in each others eyes. I know I'm searching for something more than slight hope, for her to snatch the string...to give me redemption.

I think she's searching me to see if I mean everything, genuinely.

I break the tense moment between us with a little chuckle, using my eyes to tell her she needs to get her ass up here to do her job. She rolls her eyes at herself, shaking her head as she pushes away from the table and makes her way back up the stage.

I love the way she walks in heels, her hips sway, the pace and sound of the clicking.

"I'll turn the stage back over to your beautiful host, Bella. Thank you all." I hold my arm out as Bella walks to the mic before I walk to the side of the stage to put my guitar in it's case.

When I open it, I notice a picture of Shay laying inside along the blue velvet. I turn it over, it has her name and is dated a few days ago. It has a little note; _Thought you'd like this. Thanks for doing a song. Love, Bella and Shay. _

I look over at Bella. She is laughing with the next performer up on stage. "So, since I started hosting Jake has been begging me to do a song with him. Somehow, he got me to agree last month. So, here goes nothing. Our first time ever playing together."

This guy is staring at her with his dimples. It's not hard to figure out he has a major crush on her. I am not jealous though. It's odd. I'm happy for her. I'm happy that she has the presence and the talent to make people 'fall in love with her.'

She blushes when he starts to sing, directly to her. I don't pay attention to the song, just her, doing what she is meant to do. Make music, just like her mom always knew.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hands 15 **

**So, it started in BPOV - right we had like 7 chapters then things took a turn, and we had 7 chapters of EPOV. **

**Well, I guess it's not hard to guess...we are back at Bella's. I like having both, but I hate overlapping...so I think I found a style that works good in giving the reader both voices, and avoiding any overlapping views at all. **

**SOOO I have my girls, that I have neglected to send this chapter to or the last, and not for any other reason, that I want to finish what I have posting right now cause I made a commitment to all of you reading...and so it might not be the best...but I don't know how much longer I can keep doing it! **

**Not because I don't enjoy it, because I do. Just because it's very time consuming and when I started I wasn't working, then I had a stretch of working part time being a single mom with kids in school... **

**Now I'm working 9a-6p, trying to keep up with an apartment, and trying to keep my marriage alive after all the BS the past year with the woman we now refer to as EPIC FAIL. **

**SO ANYONE, I guess you could call this part 3. And the song would be Only Exception by Paramour **

**LOVE YOU ALL! I Will try really hard to work on UtB and SS4DL **

**BPOV**

There are always exceptions to every rule. No matter how black and white it seems, there's always this exception. Even when it comes to exceptions in your personal beliefs, morals, values. Whatever...you will always come across this exception.

Like - I won't ever lie to my father, except if I know it will break his heart. Or I won't ever fall in love and have children. I thought that one was set in stone. No exceptions. Just like my music.

A boy in a flannel and with the most intense, kindest blue green eyes I've ever gotten lost in - changed all of it. Flannel Boy shattered my stone with one kiss.

I faced my biggest fear because of him. I found enjoyment and pride sharing music. I became a mother to a perfect little girl, and for the first time in my life understood my mothers choice to have me.

There is also all of these expectations, that come along with all the ways that boy changed my life. Once you start being a responsible adult people start having these expectations about the way you live your life. And trust me I have plenty of people expecting me to do it this way or that way. To act a certain way or be a certain person.

For instance my father expects me to cut all ties with Edward Cullen, forget all about him, and keep Shay far far away from him. You can see the steam rolling off his body since I haven't done any of the above. I'm afraid he might explode if I give myself to him again.

Rose, she expects me to marry Nathan, with a big white gown, in a beautiful church, with Shay as the flower girl, followed by a fancy reception and of course be my maid of honor. Finish school. Buy a house. Have more kids. And never speak to or of Edward Cullen, keeping him away from us at all costs.

I mean, obviously I haven't denied Edward anything short of me. But it takes so much of my will power to do that. What stops me from giving in to him? Since New Years eve my life has been ruled by Nathan's expectations and plans.

Nathan, he expects me to marry him...I did after all lead him to that expectation by saying yes. He and Rose are very much on the same page as far as the 'big' day is concerned. The bigger the better. He is two weeks away from moving into this house he bought, and has been remolding. It's a great house, I do love it. He has kept me so involved with all the choices of remolding and even asking what I want for Shay's bedroom. And I can't seem to slow any of it down. I feel powerless, like I have no choice but to keep doing what they all expect.

They have no idea how big of an exception Edward is for me. To them it's simple, he almost got me killed, then abandoned me. I should hate his guts. Except I don't...not even a little.

Shay and I sit at dinner with him, and I'm visibly flustered with a bag full of swatches of fabric, paint colors, wallpaper books, furniture catalogs. He asks about it all. I can't lie, so I start telling him all about this house I'm expected to move into with Nathan.

He listens, and I try not to sound excited about it...but there are a lot of things I'm in love with. Having helped Nathan make all these choices, has really made it like mine. If I marry him, it will be.

It's an old victorian home that has been totally updated, but still leaving in the charm. It has a huge porch that wraps around the left side of the house. What I love is how it curves. It's not just a lot of straight lines. The windows are huge. And the ones in the master bedroom have to be my favorite. Three of them in a row, but the two on the end are on an angle. Beneath them is half circle window bench. It has a big tree in the back yard, that Nathan has plans to build a tree house in. The gardens along the porch are full of color, which looks nice against the beige siding, and brick red trim on the windows. There are two doors on the front entrance that are red with white trim.

Inside, it's all hardwood floor on the first floor. The staircase is black, and Nathan said he thinks it will look really great with the piano he was planning on surprising me with as a wedding gift. I do love the stairs though, you go up about six when you hit this landing with a big stain glass window and turn to go up about six more to get to the second floor. When you first walk in there is a closet, then to the left the entrance to the dinning room, then the staircase. To the right there is a half wall for a few feet into the living room. The walls are painted green in the foyer and into the living room. The wall going up the staircase has wallpaper, which I normally hate, but this wallpaper I love. It's the same shade of green as the walls with long white branches with leaves. Straight back is the kitchen, where it has everything a girl like me who loves to cook could ever dream of.

Even the dining room has wallpaper on the top half of the walls, above the black chair rails. Nathan insisted I pick it out. It's charcoal floral damask. (I only remember because I never thought I'd pick anything with the words floral or damask.) The floral part is shiny silver, and it does look really amazing.

The Kitchen is huge and bright and I am so in love with it. The cabinets are cream, with an aged look. Not distressed, or country feel...just classic. Not shiny, but with designs at the top. A lot of the cabinets up high are open, more like shelves around the sink. It's perfect for displaying pretty plates and bowels. There is a built in hutch, and an island in the center with the gas stove on one side and on the other side it sits up a few inches higher for people to sit. I can picture Shay there in her high chair as I cook, feeding her bits, and giving her things to 'help' me. The fixtures are black and have that antique look. The counters are marble cream with lavender specs. The tile back splash is small lavender squares, and yes they sparkle. Which is the only reason I agreed to paint the walls lavender. It works good to add the shine against the blend cabinets. Then back in the curve of the windows is a place for a little breakfast table.

The colors all flow so nice too. Green, charcoal, lavender.

I feel like I've alienated Edward with all this talk about this house, and tell myself to shut up.

"What about the upstairs?" He asks, throwing me off. I try to keep it simpler, and not go into too much detail, as I explain to him what it's like on the second floor.

Upstairs is carpet, with four bedrooms, and two bathrooms. The downstairs has a guest bathroom too. They all have the pedal stool sinks and claw-feet tubs. I love the character they add.

There is a third floor, but it's not easily found. The stairs are hidden with a door, and once you get up there, it's just one big room. Nathan was going to make it an office/library. He said he didn't need all that though, and has started to make it into a place I can go to work on music.

"Sounds...really..." Edward begins, he looks down at his plate then up and over at Shay, who has been so good. She's been engrossed with the food. Eating pickles from Edwards cheese burger, pieces of onion and olives from my salad, not to mention how cute her face scrunches up with the tastes of each new thing. He looks back at me to finish. I feel awful, because I truly want him over that house. I just don't know how to do it without causing a huge mess of disappointment, hurt feelings, broken heart, and broken promises. "It sounds like the perfect place for Shay to grow up. Stable, safe. I ah, I'm thankful Nathan and you can give that to her."

"Well, it won't be long until you can give her those same things." I remind him of his new job.

"It's not like I'm going to find myself in a place to move into a house on the main line with great schools and hardly any crime...I mean a two bedroom apartment in Radnor would be hard for me to manage. It's great for you and Shay."

"It's..." I begin, soothing down Shay's hair with my hand. "So hard to put into words." It's all I can manage to get out. I feel tears stinging my eyes and I don't want to cry. It would be great if I loved Nathan - half as much as I love Edward. And to me, it is better for Shay to live in an apartment or an area more middle class, not like the high middle class/upper class area this house is in, where she can see what true love really is.

I love Nathan. I do, there is no way things would have gotten this far if I didn't. It's just doesn't have the fire and sparks I have with Edward. Being with Edward is...

"Effortless," I whisper the word, and when I look up at Edward I swallow back the awkward moment and fill him in on my spoken thought. "When we were together...it felt effortless."

He shakes his head in disagreement. "Because you didn't expect anything from me. I was never a man for you. No promises to break, no sacrifices. Just take what you can get or leave."

"Do you know how many men would lie in that situation? Pretend? Just to tell a girl what they think she wants to hear? Honesty goes a long way, Edward. I admire that about you. I wish I had the courage to be that honest with people."

"It's called a heart. You don't want to hurt anyone. But, I think what I learned is there is a balance. I mean if letting someone think something isn't going to hurt them or someone else, let them think it. But if it's going to hold back your happiness, or hurt someone, you need to be able to fight for what you want. Fight for what's best for the people you love. And know when to back away to give them the chance at a better life."

"And if what you want hurts others you care about?"

"How does it hurt them? Are you _really _hurting them?" Edward asks, making me wonder myself how much choices about how I live my life will truly hurt Rose or my father.

"I guess more like disappointing them." I conclude.

"Life is full of disappointment. But you can't take that shit-"

"EDWARD!" I stop him with a wide eyed glare, my eyes moving over to Shay.

"Crap. I meant crap." He corrects.

I shake my head. "That's not any better." I tell him.

"Stuff..." he offers meekly.

"Better," I say stabbing my fork into some lettuce, as I let Edward continue.

"Disappointment is a tool parents use to make their kids feel guilty. It really shouldn't be used on adults by other adults. I mean it's your life, right? You have to wake up everyday and live with the choices you made. Why wake up in disappointment everyday just because a few people will make you feel guilty for making choices about your life? There disappointment is their baggage, not yours."

"It's like since I found out I don't have Huntingtons and had Shay...everyone is on my back to do things...I hate school." I admit, laughing.

"I know," Edward laughs with me.

"But I need a stable job for Shay." I acknowledge the need to do what I don't want in order to provide for Shay. "Rose says, time to grow up Bella, no more excuses to act like a free spirit who isn't going to have long to enjoy life. Time to face being responsible." I mock Rosalie's voice. I love her, but she is so pushy with her way. When I had Edward, it was easy to back away from her. She thought it was a punishment to not hang out with me when he was around. Sometimes I lied just to get a break.

"You were never not responsible, Bella. Don't let Rosalie or anyone else make you feel like you weren't. You supported yourself, you went to work everyday working your way into management. Don't let her ideals influence your life."

"I wasn't responsible with you." I point out. "Not with my emotions, and not otherwise..."

It's quiet as we both chew on our food, and all these thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I don't think I can ever apologize enough for what happened." Edward tells me, his voice sounds pained.

"I'm not sorry. Not for one day, not for one second did I ever wish to have never known you. I'm not sorry for feeling everything you made me feel, or for borrowing your courage to live my life, and take that test. You gave me so much. I never want to take a day or hour of it away. To say that I have anything to forgive you for...other than leaving..." I scold him with a playful smile before finishing, "would be admitting that Shayne is a mistake. And I think whoever is yanking us around up there, has made it pretty clear that she is meant to be here. She's a miracle, and she is no mistake."

"I'm sorry I left. I...just thought you deserved better. I never felt like I could do anything right, everything I touched I ruined, every chance I blew...if you had any chance left, I wasn't going to ruin it for you."

"No, but you did exactly that. You did screw up my chance and yours. Don't your chances matter?" I ask him, trying to keep my anger in check. There is nothing I can do to bring back the past and make him stay.

"If I thought I was worth a dam-" he stops, and back talks, "a darn in the past. I'd be the golden boy at Capitol Records, with world tours, tons of money, and no worries. But I messed up every chance I had to make a good name for myself in the music industry. There is not one record company willing to take a chance on me. Now..." Edward stops looking over at Shay, pretending to take her nose, which doesn't make her laugh. It pisses her off. She tries to snatch it out of Edwards pretend grip. He pretends to give it back by putting it on her forehead, which only upsets her.

"You are so mean teasing her," I joke with him. I look at Shayne, "Daddy is being a meanie, isn't he?" I ask her, taking the nose off her forehead. "Mama will make it all better." I tell her, placing her nose in the rightful spot. "How would Daddy feel if we made him put his nose on his forehead?" I question teasingly.

"I'm sorry, baby. Can you ever forgive me?" Edward asks Shay, gently resting his forehead against hers. Her tiny hand goes to his cheek as she nods yes. He kisses her nose, then both her cheeks making her giggle.

"Now, I have to believe in myself. I have to find every chance so I can be someone Shayne can be proud of and look up to."

"I'm glad you see yourself differently now." I tell him. I keep thinking about the song he sang the other night.

_And I'm seeing in me know the things you swore you saw before... _

When Shay touched his face she left behind some ketchup on his cheek. I have been trying not to laugh. I was going to tell him right away, but I couldn't interrupt him. Despite it feeling laid back, it's serious things we are talking about.

I reach over the table to wipe the red spot from his face with my thumb, I notice the look in his eye change to one I've seen dozens of times. It's the same intense stare before he would kiss me. I stumble over my words, but manager to get them out. "Um, you have something," I begin to tell him, wiping a few times until it's off. "There, you are good." I tell him, retreating back into my seat.

My heart is beating a mile a minute. I feel shaky and nervous and it's like someone let butterflies loose in my stomach.

How does he manage to make me feel like this? I don't know how to stop so much of the things that are already in motion.

I let go of him...I moved on...how can I say that none of it mattered? How can I stop a wedding, how can I expect Nathan to move into a home he decorated with the woman he thought he'd spend the rest of his life with? How can I just walk away from all he has done for Shay and I...?

How do I wake up every morning disappointed that it's not Edward next to me? I know he is trying, but it's so late.

Too late? I have no idea. Everyone seems to think so.


	16. Chapter 16

**HANDS Chapter 16**

**Thanks for sticking with me, I'm still trying my best! **

**Bpov**

I really hate champagne. It is like drinking toxic perfume. I really hate this bar I'm in tonight, simply being the puppet they are paying me to be. They seem to think that because they are paying me, they can dictate how I use my talent. The sad part? I agreed.

I'm out back of the bar in the dimly lit ally, that reeks of trash from the dumpsters. I feel more in touch with this ally than I do inside this lounge, "Swanky Bubbles". I'm in my pink sequence and satin dress, a stark contrast with what most would consider a gross ally. Sure it's not perfect, sure there is an odor – but who's shit doesn't stink? Plus, it has character with the spray painted grafiti along the brick walls and dirty dumpsters. Looking down at my feet in disgust, adorn with the matching sparkly platform heels, I really despise being here. I feel like a sell out. I couldn't turn down five hundred dollars...even if it meant compromising who I am as a musical artist. An identity I'm only just finding again, and I already sold out. Plus these shoes are hot as fuck. But not to actually parade around in all over town. More like using them as my only piece of clothing in the bedroom.

I take a drag off my cigarette, when the back entrance to Swanky Bubbles opens behind me. I turn to see Nathan, with two glasses of champagne. "Hey, beautiful," he greets me leaning in to kiss my cheek. I smile, "Hi," I respond back as he offers me one of the glasses.

"You look really amazing." Nathan tells me, and it feels nice to hear him say it. It just doesn't elicit the same excitement I felt earlier when Edward said it. His words made my face flush, my heart race, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up straight.

"I don't really like champagne," I admit to him, feeling bad that I'm wasting this drink.

"Really? I thought everyone enjoyed champagne...It seemed like a good way to celebrate moving into the house soon. I bought a bottle."

I feel bad, but it really makes me want to gag. "I'm sorry...I just can't handle the malt liquor taste mixed with like my grandmothers perfume..." I look for a place to put my cigarette out, not wanting to step on it, I put it out against the brick wall.

"It's a really good bottle. It's higher quality then you are probably use to. Just give it a try."

I take a deep breathe because this is one thing he does that rubs me the wrong way. Its as if he is indicating that my blue collar upbringing and my pay check to pay check life settling for bottom shelf liqour and beer, that if I drink this champagne, I'll like it all of a sudden. I still can't seem to figure out what, aside from price, sets apart Pier One from Bombay. Or clothes from Khols rather than Express. Or why Baby Gap is better than The Childrens Place. Mac or Pc. Buying electronics from Walmart or Best Buy. Acme's meat other than Perdue or Hatfield. I'm really okay with my Honda. I don't see why I should spend twenty thousand more for a Audi or Mercedes. At the end of the day, the Ford Focus gets me from point A to B, just as good as Nathan's BMW. Although, he thinks we should trade it in for something nicer, like the Audi or Mercedes. He even suggested an Acura or if I like Fords, they make Lincolns. Really? I don't find the heated seats, or gadgets I can't figure out in Nathan's car. (Like when I couldn't start the car for like ten minutes while trying to figure out the key/start button feature...what's the point of the button when you still need the key?) It's no more efficient in getting me to and from my destanation than my car. I still have GPS, I still have a radio, I still have leather seats, a sunroof, heat and air conditioning, and free oil changes for the first two years. Not to mention, that Nathan's car payment is more than double mine.

I guess I've only ever had cheap champagne along with furniture, clothes, food, electronics, and cars. But at the end of the day, it's all the same. I mean – yes there are items that are cheap and cheaply made and I've learned paying a little more for quality is worth it. Which is why I don't buy anything from Forman Mills, or bedding sets from Kmart. But it also doesn't mean I can't find reasonable prices on quality items. Nathan thinks expensive equals above and beyond quality. When really, to me, it just seems like a way for the wealthy to show off the ability to have a certain brand name attached to them.

I also won't deny the few items I or mostly others splurged on. I love sneakers, and Rose hates that I can wear them with anything and everything. One year she bought me khaki and red coach sneakers for my birthday. I bought this yellow leather jacket that was just way too much money. Nathan hates it.

He isn't like me, and I know I lack the feelings I have for Edward for him, but it's different and it doesn't mean I don't love him. It doesn't mean it doesn't work. It is different from Edward. With Nathan it's more like a scale. I lighten him up, he brings out an appreciation for stability in me. Being different and having a different opinions isn't such a bad thing. It really just enhances your ability to embrace things you wouldn't have before. It opens your mind, and Nathan really has made my life better.

How do you just walk away from everything that you have been building up? Everything you have overcome and battled to be in the place I am today?

"Bella?" Nathan's voice pulls me from my mangled emotions my mind tries to organize without any progress. I never make any progress. It's two Bella's arguing. Edward's Bella and Nathan's Bella.

Maybe that's why I never get anywhere. I need to find simply Bella.

"Sorry," I smile up at him. "I better get started."

"Did I tell you how beautiful you look," Nathan calls out to me after I walk a few steps past him. His hand grasps my arm, gently pulling me towards him.

He holds me in his arms, "I don't recall." I smile teasing him, as he tilts my chin up delicately with his index finger.

"Well, you do."

Before I can say thank you, his lips are on mine. There isn't anything I don't like about being kissed by him, or held in his arms.

When I go inside, I'm not sure exactly why I am surprised to see Rosalie squealing in delight with a table behind her full of bridal shower decorations, presents, and a cake.

"You didn't?" I say wearily, giving into a hug.

"Of course I did. You think you can say no bridal shower and I'm going to listen?"

"No, not in the least." I mumble, looking around the lounge, at all the semi familiar faces I've come to be aquitences with over the past year. Nathan's mother and sisters. I see Alice, a bit relieved to have her here. At the same time, I'm over come with anxiety.

Did Edward know all along what I was walking into tonight? It makes my stomach flip into knots with how accepting he was before I left. How he told held back kissing me. Was this why?

"So. I'm not performing?" I ask, a little upset about the fact that I won't have the money I was counting on.

"Oh, no, you are. I just thought it be the perfect way to surprise you. You just don't have to start as soon, and you can take a longer break in between sets. Then tomorrow, I thought we could find you the perfect dress. I hope you didn't change your mind on the theme of everything," Rose points behind her at the table.

Everything is teal and dark purple with peacock feathers. The cake does catch my attention, three white tiers of cake, each with teal ribbon wrapped around the base, peacock feathers drawn up the sides in purple one larger one with extra detail and teal accents, the top decorated with fake peacock feathers.

A banner hangs above the table with a blown up picture of me and Nathan from our engagement photo session. He is giving me a piggy back ride, huge smiles on our faces, the love statue in the distance in Philadelphia. It says, Best wishes to Bella and Nathan in your life together.

I hate the attention. I don't even know how I am going to survive the wedding. Smiling and greeting people...I'm just not comfortable in a big huge dress dancing let alone walking. It's actually why I have been looking online at a lot of short wedding dresses. I just know I won't find one fancy enough to stand out against everything else.

I suppose this is a practice round, as my future mother in law and sister in law's approach me with hugs and excitement. The first time I saw Nathan's mother, she told me to call her Mom. I feel weird now every time I need to use her name, because I'm not comfortable calling her mom. I don't want her to take it personally, it's just not easy for me.

When I finally pull away from my future in laws, I make my way to Alice. She looks almost apologetic. "Don't say sorry, cause I know you would do the same thing." I point out.

"Yeah, but more your speed. More laid back." Alice hugs me.

"You didn't tell him this was happening tonight, did you?" I ask her quietly. I feel guilty asking about him. Wondering if he is really struggling with all everything. It feels like it's moving so fast...and part of me knows if we communicated better that night he came back, I wouldn't be engaged to Nathan.

There she is...simply Bella. Simply Bella also finds it hard to find a way to back out without looking like a heartless bitch or not seeming thankful for all the work everyone has offered and put into making things happen that I said I wanted.

"He knows." Alice admits.

"How is he? Cause he seems...okay to me. Is he?" I ask her with a pleading tone to let me know.

"He wants the best for you and Shayne. He thinks this is chance for you two to live with no worries, and be taken care of in a way he won't be able to. Better. So, he doesn't want to pressure you into walking away from the kind of life you deserve, not unless you are sure what will be the best is another path."

"I don't know what to do, Alice." I admit.

"Then stop moving in the same direction. It's okay to take a break so you can look at the map and find the best road."

"I don't know how to work the brakes."

"Just by being honest with everyone."

Honest, I think over and over again until I'm standing up on the stage. There is a piano, and that's not honest to my music. "I know everyone is use to the piano, and that is what everyone is expecting to hear, and I will do some of that. I learned there is value in compromising, and that you might like something different if you give it a chance. So, to start I'm going to be honest and share with everyone the type of artist am, before stepping out of my comfort zone to be the type of artist you all expect." I look off to the side of the stage, Rosalie is there, and I ask her to bring out my guitar.

"This is a song I wrote recently. It's called Why You Wanna," I announce before starting the song. It is slow, and mellow for the most part. It has a country feel to it.

_Out of all of the places in this little town_  
><em>Yeah, you had to come walking in here and sit down<em>  
><em>I'm hiding and hoping my face ain't too red<em>  
><em>Since we been over, been trying like crazy to get you out of my head<em>

And it's not until I get into the song I remember the obviously about your ex boyfriend lyrics, and I'm at a celebration for my impending marriage to another man. My face is getting warmer by the second, but I can't back out.

I just wanted honesty. Honesty was my intention. I move onto the chorus.

_So-o-o_  
><em>Why you wanna<em>  
><em>Show up in a old t-shirt that I love<em>  
><em>Why you gotta tell me that I'm looking good<em>  
><em>Don't know what<em>  
><em>You were thinkin'<em>  
><em>You were doing<em>  
><em>Moving in for a hug<em>  
><em>Like you don't know I'm coming unglued<em>  
><em>Why you gotta<em>  
><em>Why you wanna<em>  
><em>Make me keep wanting you <em>

_I wish you had on sunglasses to cover up those blue eyes_  
><em>I wish you said something mean maybe glad that you said goodbye<em>  
><em>Why can't you look off somewhere if you catch me staring at you<em>  
><em>Why can't you be cold like any old good ex would do<em>

Thinking of all the times I saw Edward his eyes hidden behind sunglasses to hide. Hide his feelings. Hide his high. Make it easier to play it coy. I rare occasions he would pull them off, and toss them on a nearby surface, letting me see. But, I still was too blind to read the words his eyes expressed.

_So-o-o_  
><em>Why you wanna<em>  
><em>Show up in a old t-shirt that I love<em>  
><em>Why you gotta tell me that I'm looking good<em>  
><em>Don't know what<em>  
><em>You were thinkin'<em>  
><em>You were doing<em>  
><em>Moving in for a hug<em>  
><em>Like you don't know I'm coming unglued<em>  
><em>Why you gotta<em>  
><em>Why you wanna<em>  
><em>Make me keep wanting you<em>  
><em>Keep wanting you<em>

I feel like I can't look at anyone in the room as I sing these words. Not Nathan's family. Not Rose. When I think how I don't want to see Nathan's expression, my eyes automatically go to him. His face looks tight, like he is trying to hide how pissed and disappointed he is, at the the same time, trying to save face and act like the words aren't personal to me. That he isn't bothered and has no reason to worry. That all crumbles when our eyes lock. His face sours quickly, and mine I'm sure shows regret and remorse. I look away, and avoid looking in his direction. My eyes land on Alice, who seems to be recording me on her cell phone.

_Why_  
><em>Why<em>  
><em>Why<em>  
><em>Would you tell me that you call me up sometime?<em>  
><em>Maybe we can get a drink and just catch up<em>  
><em>Like that'd be enough<em>  
><em>No, that ain't enough<em>

_Why you gotta_  
><em>Show up in a old t-shirt that I love<em>  
><em>Why you gotta tell me that I'm looking good<em>  
><em>Don't know what<em>  
><em>You were thinkin'<em>  
><em>You were doing<em>  
><em>Moving in for a hug<em>  
><em>Like you don't know I'm coming unglued<em>  
><em>Why you gotta<em>  
><em>Why you wanna<em>  
><em>Make me keep wanting you<em>

_Why you gotta_  
><em>Why you wanna<em>  
><em>Make me keep wanting you<em>

_Why you gotta_  
><em>Why you wanna<em>  
><em>Make me keep wanting you<em>

_Out of all of the places_  
><em>In this little town<em>  
><em>Yeah, you had to come walking in here and sit down <em>

Fuck the honesty, I think after I end the song. I place the guitar down on the stand behind me, and take the microphone from the confines of the stand. I don't acknowledge the indulgence of doing my own music. It be like rubbing salt into an open wound.

Instead I just look at the piano player indicating I'm ready to start the planned set list without anymore deviations. I end the night with what feels like an appropriate choice, Wreck of the Day by Anna Nalick.

_And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love_  
><em>When all my resistance will never be distance enough<em>

_Driving away from the wreck of the day_  
><em>And it's finally quiet in my head <em>


	17. Chapter 17

**Hands 18**

BPOV

Nathan and I thank everyone, for everything. He puts on a good act, like I didn't just stand up and tell everyone close to us that I'm still hung up on my Ex.

Rosalie scuffs when I refer to him as that, "My Ex". She doesn't even think what we shared is worth that much.

When Nathan and I get out to my car, I balance myself on the side of the car to take off these ridiculous sparkly shoes, and trade them for my slip on sneakers. Nathan took a cab from the hospital here, so the drive out of the city and back to my apartment is silent in the worst way. If I say sorry, I admit it. If I ask him if something is wrong, I open a can of worms. I notice his mouth opening then closing, like a fish there is no sound except the quiet pop of his lips parting. When he clears his throat the question I have been dreading comes out loud and clear. It's the harshest tone I've heard him take when he asks me point blank if I still want to be with Edward – I can't lie.

They say silence speaks louder than words. I can't bring myself to admit that to him, and I can't deny how I feel about Edward. Nathan stares out the front window, nodding softly as if telling himself he knew it all along. I can't imagine what he is thinking. Maybe about ways to end it, ways to make it okay for him to accept second best, or what his life will turn into if all this planning falls apart beneath him.

Finally he speaks, "Do you love me?" He doesn't look over at me until the question leaves his lips.

"Of course I do." I respond without hesitation, because it's the truth.

"I don't know if I want the answer to this next question, but I can't wake up and wonder about it everyday." He looks into his lap, his eyes closed, "Do you love me like you love him?"

"It's not the same thing," I try to avoid the question.

"Bella, are there connections you have with him that you don't have with me, ones that you miss or that you wish you had, ones that you might regret living your life without?"

I take my eyes off the road as I slow the car to a stop sign, before looking over at him. "I don't know." I admit meekly.

"I don't want to keep you from being as happy as you can be...Maybe you should take some time to figure out what it is exactly that you can and can't live with." Nathan's eyes are trained forward as he speaks the words trying to disconnect from them. It's like he has detached. He knows how to detach himself well being a doctor. He always said I was the first mistake he ever made, he let his emotions get too involved.

"So, you want to what take a break? I don't even know what that means. Do we see other people? Or do we just spend time apart for a little while?" I ask him.

"I donʼt want to see other people...I just think it be best to step away and really figure out if this is what you want." Nathan shakes his head in disbelief. "If this is even...you. I donʼt know Bella. I feel like I know you, but since he has been back, I also have seen this complete stranger. You are different with him. You seem more comfortable in your skin around him, you are more at ease...you smile more."

"Nathan..." I begin, but I canʼt argue. "I have always felt as if I belonged with him. Itʼs like nothing I have felt before. You know this! You were the one I talked to about everything between Edward and I after he left. No one else wanted to hear how empty I felt without him. They all said I was better off without him. I donʼt know if itʼs possible to be with him like that again. He has changed. I have changed. I also donʼt know how many people even find that spark or connection Edward and I shared. But, at the same time it was ruined when he left me broken, and you fixed me, and parts of me changed as I healed. Iʼm not sure where things are with you or him. You stitched me up, you got me to open my heart up again...thatʼs not just something I can pretend wasnʼt that big of a deal. So, yeah...a break sounds more like you stepping aside in some attempt to be this bigger man who isnʼt going to put pressure on me to make a choice."

"I donʼt want to pressure you to make a choice. I want you to do what feels right to you. Iʼm just trying to strip away the expectations, so hopefully you can figure all of this out. Bella, I knew the moment he walked into that bar, it was most likely over. I just don't want to accept that, because… you are my spark." He finally looks at me, and I can see how much he would sacrifice to make sure I am happy.

I stop at the stop sign a block away from my apartment, my foot firmly on the brake. My eyesight is blurry from the tears of his words, and by the fact that I canʼt tell him the same thing in return.

"I have an appointment to look at wedding dresses in the morning. Rose and Alice are coming to help pick out bridesmaid dresses. My dad just put the deposit down on the Peacock Pavillon at the Zoo..." He deserves better of me.

"Bella, do what you want. Iʼd love nothing more than to marry you surronded by roaming peacocks at the zoo, and see you in a stunning white dress, and if you feel like going to find dresses tommorow is what you should be doing, Iʼm not telling you you not to. I don't want you to follow through with this, if it's because you are afraid or don't know how to stop everything that's in motion. Your dad can get the deposit back, Rose and Alice and you can go shopping for shoes… Iʼm just saying, itʼs okay with me if you need to take a little while to figure it out."

I lean my forehead against his, my fingers tickle lightly along his jaw, then my lips softly touch his. It brings me back to the first time he kissed me.

_I was breastfeeding Shay in the living room of my apartment. He knocked and announced his name, I invited him inside. I have always been comfortable with him, and it wasnʼt any big deal to have my doctor, who talked me into breastfeeding, taught me how to breastfeed, walk in on me doing that exact thing._

"_My two favorite girls, " Nathan commented, he kissed my cheek as he normally did, then Shayʼs head. Her eyes were growing heavier and heavier until she was still and sound asleep._

"_Want me to go put her down?" he asked me._

"_Yeah, that be great." I was always quick to accept the help during my recovery. Moving around wasnʼt exactly easy or painless._

_As Nathan took her out of my arms, I tried to conceal my boob quickly, but I wasnʼt successful. Nathan never seemed fazed by the peep shows he got while I was his patient, and even afterward. This time though, his cool and calm ' itʼs just another boob' demeanor vanished. He paused, his eyes lingering on my chest. When he looked up at me, I raised my eyebrows in question to his ogling. "Iʼm sorry." He apologized quickly and stumbled over his words, and awkwardly situating Shayne closer to him before walking away placing her in her crib._

_When he came out of the room, he could hardly make eye contact with me. "Are you okay?" I asked him with hesitance._

"_No." He stated bluntly, it was like he was sick of hiding it or acting like I was just a friend. " I think you are amazing. I know you probably arenʼt feeling the same thing for me. I know you are waiting for him to come back. I just think you are so strong and beautiful, and Iʼd hate to see you watch life pass you by waiting for someone that may never come back. I would do anything to make you happy." He confessed in one long breath. _

"_I donʼt know what to say," I managed._

"_Say that you will consider it. Consider giving me a chance to be a man you deserve and is worthy of the love you have inside you. Iʼm not going anywhere...Iʼll wait." He walked over and sat down next to me on the couch. I cuddled into his side, like I had done so many nights before._

"_I canʼt promise you anything...but you're right I can't just wait as life goes by." I looked up into his eyes, and his thumb caressed my cheek. I remember feeling butterflies, and excitement, and being nervous as he slowly brought his lips to mine. It was sweet and tender. He took his time parting his lips, the tip of his tongue slowly came into contact with my lips._

_I hadnʼt kissed a man since Edward, almost a year. And I slowly gave him more. When it felt like the kiss would become hungry, Nathan pulled away. "Are you okay?" He asked me. I nodded yes, biting my bottom lip. " No pressure. Iʼm just here. If you want me to be, to be whatever you want. But I won't lie I think you are amazing and beautiful."_

A car honks behind us, pulling me back to the moment. I double check that I can go, before putting my foot on the gas to get home. I pull off to the side of the road outside my apartment. I notice the car behind me pull over a few houses in front of mine.

"So, Edward is here with Shay?" Nathan asks me, pulling my guitar case from the back seat as I throw the pink sparkly platforms in my messenger bag. I try to collect as much of the binders with sheet music and other equipment as I can, kicking the car door shut with my foot.

Nathan struggles to open the front door to the building, his hands are as full as mine and trying hard to balance everything. As we make our way up the five steps to the first landing, I drop a binder, "Crap," I mumble bending down to pick it up. Nathan puts the stuff he is holding down and begins helping me. "Thanks," I tell him, our eyes meeting intensely in the moment. Nathan starts to apologize for tonight. "I thought once you saw it all come together, you would enjoy it." He says of the wedding shower.

"You know I just hate the attention, and being caught off guard. Plus, your mom still doesn't like me." I point out how uncomfortable it is to be around her.

"She just doesnʼt know how to act with you. She doesnʼt want you to feel like she is trying to be your mom, but she wants to be close to you," Nathan tries to explain for the hundredth time. What he doesnʼt get, is his mom and I have nothing but him and Shay to talk about it. I canʼt even hold a ten minute conversation with her. I just nod, as we gather our things back up and go up the next five steps.

As I turn the key in the knob, Edward pulls the door open. "Howʼd it go?" he asks, taking most of the things out of my hands.

"Wonderful," I tell him with no indication in my voice that I mean otherwise, but then I mouth to him "horrible" to spare Nathanʼs feelings.

"That good huh?" Edward smirks, he knows what that smirk does to me. I scold him with my eyes, not to tease me.

"How is Shay? Was she good?" I ask him, anxious to see her as I walk toward the bedroom.

"She is great. I gave her a bath, she sang a few songs with me, then just listened before falling asleep."

"What time did she go down for bed?" I ask, trying to anticipate if her schedule will be out of whack.

Edward scratches the back of his head, "about that...I know you said no later than nine. But we were just having such a great jam session and lost track of time..." Edward tries to avoid giving me the actual time.

"Edward, what time?" I ask him, no bullshit.

"Like eleven." he admits meekly.

"Shit, Edward! This is going to throw her off for like days!"

"Iʼm sorry...I just love spending time with her. I love watching her. It is so hard when I donʼt get to see her for days."

"Keeping her on schedule is huge. It makes my day so much easier, if itʼs wrong it makes the day a complete nightmare." I try to explain to him. He looks so sorry, and I can't take the look in his eyes. I sigh and tell him it's okay. "I guess when you start getting a few days with her you will see what I mean. We will do just fine." I assure him.

I excuse myself, anxious to put on something more comfortable.

I run in the bedroom, and push the door shut behind me. I pull off the dress and slip on a pair of shorts then start to rummage through my dresser for a tank top. I don't care that I don't have a bra on, cause I am so tired and just want to climb in bed, I can't even attempt to think about what to do with this wedding. As I pull the tank top over my head, I realize I didnʼt shut the door all the way and Edwardʼs gaze is locked on me. I can see the yearning in his eyes. Along with the torture of not being able to do exactly what I know he wants to do. I can picture what he would be doing right now if there was nothing stopping him.

He would walk in the bedroom full of confidence like a hunter stalking his prey. He would say something about not needing all these clothes, as his fingers tugged on the bottom of my shirt playfully, before he would pull it up over my head. His fingers would twist and pinch my nipples before he would palm them with his hands. I'd move closer to him, slipping my hands up his t-shirt to feel his chest . He would alternate back to teasing my nipples with his index finger and thumb, pulling, twisting, flicking. That's when he would give into me with a hungry kiss. I run my hand down the side of my neck imagining the feel of his lips biting and licking down to my collar bone, to the space between my breasts. His perfect hands gliding down my rib cage, over my hips, before pushing down my shorts. His tongue and teeth would alternate between my breasts, as his fingers teased my entrance and clit. When I began panting and pressing for more, he'd stop and back away, never losing eye contact with me. He would slowly undo his jeans, letting them fall to floor with his boxer briefs. _God I miss seeing him in those._ I'd go closer, desperate to feel all of him, he would let me close enough to help pull his shirt over his head. His mouth would meet mine for a deep kiss, with his hands on my lower back, making sure I was pressed firmly against his body and able to feel his hard cock pressed against my bare stomach. This would be the moment he tried, like several times in the past, to slide one of his fingers between my ass checks. The furthest I've let him go is teasing the entrance, while I stroked his dick. He would tell me to stop and ask me to play with clit. Right now, I want him so bad, that when he asked "Please Baby, let me fuck your ass." Instead of my instinctive answer of, "No." I'd say, " I'll try."

I can't picture what would happen from there, because I don't know how he would take control of things from that point, other than being totally turned on by my willingness.

A soft knock on the ajar door causes it to push open a little more, and pulls me from my fantasy. "Bella, you okay?"

I shake my head disapprovingly, but with a smile being playful. I'm really wet, and feel like shit having Nathan right in front of me after thinking all that stuff about Edward. I notice the blonde highlights in Nathan's hair, his square jaw, and then notice the outline of his abs through his shirt. I wonder for a split second how it be to have them both at the same time…_So bad Bella_ I think to myself chastising my starved libido. Sex hasn't been bad with Nathan, but it doesn't compare to Edward. I need to get away from them both.

"Crap, I forgot my purse in my car," I announce walking past Nathan quickly out of my bedroom and toward the front door. I stop and grab my keys off the kitchen counter.

"Iʼll be right back." I quickly say, trying not to look at either one of them until I can get these mental images out of my mind.

When I get to my car and retrieve my purse, I let out a huge sigh of relief as I lean against the rear bumper lighting a cigarette.

I notice a tall, muscular man walking down the side walk toward me with a hooded sweat jacket over his head. I can't make out much more of him, other than being on edge. I reach inside my bag and feel for the small can of mace my father makes me carry around. I can't find it, and I don't want to draw too much attention. Or have anyone able to sense my fear.

He gets closer and I try to avoid him. I try to act cool, but I'm honestly scared to death. I just keep hoping he will keep walking, but he doesn't. When he approaches me, his movements get faster, swifter.

His arms go on either side of me his palms down against my car making it impossible to run. I never run. Not when the shooting happened, not from Nathan, and not twenty seconds ago when my mind was screaming at me to go back inside.

I try to act like this isn't scary for me, stay strong. Show no fear. I drop my cigarette, "Excuse me," I say attempting to break through his large arms.

His face is hidden by the hood and a baseball cap plus the dark street. He doesn't smell drunk or look like he is on drugs, which I was hoping for. Just a drunk ass, not my luck.

"Isabella Swan, daughter of a police chief."

"How do you know my name?" I ask with a surprisingly steady voice.

"There wasn't supposed to be any witnesses. Cullen was smart getting out of dodge. It left us clueless as to who you were exactly…well until he showed up again. Now he is all about fixing shit with the girl that should be dead…along with him. Cause, there can't be anybody around to ID my crew."

"I'm not talking to any cops, I swear. Please. Just let me go."

"I have orders to take you out quickly," he whispers close to my ear. "But you are such a sweet little thing," I feel something hard press against my hip. I don't have to look, I know it's the barrel of a gun. "I just might have some fun with you first." The gun pushes up my side raising under my shirt. It feels warm, not cold metal like I would have expected.

"I can get you whatever you want. Please, I'll disappear. Just….I don't want to die." I try to plead with him.

"Sorry, if I don't complete this job, I can't be trusted, and if I can't be trusted, well I'm dead. "

I try to be as still as possible as I search for the small canister of mace, I wish this street wasn't so empty and quiet. Which was one of the things I loved when I first signed the lease.

The man goes on about the job he has to do. "Get Edward, you, the kid…"

"She has nothing to do with this!" I tell him full of anger.

"See, you and Edward wouldn't abandon her, but it's conceivable you would run off with her to live your life together, with less complications, so she has to be a part of it. We want this to be a missing persons case as long as possible."

"You are sick." I tell him, as I finally find the can. My hand wraps around it and I don't want to make any moves at the wrong time. He might just shot me In the head right in this spot.

His hand grabs the back of my head with a fistful of hair, he yanks my head back, and he calls me a bitch.

I try to get out of his grasp by pushing him, but it's no use. I can hardly move him. I drop my purse but hold on tight to the mace. I spray it in his eyes, and his hands go instictivly to his eyes.

I start to run for the front door, but as I pass him he reaches for me, making me fall against the concrete stairs, hitting my head on the railing. I spray him again, then kick him away from me.

When I make it inside, I lock the door and start yelling for help. Before I can make it up the first five steps, I see my savior. Edward. I let my body fall into his arms.

I can hear the door being banged on, I have to stop Edward from going outside to kick his ass. I have to beg him. It won't be a fair fight, Edward doesn't have a gun.

"I'm not going to let anyone hurt you ever again," Edward tells me.

He reaches behind him and pulls out a small hand gun. "Edward no, don't! I can't lose you! Please just stay here with me! Don't leave me!"

He looks at me, "I'm never leaving you," he tells me. I don't even know what is happening when Edward picks me up, and hands places me in Nathan's arms. "Take her into the apartment, call 911, and keep them safe. I'm not fucking around with these pieces of shit, and I've waited a year to even the scale."

"Edward!" I yell, trying to get Nathan to let me go.

"I'm going to fine," Edward assures me, kissing my forehead. "Now GO!" he demands. Nathan takes the steps two at time until we are inside my apartment. He places me on the couch and tells me to sit still until he can look at me.

"How can I?" I cry, I feel so helpless, so full of dread and worry. Nathan calls 911, and I keep thinking if they were called here five minutes ago it would have been too late.

He sits down next to me, and starts cleaning up the scraps and the cut I can feel under my scalp on the side of my head. I can feel the blood dripping down my face. Nathan wipes it, and cleans it up. He moves my hair, and tells me I don't need stitches.

My whole body jumps when I hear the sound of gunshots.


	18. Chapter 18

I can hear the words Nathan is saying to me, they make sense. Shay needs me, I know she does, it doesn't make sense to have any of it without Edward. Nathan grabs ahold of my body as I lounge for the door, "What about Shay, Bella? She needs her mother!"

Being stronger then I know I am capable of, isn't a new phenomenon to me as I break free of his hold, "If he's dead – she is in even more danger and I have days! Days if I'm lucky to do what needs to be done so I can come back home. Otherwise, I'm dead too. She will be next simply because they want people to think we all ran off together. A missing people case, not murder. I need you to make sure she is safe and impossible to find. She needs to cease to exist, do you understand? She is safer without me – she can't be with me. Promise me Nathan. Nate – promise me to do everything you can to protect her."

"I…Bella there has to be –" Nathan stutters before I cut him off.

"Another way? There is no other way. I don't have many choices – if that bullet hit Edward or not – either way Shay is not safe with me. Shay is not safe as Shay, do you understand?" Nathan nods, as I frantically speak.

"You know how I feel about Shay. I'll do whatever I can to protect her, Bella what the hell is this about?" Nathan asks me, holding my shoulders as his eyes bore into mine.

"It has to do with the shooting, Nate. We are alive, so we are a threat. They think we are working with police – the fact that I'm a detectives daughter is even worse. Leah lives upstairs, take Shay up there – then call my dad to help, he can get you and Shay into witness protection, or something." I tell him.

"Bella, he can do that for all of us…please whatever your thinking…"

"It's not that simple, please trust me, I have to do this." I beg him, running out of time. They know who I am, which means they know Charlie, and the Cullens, my friends…it be like asking all of them to leave their lives, because they will go after every person Edward and I care about until we are dead…or if I have my way…they are dead.

"If you need to walk away from this – I get it cause I may never make it back to her. She needs to get out of state by the morning, give me two weeks, if I'm not back or haven't made contact assume the worse, erase her existence and get her out of the country. Otherwise, I will find Shay as soon as I know it's safe." I stare in his eyes, not expecting him to do anything more than he is willing, but to understand he has to let me go either way.

"How will you find her if you don't get yourself killed?" he asks me, as a few tears escape and run down his face in surrender.

"Use the last name Denali. I don't have any more time left. I need to go. I won't get killed – but if I do, it's okay as long as Shay is safe, so promise me that, so I know, no matter what happens to me –she'll be safe." I beg him in a rush as I back up toward the door. I can hear sirens in the distance, I need to know if I'm one of two – or just one before it's too late and police take over.

"I'll make sure she is safe. I'll tell her you love her." He takes long strides quickly until he is close enough to touch me. He pulls me into a hug, and I whisper thank you. He kisses my forehead then reaches behind me to open the door. I take off his engagement ring, and he shakes his head refusing it. "You might need the money."

I'm not too proud to accept this from him under the circumstances. I slip it into the back pocket of my jeans. "Hurry up and get back to your daughter," He tells me.

I nod, desperate for the comfort that my return would be a certainty instead of doubt. I hesitate one more moment wishing I had time to see Shay one last time before I turn to leave. I know I don't, causing tears to run down my face. I think of the last time I kissed her and held her, telling her how much I loved her. It's not enough, but it's going to have to be I remind myself as I reach the stairs not far from my door down the hall. I hear Nathan call my name right before I get ready to go down. I turn and a smile naturally erases the tension and fear written on my face. He holds Shay on his hip, "I'll come to you as soon as I can baby," my voice quivers, but I keep it hidden well. I hear her say, "I wove you," her small hand lifts up and waves goodbye to me. I tell her I love her too, and Nathan mouths the words I've been repeating over and over in my mind as I run outside, "Don't die."

I have a million things I need to do – most important one is not get killed, find Edward, get my purse. I can't leave any clues behind about my identity, I don't know if this thug told anyone he found me. I can only hope he didn't have a chance, and I'm not going to be the one who solves it for them. Even if the police don't release the information, I know there are officers who aren't above selling the information

I haven't seen Edward yet – or gotten killed. My purse is the first thing I come across, I kneel down slowly, keeping my eyes open and scan the area as I pick up my purse. I use my sense of touch to collect the spilled contiants of my purse. My hand moves across the pavement feeling for things I may have missed, I glance down to make sure I have collected everything off the ground, then slowly stand up. My mind wants me to shield myself from seeing anything horrific, but I force myself to keep scanning the ground for a body.

My thoughts race all over and I find that I am mad at myself for letting Nathan call 911. I was still in too much shock. I'm very aware of how close the sirens sound. _Stupid! _I chastise myself. I can't trust anyone but myself and Edward. I should be able to take comfort in the protection the police can offer me, but I just can't take the chance of one bad cop selling the life of Edward, myself…our daughter.

I can't believe how many complex thoughts and actions made on pure instinct my mind is processing. I have no room for mistakes. The price is too high if I screw up right now. The clarity within my mind and of my surroundings begin to cause panic within me, why haven't I found Edward?

This flight or fight instinct that kicks into gear during life or death situations is really amazing – it makes me feel like I have super human abilities. I felt it once before, but this time I feel even more powerful. I feel as if my mind and instincts are sharper. I know it's more powerful because I am a mother. The only way anyone will lay a hand on Shay is if Edward and I are both dead, that's the only way anyone will get close to her.

"Bella?!" I hear Edward's voice, it's as if the relief of him being alive alleviates so much weight I begin to float. The panic I felt over not finding him is now replaced with the volume of his voice. I turn towards him then hunch on the ground.

"Shhh!" I insist, pulling on his shirt, I can feel this warm wetness drip down my arm as if I just wrung out a washcloth. I look at my hand, bright red blood covers it, a few drops run down my arm. _Please let it be the other guys_. We hunch down behind my car. "Are you okay? Is that guy dead?" I whisper in a rush as my hands explorer his face then move to his shirt lifting it up praying for him to be unharmed.

"He is dead. I'm fine." He tells me. "Cops are coming, it'll be fine."

A stab wound in his side is not fine. "This isn't fine," I tell him shaking my head in disagreement, he winces in pain as I look at the gash. I go on, so he understands when I said 'This isn't fine,' I was referring to his stab wound and the cops coming. "No police, we have to get out of here. You have to trust me, do you trust me?" I'm asking him to risk so much. I know if we stay, it will be open and shut case of self-defense. Asking him to leave – is asking him to risk his innocence if we don't do everything right. It's asking him to forget traditional safe medical treatment. It's asking him to become a vigilante alongside of me – stain both our hands further. It's the only way I can imagine ever being truly safe.

My eyes beg him to trust me, because I honestly don't know how to live each day in fear, always looking over my shoulder. I did that once, it wasn't fun. I didn't start this – but I intend to end it.

"I trust you." He whispers, his hand resting on my face. I nod my head, saying good then begin to tell him what I need him for him to understand, no questions, no time to waste, to do what I say and I promise to explain later. He nods in agreement. I know he is in shock over killing someone, but is following what I am saying.

"Where is the body? Show me where he is." I ask with a tone that gets the message across not to discourage me. Looking in his eyes, I know he won't say it so when his eyes move to the left I follow looking in the same direction. Edward's head turns, and I see the body in the distance, and suppress the instinct to gasp. There is no time to be shocked – it was him or Edward. I swallow back the bile rising in my stomach as I consider the wound in Edward's side for a second. "Take off your flannel," I tell him, as I help pull it off his weak arm. "Use it to apply pressure, take these keys and get in the passenger seat of my car, wait for me, I won't be long, and don't stop putting pressure on that okay?"

"Bella I can't lose you," Edward tells me, his voice full of despair.

"I can't lose you either," I make sure I take my time telling him that. I move closer to him, kissing him for the first time in too long. I really wish I had longer to kiss him the way I longed to. I hesitantly pull away from him, "time isn't something we have."

"Go," he urges me with complete trust. It was better than hearing him say he loved me, he was saying he loved me. He was saying it was so much more than that, he didn't need to the know why or what of anything I was asking of him or doing he would blindly follow me fearlessly.

He refused my help getting up, pushing me to go do whatever I needed as he made his way into the car.

I rush over to the body, thankful it's in a dark alley. I pull the gloves out of my jacket pocket and quickly put my hands in them. I search the body's pockets, taking his cell phone, wallet, a wad of cash...the knife, where the fuck is the knife! I finally find it on the ground a few feet from his body. I scoop it up, then I look around making sure I don't see anyone before quickly making my way back to my car.

I hop in the driver's seat and start the car I yield to the police sirens, then continue forward.

"Bella, Shay. We can't just leave her…" Edward sounds panicked.

"Shay is with Nathan. He is going to make sure she is safe until we finish this." I tell him, placing my hand on his knee, giving him a reassuring squeeze.

"I knew I shouldn't have come back. I knew – " Edward says, it's like steam is rolling off of his body he is so mad at himself.

"Stop. I need you. Shay needs you. These fuckers…let's just say they fucked with the wrong girl. I will not live another day fearful over what tomorrow holds. I can't. So if they want a fight, a fight is what we will give them. I'd rather die fighting – then live fearful."

"I won't let anyone hurt you." Edward tells me.

"I know." I whisper.

I use the Bluetooth in my car to call in one last favor. Emmett was a medic in the army, and I ask him to meet us right outside of the city at a motel a few minutes from the Philadelphia airport.

"Just get a room at Days Inn, under a fake name, on the first floor. Call me back with the room number." I instruct him, adding to bring whatever he would need for a stab wound. All the doors to each room at the Days Inn are outside, which is important since I can't parade Edward through a well lit lobby.

He sounds worried, I tell him it's okay. "Just don't tell Rosalie, please."

"Trust me, I don't plan on it." He tries to joke, before hanging up.

Edward tells me he feels sick to his stomach and dizzy, "We are almost there, just a few more minutes…okay?"

Edward just nods, closing his eyes. My phone rings, and I answer it right away.

"Em!" I answer just as I pull into the motel parking lot.

"Nine, Bells. Room nine." Emmett tells me.

"I see your car," I tell him pulling into the spot next to him. "Can you come out and help us in?" I ask him, turning off my car.

Room nine is right in front of my car, the door opens and I'm shocked to see Emmett and Carlisle come rushing out. I get out of the car, and rush to the passenger side. "Shay? It's not Shay, is it?" Emmett asks, taking in my gory appearance.

"Shay is fine. It's Edward." I tell him, opening the door.

"Has he lost consisnous at all?" Carlisle asks me.

"No," I answer quickly as they help Edward out of the car, as he winces. Emmett goes to Edwards right, Carlisle to his left as they help him inside.

"I know you told me to come alone, not to tell anyone, but Bells…this is over my head."

"It's fine, Em." I assure him, taking in all the blood. On my hands, my shirt, my face even.

"What happened? Who did this? Edward isn't involved with those drug dealers again is he? He needs a hospital…how can I be sure it didn't hit something!" Carlisle tries to remain calm, but I can hear the panic in his voice rise as he lies Edward down on the bed and begins to examine him.

"This guy attacked me tonight, Edward tried to stop him and he got stabbed. He refuses to go to the hospital. The guy ran away. I wasn't thinking…and just wanted to get Edward help. Only he was dead set against the hospital…so I just called you Emmett. " I can't tell them the truth. No one is going to give us their blessing or support to hunt these murder's down – to murder them.

No one understands how this would affect everyone, tear us all apart, force us to become strangers living in fear.

"You need to call the cops about this guy!" Emmett demands.

"There is no need to," Edward speaks up, hissing in pain. "He was creamed by an eighteen wheeler when he ran away. I guess he wasn't paying attention and just ran right into the street, and bam. Serves him right, piece of shit."

Edward sucks in a deep breath, as Carlisle cleans the area. He looks at me, "You are okay, Bella? Your head?" he asks.

"Just shaken up…my head is fine." I tell him.

Carlisle says the stab wound is no more than two inches deep, and he can't see any of the small intestines, so it's very unlikely they were hit. "If there was a chance the knife went into the small intestines, Edward wouldn't have a choice if he wanted to live. I suggest following up tomorrow in my office so I can check with the ultrasound just to be safe."

"If you say so," Edward responds.

"I mean it, Edward." Carlisle gets his point across as he jabs a needle full of lidocane before he begins to stitch it closed.

While Carlisle stiches up Edward, I go into the bathroom clean myself of all this blood, but all I end up doing is sinking to the floor, hugging my knees, and silently sob.

"Bella…" Emmett softly calls from the other side of the door. I take a deep breath, standing up. "You okay? Do you need anything?" he asks.

Am I okay? I want to laugh as I look at my tear streaked face, it looks like I cried tears of blood. My hair is a mess, and you can't see it, but I'm missing a huge part of my heart without Shay. It feels awful.

"I'll be right out Em, kay?" I respond turning on the water. I splash some on my face, scrub my hands, try to fix my hair, put on my brave face and leave that crying, mess of a girl in the bathroom.

Edward asks me if I'm okay. "If you are okay, I'm okay."

Carlisle instructs Edward to drink plenty of fluids, starts an IV antibiotic, and antibiotics to take "by mouth" for the next ten days. "Bruising could be a sign of internal bleeding, and I mean it about the ultrasound tomorrow. The shit is inside your intestines for a reason, if it is leaking you will become septic. The stitches can come out in two weeks."

Edward is laying down, his head propped up by pillows. I climb up along his right side, he puts his arm around my waist pulling me against his bare chest. Looking at the carefully stitched up wound, it's only about three inches long.

"I don't know what is going on – I'm not going to even pretend I have a clue. But if you two are in some kind of trouble, there are plenty of people who care about you enough to do whatever they can to help. " Carlisle tells us, eyeing how close we are, how our bodies respond and react to one another. The undeniable spark between us, can almost be seen it's so intense.

"Carlisle, I appreciate the concern and helping. I know I can always count on you, I am very lucky to have you. I promise you, Bella and I –" Edward pauses looking at me, smiling warmly, "we are okay. It's been a tough night. I think we both just want to put it behind us and move on."

Carlisle puts his hands up, surrendering, "Just making sure. Technically I'm your uncle, but you are my son in my heart. I want the best for you."

"I know, and the best is with me," Edward smiles again looking at me, then placing a kiss on my forehead.

"You need to rest…both of you." Carlisle isn't suggesting he is telling. "I mean it, Edward."

"Yeah, yeah…no sex." Edward rolls his eyes, as Carlisle bends down to hug him.

"I love you son. Don't do anything crazy, we can't bear to lose you again." Carlisle speaks softly in his ear.

"Love you too, dad." Edward responds, choking up.

I hug Carlisle, then Emmett thanking them both for what they did tonight. Edward and I lie once more to Carlisle when he makes us promise one last time to come see him in the office for the ultrasound. There is no way we can show up there tomorrow.

Tomorrow – it begins.


End file.
